Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

[LoftyPlumFox]

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

I think it’s completely and totally normal to have time away from your children and nobody bats an eyelid when it’s the dad swanning off on a stag do. Fair enough if you don’t want to leave them, but maybe realise that there’s nothing wrong with the women who do want to, as they are obviously bothered about making time for themselves too. I have to admit I would find it quite unhealthy I couldn’t be away from my children at all.. they can’t be attached to you forever and your kids aren’t that young tbh.

@LoftyPlumFox We all parent differently 😊

No right or wrong answer, if you dont feel comfortable then there's nothing wrong with that. They might have different support systems, you just don't know.

I did a lot of partying and socialising in my twenties.
When I chose to have children I moved into a new phase of my life. And i'm not interested in a party , hen do life style. And yes it is boring to me. The children are what interests me and where I derive my pleasure.

When they are older and not so dependent then it will be a new, more " me" focusd phase of my life and who knows what will interest me then.

Yeah it’s good to work out what you like. I’ve never been a home bunny, I love nights out, holidays, etc! Our first was a Covid baby and once we could travel, I think we did about 7 holidays before nursery started - they’ll probably need a new passport soon with all the stamps!

We’re all in our mid-40s now some with and some without children (most have young children), but we try and catch up monthly/6-weekly in the evenings. We always used to do a couple of weekend trips away a year, but that’s reduced to one now. Absolutely love a nice hotel and a lie in!! I’ve also found a good group of nursery school friends and we like a monthly evening in the pub!

It’s really your call but pretty much everyone I know is happy to leave their children fur a few days either a trusted adult.

I travel for work and started travelling internationally when DS was 2. DS is with his other parent so I don’t give it a second thought.

Me and husband have also been having weekends away since DS was 6 months. Some of those have been abroad. Again, DS was a home with trusted grandparents.

Also, there's no greater slap in the face to remind you of your identity as a mother than when you are preparing to leave your child in the care of others and you are writing The List. Would that it could be all about the no backward glancers and the don't give it a second-thoughters....

I think some people are missing the point. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t want to be away from her kids at all, that she doesn’t trust others to look after them. She’s saying she doesn’t feel comfortable being in a different country to them. She’s also not saying she judges anyone who is able to leave their kids to go abroad, she’s quite happy for them!

I am the same as the OP and don’t like the idea of being abroad when my kids are at home. For me it’s an anxiety thing, I worry about how I would get home if something happened to them. I trust partner / grandparents etc implicitly but if one of them is sick or injured, I would want to be there as quick as I could. I’d also miss them if I’m away too long, and abroad trips tend to involve more time away than a night or two in this country. For me I just wouldn’t be able to relax properly so it wouldn’t be worth spending the money.

That doesn’t mean my life is defined by being a mum as some PPs suggest. I am out three evenings a week exercising, I regularly go out with friends of a weekend, I have been away on weekends with friends or away for nights with work, just all in this country where I could easily hop in the car and get back if needed.

It’s a short phase in life and it will pass. I don’t really feel like I’m missing out.

Well, it is if you didn't have children with a person who weaponises incompetence, and hence needs lists of things involving parenting his/her own child.

I don’t really get the idea that going away without you DC is not giving your DC precedence
My DH along with DH are the most important thing in my life, being away from them for a few days doesn’t change that

We are definitely odd but we won’t be in a different country to our TEEN (unless she’s the one away!). I always thought I would be ok as she got older but I’m just not.

She goes on school trips abroad (and we actively encourage it) but I still can’t bring myself to even go at the same time. I worry about something happening to me and not being able to get back (which wouldn’t even be a disaster as her Granny would have her!) or something happening that meant we needed to travel to where she was, and that being more difficult than travelling from the U.K.

I am completely crackers and well aware of it, but I genuinely couldn’t get on a plane and fly away from her.

I genuinely admire people who have amazing looking trips without their kids though - I wish I could do it, but I can’t!

You never know what kind of child you are going to have. If you aren’t prepared to give everything to a high needs child, you shouldn’t have one.

I pictured a very breezy approach to motherhood myself. The reality with my particular child was very different. It’s luck of the draw.

You aren’t being unreasonable because you ste entitled to have your own boundaries and just because other people are ok with it doesn’t mean you have to be. I wouldn’t go abroad and have a 3 and 6 year old but similarly there are people in my friendship group that still won’t have nights away in the UK years down the line yet I went on a hen do when mine were six months 😂 Everyone is different

People saying it’s really dangerous to be on a diff country to your kids etc - I mean you hop in cars every day and are more likely to die doing that then going on a plane ! It’s so unlikely that you’d die on a plane.
so I don’t think it’s that much of a risk

I agree with it being hard to get back as a reason and you’re worried if your kid was ill or whatever - but again it’s pretty much a low likelihood. Most cases everything will be fine

I live in a diff country to my parents so I have left my kids there several times - 5 year old will be spending 2 weeks in summer hols there with them (I have no childcare or help for school holidays otherwise)
maybe I’m more happy to do it with the fact I’m already used to living away from family !!

I’ve went to New York without my kids once, Ireland for a wedding twice

heading abroad with friend in a few weeks again

ive Never really had these worries that others are mentioning for some reason 🤷‍♀️

I guess everyone’s level of risk they willing to take is different

I’d never have an issue with a friend saying they didn’t feel comfortable leaving their kids either - everyone can do what they want

I went to a wedding abroad when my daughter was about 1 1/2. She was fine with DH, I was away maybe 4 nights. I don’t know, I can’t really relate to the not being able to get on a plane and leave them, it’s not like it’s forever. But we are all different.

You’re not wrong, but neither are all the mums happy to go. We’re all built a bit different and have different situations.

Travelling abroad isn’t inherently dangerous unless you’re having a mini-break in Iran or the hen do is in Moscow. It’s absurd to suggest it’s irresponsible to go abroad on that basis; you’re more likely to die in a car accident going to Tesco than flying to Malaga.

I guess everyone is different but I’d have zero qualms about this and have done it. I had a conference in Prague and one in Paris when youngest DC was 3/4ish and it was honestly fine. I knew they were safe at home with DH and the flight wasn’t ridiculously long if anything happened, which it didn’t. Guessing a hen do wouldn’t be long, a few days or something so I’d honestly go and have fun!

I’ve always gone away for weekends abroad/ or more local nights away with my friends. For me and my friends this is really important. Since having dc this hasn’t changed for anyone, maybe for the first 6 -12 months. Dc are all happy and well looked after by their dads.

I understand the reticence/ anxiety but in my experience it passes as soon as you get on the plane.