Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

168 replies

LoftyPlumFox · 08/03/2026 21:22

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/03/2026 21:24

I boarded a plane and took my young kids to another country for a holiday and honestly after that I’d do anything rather than travel with under 5s again.

i suspect there will be some who agree with you but the majority will not.

escape · 08/03/2026 21:24

There are definitely others who would feel the same as you. I'd say it's likely a 50/50 split tbh. I wouldn't hesitate but would have when my children were really small.

Doggymummar · 08/03/2026 21:26

No way

CaffeinatedMum · 08/03/2026 21:26

I’m with you OP. I regularly go out and do things without my kids and have spent nights away with them in this country but can’t bear the idea of being in a different country to them. I don’t judge people who do (in fact I’m almost a little envious!) but it’s not for me at this stage. Kids are 5 and 2 so similar to yours.

ShetlandishMum · 08/03/2026 21:26

I happily leave my youngst child with my husband for a weekend away girl guiding or a weekend with friends but I wouldn't spend money on a hen do abroad. I would spend the money on our family holiday.

Years ago with the eldest children were around 5 yo we left them with grandparents and went abroad. It it was after a surgery I had to relax a bit. No regrets tbh.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 08/03/2026 21:27

If I wanted to go on the hen do I would, but I've never had an issue being away from my kids. I go abroad for work as well and honestly flying and hotels without kids is an absolute dream!

coconuttyz · 08/03/2026 21:29

I’m with you OP, but saying that.. I am definitely in the minority in my friendship group, some of my friends have hopped on planes without their very young babies - no judgement whatsoever! My DCs are 5,8 & 10 and I would happily go away for a weekend now.

ChangeAgainAgainAgain · 08/03/2026 21:30

I didn't have a problem with this when mine were little. I have a fabulous competent husband and great parents and in laws, all who were perfectly capable of looking after the children and that the children were perfectly happy to be left with, and I have a strong sense of identity and self worth outside of just being a Mum.

TY78910 · 08/03/2026 21:30

I’d do it for someone I’m particularly close with. I wouldn’t for someone I’m not.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/03/2026 21:30

There’s no right or wrong; though I’d ask a woman with children of your children’s ages why she didn’t feel that their father couldn’t look after them for a weekend and enjoy that time with them - and if her answer was that she can’t trust him to be a decent dad, that would inform the onward conversation.

If you don’t want to be apart from your children, that’s fine, you can say no to the hen do. If it’s a good friend, there shouldn’t be any drama. But don’t forget that your children will become older and you’ll need outside relationships for yourself in all the years to come.

CaffeinatedMum · 08/03/2026 21:31

@ChangeAgainAgainAgain I have a strong sense of identity and a self worth outside of being a mum, but I don’t want to be in a different country to my kids. Both things can be true.

Callmemummynotmaaa · 08/03/2026 21:31

I’d respect your decision OP but as a mum to three under 6, I travel fairly regularly with and without them. We live abroad from family so there’s practical travel (sometimes solo) to visit elderly grandparents, work based travel, travel for weddings, travel with friends (we both try get at least one short trip each year without the kids). You’re absolutely not strange to not want to leave your little people, but for me, I find I’m a nicer parent when I have me time too (and I think it doesn’t do the kids any harm. They are not abandoned they are with their dad who loves them). I really value my friendship time and would happily travel do a hen if we could afford it.

Motheranddaughter · 08/03/2026 21:31

Its obviously up to you but assuming you are leaving the DC in the care of their father I don’t see the issue

damelza · 08/03/2026 21:31

Kids or no kids there's no way on earth I'd travel abroad for a hen do. Polite decline, no explaining, I just won't go.

It's nothing to do with kids, money or anything, just the presumption that anyone can just drop everything in their lives at a given moment and rearrange routines, have the available cash etc. to go to these things outside of the immediate area. And I'm always paired up with the most rabid drinker on the trip. Once bitten...

Original poster
LoftyPlumFox · 08/03/2026 21:32

Thanks for responses so far. I'm reassured that I'm not the only one to feel this way. Think the poster who mentioned feeling envious hit the nail on the head. I think that is probably the uncomfortable feeling I'm sitting with. I know in my heart I don't want to leave my children to go that far, but there's a certain pressure to just get back to normal after kids isn't there? And when I see other mums saying yes to these plans without a second thought it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right!

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 08/03/2026 21:33

I go away for work and leave DD with DH fairly regularly. I wouldn’t go away for a hen do though, purely because I think it’s ridiculous that it’s become common-place to expect people to spend a couple of thousand ££s on a hen-do. If I’m going to spend a load of money on an abroad trip I want to be with my family, doing something I want, in a place I choose.

TurnOnTheCharm · 08/03/2026 21:33

I don't even have kids and I wouldn't go on a hen do abroad, they are just too much and I couldn't be arsed with it.

What happened to just having a local night out?!

babasaclover · 08/03/2026 21:33

Depends if you have a capable partner. I felt the same but did take the plunge and honestly worried about the plane going down all sorts. Ended up having a really nice time and a proper nights sleep!!!!!!

yoid be more likely to crash on motorway for an England trip than place to crash but horses for courses

brightbevs · 08/03/2026 21:34

That would be a straight no from me, no matter how close the friendship.

SP2024 · 08/03/2026 21:34

More depends if you could afford it. I’ve got two kids and have been abroad with friends for a couple of nights leaving them with their dad. No issue. He’s done the same.

champagnetrial · 08/03/2026 21:35

I would (and have) done it, for a mutal arrangement where it was fairer for both parties to meet in the middle. But not for a hen do, where expecting people to go abroad for you doesn't feel very guest-centric. But then I suppose a hen is all about the bride...
I would not judge you at all and totally understand why you wouldn't want to go.

Original poster
LoftyPlumFox · 08/03/2026 21:35

And just because I see the conversation is heading that way, my husband is excellent and responsible. I have had nights away in this country and all has been fine. I miss the kids a bit, but can also enjoy myself away from them. It is definitely specifically a feeling of not being able to travel to another country and leaving them behind that is the problem.

OP posts:
ChubbyPuffling · 08/03/2026 21:36

I wouldn't go, hate hen dos anyway, let alone having to fork out to go to another country. And leave young kids... nope.
I'd be absolutely devastated to be stuck somewhere - like a friend supposed to be just transiting through Dubai.

OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 21:36

There's no right or wrong here.

Everybody is different based on so many personal factors and experience.

Some people see "abroad" as a massive deal, others genuinely don't see the difference between flying to the other side of their own country or to a foreign country. Neither are wrong.

ScrambledEggs12 · 08/03/2026 21:37

We have no one to help with childcare and my partner works shifts so for us it would depend upon if it fit in with the shifts.

Due to not having people to help, when the children were young I would have probably said 'oh I could never leave my children' and be jealous of anyone who could.

But now they are older I don't think I'd actually want to go abroad and leave them at home.

That said I do have a planned break coming up in the UK without them or my partner (but it's not a destination my children would want to come to!)