Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

[LoftyPlumFox]

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

It's the same with the reaction to hen do, look at this thread.

Some people love them, I much rather going to a nice weekend abroad than being forced to a hen do in this country - waste of a weekend if you ask me.
Some people absolutely hate them.

The only pressure is always the one you put on yourself. You are not doing anything "wrong".

I travelled multiple times when my DS was very young. I was a single parent with a role that required global travel. It wasn’t what I would have chosen but I just got on with it. My DS is now an adult male with a degree and a career. He survived.

At 3 and 5, I’d be ok for a couple of nights. The longest I’ve left my nearly 2yo is one night at a time and he’s been with my DH. My 5yo and 12yo often go and stay with grandparents for up to a week in the summer.

I wouldn’t want to go abroad for the cost though unless I could also afford to take my kids on a proper holiday too.

I'm with you OP. equally chuffed for the other side. It's a personal preference.

I've never spent a night away from my child (almost 2) and I'm absolutely happy with that. I've been to many a spa day or friends wedding etc for an entire day, but when night falls I am home with my husband and little girl, which is where I am happiest.

I think it’s fine to feel this way, although plenty of others won’t.

We have some friends who have organised their stag and hen do… on the same weekend! Which has been good fun to try and organise, given almost every attendee (bar the happy couple) had children…!

For me it’s the hassle and stress of getting back in an emergency. Dh is entirely capable, but if something happens it’s much much harder to get back and I would want to be there. I was in the same country but 200 miles away when DS was admitted to hospital with meningitis. Trains were shit and I ended up getting a very expensive cab half way and it was very stressful. Harder to do that when air travel is involved.

Did this once when my DD was 2 (left with grandma) killed me, came back early, never did it again. I envy those who are able to do it, so I’m not judging anyone.

It’s easy to think you’re the only person going through something - humans are pretty self-focused!! There will be some that do, some that don’t, there will pretty much be someone who feels similar to you so I wouldn’t sweat it!!

People can love their children, be ‘overly’ attached and go or not go on a weekend away. It’s not mutually exclusive!

I’d have no issue leaving the kids, but I’d not want to spend money on a Hen do abroad.

My SIL would agree with you while judging all other mums who left their children’s side before they were ten years old

Oh what a nightmare! I hope your DS is ok.

I’m sort of the opposite!! I rarely go to daytime things as like to spend time as a family. I prefer seeing my friends at night when my children are asleep!!

God I wouldn't want to be away from the cat, let alone the family! I'd do it for someone I enjoyed spending time with at much as the children, which is no one, so I wouldn't go.

I had one night in France when my kids were a similar age but that didn’t seem such a big deal as it was just a short train ride away. Might as well have been going to Manchester. But I would have also been worried about being away for a longer period or a long flight.

My husband and I had a weekend away in a European city last month and I was anxious about leaving my youngest child.
He's 21...

I thought the same as you until I went abroad for work and left my two young kids and actually it was fine and I would be much more open to doing it for something fun rather than work now.

Thanks! It was 16 years ago and he is all fine - it was the better of the two sorts which was a relief. But before we knew that, and being far away it was just awful. It’s a scary word to hear when you are far away.

YANBU to not want to leave your children. Also, why are so many hen/stag parties so ridiculously elaborate and expensive these days?

I was happy leaving them with my dh to go abroad when youngest was approx 3yrs old, left them with relatives to go abroad with my dh when youngest was 5yrs old. Different strokes for different folks, no reflection on how attached I am to them, I adore my dc. I was confident they were safe and happy on both occasions and I had a lovely time. Wouldn't have gone if I had concerns about their safety and happiness.

YANBU- I would not feel comfortable at all travelling abroad with anyone under any circumstances without my 2 young children. It is a very personal decision and completely valid that you don’t want to do this.

As soon as someone says Meningitis, you panic!

My DD was hospitalised last year with suspected sepsis so I had the same panic. Luckily, I was with her at the time but my parents (they live very close to us and their house is my kids’ second home) were on holiday and my mum just wanted to be on a plane coming home.

I have done it and it was fine. It felt really good to do something for myself, and to rediscover parts of myself I used to know well, but have been a bit lost since having kids.

You are uncomfortable with it though, so don’t do it and don’t let anyone else pressure you!

I lost a so called “best friend” from doing this by not going on her hen abroad. You have every right to feel the way you do, don’t let anyone influence your choice. Go with your gut 🥰 Real friends will understand xx

I think my issue would be the amount of time away, rather than the flight. A friend (quite a few years ago) went on a hen do in the Dominican Republic for a week - who has enough annual leave to do that? Particularly if there are several weddings that year.

Yes I'm with you here. I can't imagine wanting to go abroad without DC, if I'm having a lovely time away I'd like them to be there enjoying it with me! I do recognise the need for child free time, and have had weekends away with DH in this country, but not a big travel experience in a different country without them.