Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

Try not to take it personally if it's the first time it's happened.
Make a plan for brunch/breakfast and invite everyone.
Or ring up the sibling you're closest to and explain you were hurt not to be invited.
Either way try not to hold on to anger or resentment- it really only hurts you x

That's really nasty, and I'm not surprised you're incredibly hurt. I wouldn't be making any effort with them going forward to be honest.

Not included for dinner and family ganged up? I've dropped friends and family members for less in the past. I'm not a people pleaser and I don't take any crap either.
Life is good and I'm happy without the previous drama tit for tat nonsense.

I'm in a family where we often leave one person out (in this case a parent) because they are very difficult to be with.

The alternative is that we wouldn't see each other - and that person would have prevented us all from supporting each other.

If this happened to me I would think about what it is that makes the dynamic more difficult when I am there.

I'd be wondering if this has happened in other areas of your life too?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with siblings meeting up with a parent without all the others. You aren’t a unit. You’re individuals. We see MIL much more regularly than she sees BIL and his partner. And frankly, BIL avoids spending too much time with his mum and we all actively get together and don’t invite MIL (because she’s hard work, frankly).

The group chat messages sound clumsy. I think you are reading too much into them because you have a pre-existing assumption they don’t want you around. When I read it, to me it sounds like your mum is saying, if I felt like someone didn’t want me around, I’d be devastated. She’s trying to make a point about how she thinks they’ve made you feel, not what they feel. She’s saying she’s upset they’ve hurt your feelings.

That said, if you are hard work or particularly difficult to spend time with because of all this baggage, I can see why they might just want a nice easy meal together. That’s also okay. They’re allowed to see each other without your approval. Your mum should be a bit kinder about it though. It’s not nice to feel like people are talking about you behind your back.

They are being cruel by not telling you.

What’s the dynamic with this sibling like? (Sorry if you’ve already answered that) but you say you saw them as a best friend- they clearly don’t feel the same. Why is that?

Do you dominate conversations when you meet up ?
Do you take an interest in other people’s lives and ask questions?

Obviously there is a possibility that the problem isn’t actually you :) but sometimes, I can have ‘enough’ of people who do the above, even if they are family.

At least we can choose our friends, OP. Hope you have a few good ones.

@AIBUfamilydramasorry this happened to you. This happens to my sister but it is because she is argumentative. She definitely has done things that cross a line for a lot of people. I like her, because when I was young she was extremely kind to me, but other people find her antagonistic and don’t like to spend time with her. i do accept that is their take on her and I’m not going to try and change other people, because my opinion doesn’t trump theirs. They know her well and everyone is an adult, but I include her in my life. This is very awkward tbh and I feel for your mum being in the same boat as me. I have told my sister when she has asked why she is excluded but she doesn’t accept any wrongdoing.

you have said you aren’t this kind of person, other questions you might need to ask yourself:

you don’t live nearby?
there something obvious like a really expensive menu and you are short of money? Or on the other side… would it not be fancy enough for you?
would you complain because it isn’t vegan or something?
Would you bring your kid whereas none of the others would?
Is your partner not their cup of tea?

I feel like there is a reason and they aren’t being transparent. I feel they owe you that

I have siblings like this.
There are siblings like this all over the place, you’ll recognise school mums/dads who do exactly the same to other class mums/dads, excluding 1 or 2 people in the year, to exert their control. These are the people who raise the next generation of bullies, as they teach by example.
They are treating you as ‘less than’. Please do not put yourself in this position. You are just as worthy as them. Please behave as worthy as it’s the only way for them to see that you are.

If you can I’d suggest trying to hide your (understandable) emotional reaction at being excluded. Instead, via messages (so you have a record) ask the sibling to clarify ‘So are you saying this wasn’t a mistake, this was a deliberate act to exclude me?’
Also ask your mum and other sibling ‘Do you support this type of behaviour towards myself and others?’ (add the ‘others’ again to show you deserve the respect anyone would)
If they confirm you could respond with some distance’This is really disappointing. I’ve heard of behaviour like this in other families but never thought this would happen, or be tolerated in our family.’ - again comparing to other families tries to make them see this from an outsider perspective.

Good luck @AIBUfamilydrama and above all, please remember, you are worthy of respect.

Could it have been a logistics thing? Finding a table big enough might have been hard enough with all the people who'd already arranged to go.

I was you, with my family @AIBUfamilydrama. And while I do think I'm stroppy and a bit hostile at times, it was in response to never really being treated equally. It's a logical response. I've never really worked out who/why made me less favoured. I suspect it was that my DS was always favourite and her DH was close to our DM because he had no relationship with his own family.

I don't think DS in particular wanted to be treated preferably, but would have just gone along with DM and BIL/her husband. So I was left out, got less, was less important. And gradually that evolved into me being resentful. Every time it happened I'd get upset, react (which would cement me even further as difficult) and distance myself a little more. Until in the end, there was virtually no relationship left.

To those saying "I don't see the issue,I regularly meet up without sibling etc",if you're the sibling who is always left out,then that's got to be hurtful surely? Especially when there no apparent reason.

Im really trying to just let it blow over so as not to lose them

@AIBUfamilydrama sorry love, but the horse has already bolted on that one.

go and see your mum and speak to her directly about it. Make it clear that you’re not blaming her, but by all means tell her you’re hurt she allowed it to happen.

I think I'd message both siblings privately, and say that I'd really want to know if there is a particular reason I was not invited, given that it wasn't spur of the moment, last minute, so that if there is something I can change to improve our relationship, I'm given the opportunity to do so. I would say that I do feel hurt, just as I'm pretty certain they would if the shoe was on the other foot, and then I'd leave it at that.

I'd also make sure Mum didn't feel in the middle of it, and foster my relationship with her outside of my siblings.

Sibling relationship shenanigans suck.

Fairly obvious by the wording from @AIBUfamilydrama mum, “well what am I supposed to say when someone doesn’t want her there”

it’s not logistical or an oversight, it’s deliberate

that hurts

i think that your family didnt invite you and lied about the reason must be really painful.
I think families meeting in varied groups is absolutely fine, but purposely excluding one family member and gaslighting them by saying it was "last minute" when in actual fact it was that they didnt want you there is cruel.
What does you mum say now she knows you know the truth ?
Does your mum know the reason the others dont want you there?
What would happen if you arranged a family meal out and left one person out because you didn't want them there and wouldn't say why?

@AIBUfamilydrama actually posted Yesterday @ 21:26 @dottiedodah

"I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends"

And where are your parents in all of this? Why are they agreeing to go off on holiday when you are coming to visit?

Honestly @AIBUfamilydrama dont try to "let it blow over" - walk away. The sibling you thought you were close to - they are not your friend and are being extremely two-faced and devious. That's not your fault (whatever you may or may not have done and the chances are youve done nothing to deserve this, they're just a bully). See your mum separately, if you want to, and spend your energy on people who deserve you.

I had the same happen to me several
times but the one that stood out the most was when my mum had my two for the day in the summer holidays and I collected them after work at 4pm. All fine and headed home as usual. My mum had also had my sisters step sons and they were also collected around 4pm (but after my two had gone).

30 minutes later (I live 10 mins from mums) they were at a beach 20 minutes away (they = my mum, sister, her wife and the step sons). I was hurt but let it slide but a couple of weeks later they started posting pictures on Facebook of a holiday they were all on!

I decided to go low contact. When they asked why I had I pulled away I told them how I felt. The beach they said was last minute. I pointed out it was clearly very last minute as they had left before I had even got home and I live in the direction of the beach so could have carried on past my house to join them! They tried to get out of that one.

The holiday they didn’t have much to say about!

I remained low contact for a few years and these days I am almost no contact. Because of a family dispute many years ago I had not seen my auntie (who was my rock during my teens and twenties) or my cousin who I was very close to (she is 13 years younger than me) and my mum found out. She was not happy and that was 18 months ago and we are only in contact for my children to see her and that’s it.

This is of course half the story and some of the reasons are because my son does not get on with my sisters older step son (same age - big personalities!!) but my mum chose my sisters step children over mine.

i am much happier now i am away from all the drama and its much quieter!

Of course they're individuals, we all are within families and of course can do and hang out with whoever we want as adults, but this particular context, siblings meeting up with their mother for a meal like this does tend to have a specific 'unit' dynamic like any other social grouping. Excluding only one sibling deliberately when she doesn't have a clue why & the mum also seemed surprised is a sign of that. It'd be different if the siblings all met up with each other or their mum in various permutations regularly or there was something obvious like distance, but this isn't the case.

But I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't let them treat you as "less than", OP, or see yourself as unworthy. It's a matter of respect. If you feel you don't want to say anything "because I don't want to lose them" that indicates that you do in fact see yourself as lesser & they seem to think they can treat you as such. I'd bet that dynamic's probably been going on for a long time too.

I think it's important not to make an emotional "please don't let me out of the group" drama of it as it just feeds a "less than" and needy dynamic, but equally you can let them & your mum know matter of factly and directly that you know they chose to meet up without you and that it hurt. Your sibling who you say you considered one of your best friends certainly isn't, so I'd back off there.

I agree - this is not normal at all. This poster’s familial relations are hardly something to aspire to!

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Their behaviour is absolutely horrible. I don't think you should underestimate or ignore it, because you are never going to recover a good family relationship with them without understanding why it happened and getting some sort of apology.

This sounds like a toxic family dynamic with you being used as the scapegoat. Even there being a family chat behind your back is just nasty. Can you afford therapy? It's really concerning that you're prepared to just put up with it for the sake of having a relationship with them. In my opinion, you'd be better off without people who treat you like this in your life.

In your shoes, I'd get it right out into the open. Ask to meet up without the kids and talk through what happened and what's behind it. Involve your dad if you can trust him not to just shut you down for the sake of smoothing things over. If they will not be honest, or acknowledge your feelings and apologise, then I would distance myself from them. Honestly, I'd probably go no contact with them, and focus on forming relationships with people who aren't so bloody nasty.

I suppose so. Or it might just have been her clumsy way of saying "Well, YOU try explaining it to her!"

Mind you I speak as someone whose family has no interest in involving me in anything. Definitely the black sheep. So maybe I'm just blind to offence in these matters!

This sounds really hurtful. The only thing I can suggest is either having an honest look if you could have offended or talking the the person you are closest to.

For context one of my SILs was sometimes excluded because she always expected everyone to sub her and it was becoming a financial stretch. Not suggesting this is you but just some context for someone being left out despite the fact she is lovely.

Was your Dad there? What does he say?