Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

There’s more context im sure. But you’re entitled to be upset and to expect an explanation to why. Despite how upsetting the answer maybe. My dad is excluded from things his siblings arrange. I get why. It hurt when we were kids but as I’ve got older I can see why they may not have invited us. My dad is just not on the same wavelength as them. It’s a shock to think they grew up in the same home. My dad is to serious, over sensitive and has to be always right, my aunt & uncle are a bit more laidback, fun & they really get on well together. I can imagine that everytime they want to see each other wouldn’t always be something they did with my dad. He would probably be invited to a 3rd of the get togethers.

instead I would arrange for you all to meet at your moms house and have it out. Promise them you’ll listen and let them tell you why. Don’t get defensive, let them have their say. Acknowledge any valid points (there will be so be open minded) and then explain how hurt it made you. How despite x,y & z you’re still family and it’s made you feel like an outsider. Then take on board and if there’s things you need to improve on then do so & they should go away & do the same

I think @Owly11 has it. Your mum put in some effort to make sure you knew that you had not been invited because you weren't wanted. Forgot it was a family chat my fat arse. Wasn't her fault then anger, oh yeh, the ideal responses to an offspring voicing their unhappiness.

I know someone very well who does triangulate their adult children a bit, and she really shouldn't, as it has made them on and off unhappy for sixty odd years, but she would never be as blatant as this or as nasty.

If you are the one in the family who is considerate about not hurting feelings and expects others to be the same, maybe you are the odd one out from the get go. Sorry if so.

It is awful sad if a parent doesn't have your best interests at heart - but sadly OP this could be the case. I would personally test this by vaguely hinting at some fascinating but fictitious matter - mine or DH's - but oh mum you must keep it secret - I would hint at a possible lifechanging matter, a business venture, a health scare, oh no I have said too much forget I have spoken please don't say anything to my sisters. Then see what I got from my sisters in terms of curious enquiry. That would reveal whether you can trust your mum or whether she puts sucking up to your sisters over your feelings.

You’re right. I was always a people pleaser and have worked hard to stop it. I still slip back into it now and then but find it easier to say no now, uncomfortable though it can be.
It’s usually as a result of how you’re treated as a child.

Her mum isn't behind her though. She said SHE would be devastated to find out her family did want her. There's no sympathy for her daughter. She even said she is annoyed that her daughter is annoyed. Mum is as bad as the rest.

I'm sorry but your mum is every bit to blame the same as your siblings. If that was my kids I'd be telling them I wasn't going for the meal if they are purposely leaving one of my kids out. That's really nasty. And for them not to tell you why, there is a reason and it won't be the last time it happens.

I'm sorry to say, it is the new normal. Tbh who said it's new?

I wouldn't be putting it aside to not "rock the boat", that sounds like you'd be putting up with it.
If no-one wants me i make sure they don't get any of me. Why would you want to fight for their company? I know they are siblings but don't let them be a c to you.

Are you the family scapegoat? The one the others choose to dislike?

Don't forget, your siblings could be jealous of you.

They sound horrible. My DH had this and it did affect my kids ' relationships with their cousins. They're 21 and 17 and made their own decisions about the situation so it's definitely not imagination.

Agree.
id be majorly stepping back … are you the eldest?
Regardless, they all sound, including mum, like a bunch of drama queens … not kind at all.
I’d cut my losses ..

Thank you for all your replies, I was worried when I posted that I would just get a load of harsh responses but I felt a bit like I was going mad with it all, I was really starting to doubt myself and needed some outside perspective.

We’ve already talked and had it all out and that’s where they’ve said that it was my fault I was upset and as adults they are allowed to get together and leave one person out, but I can’t imagine it happening to any of the others without a genuine reason, like everyone being invited but someone already had other plans.

I get what some of you are saying, that the reason they didn’t want me there might be very harsh, like if they didn’t like my spouse, but I would rather they just be honest and be able to deal with that somehow, or if it’s something I’ve done, be able to have the opportunity to put it right.

We do all see each other individually, I see my mum a couple of times a week and the first sibling once a week at a group with our kids but the sister I’m closest to who was the one to say no don’t invite me, we rarely get to see each other much, we talk every day but I’ve only seen her twice since Christmas due to having different work hours, and I would jump at the chance to watch paint dry with her if she asked me.

Theyre all acting like nothing has happened now, she’s sending me the funny little videos etc that we used to send each other all the time but I can’t even bring myself to open them. I feel like we must not have had the relationship I thought and that meant so much to me, I just feel so hurt and humiliated and she won’t even tell me why.

I would ask her to back off for a while to be honest. Just say “I’m really hurt that I wasn’t invited, and no matter how much you say it’s normal to act like that, I wouldn’t do it to you. I need some space for a bit”

Agree - the sending memes etc is her trying to convince herself she hasn’t upset you. She wants to respond normally so she feels better.

Exactly.
She’s trying to ease her guilt.
Good on you @AIBUfamilydrama
Let them sweat a bit.
What you’re doing is ‘self respect’.
They need to learn this lesson.

Theyre all acting like nothing has happened now, she’s sending me the funny little videos etc that we used to send each other all the time but I can’t even bring myself to open them. I feel like we must not have had the relationship I thought and that meant so much to me, I just feel so hurt and humiliated and she won’t even tell me why.

oh this sounds almightily familiar!! My Sis and Dm are EXPERTS at this. It’s actually quite an art form when you’re detached and looking at it from a bigger distance than previously, once the scales fall from your eyes.

sounds like the sis you think you’re closest to, isn’t who you think she is, jealous perhaps. It’s usually jealousy, however misplaced.

take a big step back love.

text them all tbh and tell them you’re hurt and bewildered at why they’re treating you like this and that it’s changed how you feel about them all. Then be more distant. It’ll help you in the long run.

they can’t un-ring this bell love.

Oh yeah and give it a day or so, and if @AIBUfamilydrama is still sad, it’ll be “oh come on, why are you still going on about this, it was nothing/mistake/your imagination”

This is good advice, your sister has been so duplicitious and hurtful towards you, and you must feel completely disorientated if you thought you were close. You need to process what this means: remember actions speak louder than words. What she says and her silly memes mean little compared to her behaviour and the intentions behind it. Do not let her try and appease you with this attempt at sweeping things under the rug. Some things are just too important and you need to understand the truth behind this for your own sanity and peace of mind. You are owed this at the very least.

I know some people are encouraging you to stay offended and get distance and they have a very valid point. Your feelings are very valid and understandable. If you do get distance, you need to be prepared for that distance to be permanent. If you stay offended and reduce interaction, it is very likely they will just move on and let things be that way. I think you need to consider if that’s what you want in the long run.

U had something similar happen to me with my best friend of 20 years. We were so close, our families did holidays together, Christmases, Easter, birthdays. There was nothing we haven’t done together. We are more like relatives than friends. However last year she did something to make me feel completely left out while her husband happily chatted about it to my husband. I won’t go into details but it made me realise she viewed me very differently to how I viewed her and she didn’t trust me enough to share some quite major family things (nothing personal though) while her husband didn’t have that problem with mine. In the end I was super hurt, attempted to discuss it on many occasions while she pretended nothing was wrong. She continued to have superficial conversations with me but I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t move on without addressing it. I distanced myself expecting that would make her realise she will lose me if she doesn’t address it and I guess she thought that was fine with her. We now have a very courteous and fake relationship pretending nothing is wrong for the sake of our husbands and kids but this friendship is effectively gone. I can’t do superficial long term but clearly she can…why address difficult things when you can sweep them under the rug. Time will naturally put this to a stop at some point in the not too distanced future and I’m left with the hurt from realising she’d rather lose me and disrupt the whole dynamic between the two families than have an honest conversation with me. I didn’t matter enough.

My point with this is…if you choose not to move on from it, you are risking the whole relationship with your family and the consequences will be born solely by you. I do fully understand your hurt, it’s absolutely valid, just please consider what you may lose by not getting over this. At the of the day, your words and actions can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. You can only control your own actions and your feelings.

if you choose not to move on from it, you are risking the whole relationship with your family and the consequences will be born solely by you.

Doesn't that assume that no one will have a relationship with Op because the one sister doesn't want one with her?

It’s not just her sister, it’s the whole family that left her out.

It’s not just her sister, it’s the whole family that left her out.

Well yes, on this occasion & when it was something that that sister organised.

It’s a good point and something similar happened to me. BILs gf had alway been difficult and I never particularly warmed to her but I made a huge effort to welcome her into the family and befriend her and it sort of worked and we became friendly. It was nice for DH and BIL as we could socialise as couples. She then did a couple of things to me that were extremely hurtful and I distanced myself. I naively thought she had valued the relationship we had had and would reach out. She never did. Now we are just polite at Christmas and MILs birthday but there is no relationship.

I totally agree with unfenced. Said exactly what I was thinking.

It's actually OP's family who have risked this! Don't try and make her responsible for their choices.