Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

On the one hand, it is perfectly reasonable for families to get together without all members on occasion, your sibling is right in that bit.

As to what your mum said, could the nuance have been different? As in, she didn't mean that they actively hadn't wanted you there, but that they hadn't actively wanted you there in that they hadn't thought to invite you? That's such a convoluted way of explaining myself, it may not make any sense, but in my head I can hear the difference between the two ways of looking at it and it would explain why the sibling is so non-plussed. Especially if there haven't been any disagreements etc.

I think your mum should be refusing to attend if they don't invite you. It's petty behaviour.

sorry OP - i get it, im one of thee too and if that happened to me - i would absolutely be devastated. Your siblings sound awful. And your mum being annoyed that you're annoyed is also pretty fucking shit of her. I would pull back a bit.

Quite honestly I wouldn’t be taking relationship advice from anyone who is so disconnected from their family.

@AIBUfamilydrama YANBU at all.

What your mother and siblings did was horrible and very very hurtful. Have a big unMumsnetty hug. I don't see why you've been getting harsh responses from some PPs.

Let your emotions settle, and then assess whether it's worth speaking with the sibling you consider one of your best friends. And your mother should listn to you and understand your feelings.

I'd be interested in your position in the sibling order. I think sometimes there are very early emotional patterns that are partly to do with birth order.

I would also find that very hurtful and it would even stop me from initiating contact with the siblings who said no to you being there. It is an awful way to be treated, its no surprise to feel upset by this.

Is there one sibling who is the main driver of this?

I’d have to invite the sibling who specifically said they didn’t want you there for a coffee and lay it all out. Failing that. Organise something with your mum and the other sibling and don’t invite them.

This is exactly the same for us, when my children started to ask why they didn’t get taken where their cousins did or were only seen twice a year, if that, whereas cousins go to/are visited by grandparents 3x weekly and they weren’t it hurts so much more. I could kind of deal with the inequality when it was dh and I but not when it extended to the children, it became so cruel. Like you say, also, the family absolutely did not care about the hurt they were causing.

Hypothetical question but why do they do it though?? (Sorry to derail) My ILs come to us multiple times a week and don’t seem to bother with their other GCs, despite only being 20 mins drive. it causes a lot of awkwardness. I just don’t get why GPs would want to cause such ill feeling. They are in denial probably but I’m on the verge of blowing up about it, even though it’s not my kids affected!

That's rough but at least you know. If it were me I would be pulling away. Once you stop engaging it will be interesting to see how long it is before they try to pull you in again. They need you there to be the scapegoat. Don't accept the role and let them get on with it. And get some therapy to work through your own feelings and gain clarity on the toxic family dynamic.

I find this baffling. It really takes all sorts.

OP you are not being unreasonable. I see this happen regularly with my SonIL - his mum and two sisters regularly get together for days out or meet up for a coffee and never think to invite him along. I really feel for him.

Agreed. I can understand siblings not getting on(I'm NC with one),but your mum should have really had your bad. I'd be upset about that.

“what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

Hopefully she's not including herself in that!

So do neither of your siblings like you?

If your mum invited the three of you somewhere what would happen?

I think the key thing is whether you are consistently the excluded sibling. Your mum is fine she's always included, but if she won't acknowledge that might be upsetting for you, that's her problem. We have this were always the 3rd one of 3 with a mum who aggressively doesn't think that's a problem. It's just life she says.

Do you mean you go out with individual siblings without the others or do you mean that, say two out of three go out with their families and the parents. Because that’s what’s happening here. If you were the only one left out and it happened regularly I think you’d be hurt about it.

OP I think it’s one of those situations where you match their energy. Do you get on well with your dad on his own? If so then I’d spend more time having fun just with him. Maybe treat yourselves to a special day out? Don’t wait to be invited.

Also do you have a good relationship with your partner? Or your friends? If so put more energy and effort into those relationships and less into your family ones. It might make you feel less abandoned if you proactively work on different relationships. Unfortunately we can’t control how others treat us but we can control how we react to it.

“Your idea of family dynamics is unhealthy and claustrophobic.”

I think we all have different perspectives because the way you describe your family dynamics is mind blowing to me. It sounds so cold and distant.

My sisters, parents and I all live in different countries and we see each other more than you see your family.

Each to their own I suppose.

Did she set this up? Often in families one or both of the parents set up a favoured children/scapegoat children dynamic. The other siblings then continue to scapegoat the unfavoured child.

If so it’s your mother that’s the problem. Your siblings have unconsciously benefited from the situation and are unlikely to change as they don’t notice it because it’s become so ingrained.

I can see why you’re upset but as one of three I honestly do not mind one bit if the others meet up without us. But that’s because I feel secure in all the relationships I think. Our parents are closer to one of us as their personalities and interests are more aligned

Honestly, one or two of the replies on this thread don't seem to be able to read the situation at all... if it was a case where there were multiple siblings, some of whom meet with each other at some times and not others, or often meet up in different combinations, that would be different. But it isn't, is it?

For two siblings to meet WITH THEIR MUM and specifically decide to leave only one sibling out, then yes, of course that is likely to feel deliberate and unpleasant, as in that context it's a family unit. And the mum sounds taken aback by it, so it doesn't sound like it's a "the whole family knows what the problem is" situation. Really doesn't matter how old you are, it's human nature. Like there being a group of friends and the decision is made to specifically not invite just one to something, and everyone knows except them and then they find out. It's not nice behaviour, and yes, while there may be a reason, of course it'd be horrible to discover you're the only one who's been purposely excluded from a particular group or event and not know why. It's blindsiding.

I'd be really upset too, OP. Tricky to know what to do about it though, do they know you know? I certainly wouldn't want any dynamic of seemingly 'begging' them to be included in future and think I'd be focusing on my own life, relationships and friendship groups, but I'd make very sure they were aware I knew that they'd chosen to meet up with our mum without me.

You sound very kind. I agree with you. I hate unfairness. Is your DH the Golden Child?

Yes she did, but she would never admit she set it up. Instead she says you've got it wrong

I agree with what ur saying mostly but I do feel she is owed an explanation. To leave her clueless and with no reasonable excuse is just cruel and plays mind games with people. If it is simply just as they just want some time
alone
with mum or the other sibling well fair
enough but just say it. I think they are being deliberate assholes to op.

Sorry OP I meant your mum not your dad!

Without any background its hard to say really.Do you get on well with them or is there some tension.Do you have DC who are lively ,do they get on well with DH? if all good maybe just a last minute thing maybe .