Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

You are being unreasonably nasty.

They might be reluctant to give you a reason as it might be something that can never be unsaid . If it was anything negative about your child or husband , how do you come back from that. It could be something like your eating habits , lateness for instance or an incident you don't recall . If you insist on an explanation you risk being so offended that it will be hard to get over. Unfortunately and unfairly you have to let it go .💐

Op, what a horrible thing to happen to you and if it had happened in my family I’d tell my children I wouldn’t be meeting up with them unless everyone had been invited.

That just how we are with my in laws. I have tried hard with them all even though dh was always the one left out and his 2 brothers were close.

What finally did it for me was my dc being left out too and hearing the others talking about them and then all denying it. We are very close with my extended family and have amazing friends so I am at peace with it all now. I decided it wasn’t worth my tears and upset when they probably didn’t think twice about any hurt they may be causing..

You say you have had disagreements with siblings before. What about and how bad? Do you have a “spirited child?”

I am a bit on the fence. I do think it’s fine for people to meet separately but I can also understand why you are hurt.

I just think there might be more to it?

Thing is, if you’re normally close there will be a reason. And chances are you know or suspect what it is, unless there’s history of exclusion these things rarely just happen out of nowhere.

What you need to ask yourself is A, whether you are prepared to face, and possibly have to do something about, the reason they don’t want you there, or at least didn’t on this occasion.

My mum is one of three sisters. They are all fairly close, but one is incredibly hard work. She has some MH difficulties which while she cannot help, mean that she’s really difficult, has no filter, shouts her mouth off at events, gets over emotional and swears at people and ends up ruining things.

There’s no point in having a confrontation, it achieves nothing because she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong.

So now they don’t invite her to events. They do see her on their own, they haven’t cut her off, my auntie even goes on holiday with her.

But in terms of big family events it’s just a non starter unfortunately.

Her DH and her DC all know how she is and understand why.

I’m not saying that’s how you are OP, but families aren’t always black and white.

You can still have close family relationships in some instances, and then in others things just don’t necessarily work.

Quite honestly, your mum should have actually stuck up for you and not gone herself. She could, and should, have said we all go or count me out 🤷‍♀️

I think it's fine for some family members to get together with a smaller group

No need to invite everyone every time

Only a problem if it happens regularly

Sometimes it’s just about numbers- a smaller group can be easier. They may not be actively leaving you out, but just want a smaller group.

If anyone is ND, has hearing issues, that’s especially true.
Maybe their DC isn’t as confident socially and benefits from being the only DC in a group.

Presumably you can organise a get together with just your mum, or just your sibs?

If you go hard at this now, all get together will be harder. If you let it go, things may go back to normal.

I had this and as a result haven't had contact with any of my family for 15 years. In my case they excluded me because I spoil their fun. Their fun is being nasty and mean about and to others. They don't like me calling them out on it.

How hurtful for you, I’m not sure how this is resolved, the damage has been done.

your mum’s WhatsApp comment sounds like she knew you’d be upset, but didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity herself. I think I would be tempted to reply to the WhatsApp your mum sent, ‘Yes, you’re right mum’ and leave it at that.

It is true that everyone doesn’t always have to be invited to everything, but the half arsed attempt to keep you in the dark was cruel - the second guessing you are currently doing for not having been invited is where you are filling blanks with your own imagined reasons.

You can’t unknow what you know, and now you know your sister has the capacity to be like this

What do you think would happen if you invited your parents and siblings but left one sibling out?

There’s only a few reasons why they did thus -

you did something/ do something to annoy them all or at least the most vocal/dominant one

they did it to be a bit mean/make a point

they are thoughtless

they are closer generally than you

The fact that they are so comfortable with hurting you it would make me want to take a step back from them tbh. I’d plan stuff with my parents and be polite /friendly with them but emotionally I’d have a boundary in place

Don't worry OP i have 2 sisters and the majority of my anxiety in my adult life has come from them! Maybe they are jealous of you and they don't want their partners looking at you because they are so insecure? Sisters!!! Xx

My siblings & I often go out without all of us being invited. We then would all meet as a group for bigger events
I don't have a problem with that.
I do think you are being over sensitive about this.

YANBU OP this is very hurtful.

I just can’t see it happening in my family - I do think it’s important to meet in smaller groups to nurture individual relationships but that is very different from strategically leaving one person out. I’m surprised your mum agreed to go tbh, she is complicit.

I have two siblings and socialise with each separately, they also see each other without me sometimes. Sometimes there are family gatherings that one sibling can’t make but they would always be invited. The exception is currently one of my brothers is getting divorced and spending a lot of time at my parents who live a few miles from me so I pop in and see him sometimes. Our other brother is not left out of coffee on a Sunday morning because he lives 200 miles away.

Next weekend is Mother’s Day and me and divorcing sibling are taking my mum out to brunch. Other sibling could absolutely come if he wanted to but he saw my mum two weeks ago and it’s far away so he won’t come…but he knows about it and could come if he wanted. That’s the difference.

As you all live close, it either needs to be just your two siblings or one sibling and your mum but leaving just you out is mean.

This is what I came to say. If your siblings want to be able to exclude just one that’s fine, but your mum doesn’t have to go along with it at all.

It’s a problem if the same person is always the one who is left out though

Unless there is context missing, I’d say in this instance it seems that OP was knowingly excluded (mum asked if OP was being invited and they say no). I have two children. I don’t do everything with both of them (it’s not healthy to do so, they are individuals with different interests etc, not a package deal), but we are open about what we are doing with each, extend invites to the other sibling or arrange a separate trip/even with the other in lieu, if that makes sense?

So this week I went to see my DD at the weekend and we went shopping for her room, bought her some gear, lunch in a pub. DS studied at home/dog sat. We bought gifts and clothing for him and he was fully aware. In a few weeks it’s his 18th, we’ll be taking him out to buy a gift (he needs to chose it) and have lunch/dinner. DD is fully aware, knows she can join if she wants to be home that weekend and we will share pics in the family whatsapp. Neither feels left out as we are open and honest and they know that if they say ‘oh, can I come’ they’d be more than welcome.

I don’t get the feeling this is what’s being described here, unless perhaps it was an early ‘Mother’s Day’ brunch and the other siblings have children and this was the only day they could all get together - but that would have been easy to explain away and to say that your mum was keeping mothers day open for you so you would not ‘miss out’ on being with her to mark the day this coming weekend? From the tone of the whatsapp replies, it feels as though there was more going on here, so I think we’d need to understand whether there are tensions between OP and sibs.

Sorry, but I think YABU and I feel sorry for your poor mum.

You're not little children anymore but grown adults. Your idea of family dynamics is unhealthy and claustrophobic.

Why can’t your mum meet up and go out with one or more siblings without it always having to include everyone? Let her enjoy the company of her children without having to treat them like they still 6 yrs old yelling “waaah it’s unfair, unfair”.

I’m one of 5 siblings with both parents long dead, but we all moved away as adults so the last time we all saw each other together in one room was at my mum’s funeral 26 years ago.

We get on well but we live hundreds of miles apart so it’s unrealistic and unnecessary to visit as an homogenous group.

I have 3 adult DC with their own families. We last got together for a meal at a restaurant for DH’s 70th birthday, 3 years ago.

People pleasing isn’t a personality it’s a coping strategy and usually when someone got their needs dismissed as a child.

Oh OP that’s tough.

Assuming there’s not something you are aware of like your dc being “spirited” at a dinner table or you being married to the sort of man who paints crosses on roundabouts and shouts at cheap hotels with refugees in it etc - then it seems pretty mean.

Do you ever arrange meet ups with either of your siblings?

Do you tend to make gatherings all about you and your news? Are you your parents’ ‘favourite’? Do you have a lot of trouble and adversity in your life that makes your mood low and your energy draining?

these are the three most immediate reasons I could think for why your siblings might not want to hang out with you in a group, but that doesn’t take away the hurt. Much love to you.

I would speak to your mum. Tell her you know it must be hard for her feeling stuck in the middle. But you need to know why your siblings don’t want you there, as it’s causing you distress.

Forget about it. Your siblings are nice people and they love you.

That doesn't mean that they will want to always meet up with every single member of the family.
That is normal.

If I hear that my brothers orsisters have caught up, I don't feel miffed at all. I genuinely feel happy for them and say,
"How lovely, how is Bro3 going with XXX? Where did you eat? Were any of the kids there? Any news?"
I find it more interesting than discussing how they went at golf with their friends.

Adults leave their family nest. They don't all do things together regularly except for special events like weddings, milestone birthdays and Christmas etc. That is healthy.

Organise to see some of your siblings sometimes on your terms, where you'd like to meet and also host.
Be in control of your own happiness. Meet with friends too.