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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

168 replies

LoftyPlumFox · 08/03/2026 21:22

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

OP posts:
PorridgeAndSyrup · 08/03/2026 22:36

To me it wouldn't feel any different to going away for a couple of nights in this country. But I suspect that's because I spent a couple of years living in continental Europe in my 20s, and now my DH is from another country, which we visit 2 or 3 times a year, so it doesn't feel like a big deal to me. I put YABU only as a means of voting for how I would feel - I wouldn't actually judge another mum one single bit for not wanting to leave her 3 and 5 year old to go abroad. To be honest, mine are the same age, and I've only left them twice - for one night and then two nights respectively.

Moaning5 · 08/03/2026 22:37

No way would I go abroad without my children. End of.

Each to their own I guess

Thunderdcc · 08/03/2026 22:40

My problem with child free holidays (or indeed family holidays in term time) is it uses up valuable holiday allowance that I need for the school holidays.

I wouldn't have a problem going abroad without them, in fact I have done for work several times, but I am not swimming in annual leave or cash and I just couldn't justify it really.

Viviennemary · 08/03/2026 22:44

Up to you. But it is a bit feeble not to be able to leave your children for a couple of nights. Imho.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/03/2026 22:45

I would not want to leave my dc to go abroad at that age either. Maybe a night or two in the uk, that’s what I was comfortable with at that age. However I was definitely unusual in my friendship group so I think it’s very normal to have holidays without young kids. For me it was partly financial as well, as we didn’t have a lot of disposable income for holidays.

AvidMauveCrab · 08/03/2026 22:45

Yes, I would and have done. I have a 3yo. My friends with younger babies also all do. We all enjoy ourselves and can afford it. But if it’s not what you want to do, then don’t. No one is right or wrong.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/03/2026 22:45

I go away at least once a year without my kids ever since they were around 1/1.5

husband and I leaving kids for 10days next year wit my parents while we go on holiday to celebrate our milestone bdays (kids be 4&7)

I always feel a bit nervous in advance then settle into it and proper enjoy myself !!

Kids happy and safe with dad or my parents - so I’m happy to do this

Psychosislotus · 08/03/2026 22:46

I travel without my kids but probably wouldn’t do a hen abroad unless for my best friend. It is ridiculous the spend people expect.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 08/03/2026 22:47

There’s no right or wrong, my DC are grown up now but I found I was a better mum for having a break once a year and my DH and DC enjoyed their time together. I also think it helped him appreciate what I did for the family.

Mrspepperpotpot · 08/03/2026 22:48

I thought I would but imagine being in Dubai now.. that’s put me off!

CactusSwoonedEnding · 08/03/2026 22:49

I would happily spend up to 3 days away from young children, having a brilliant and fun time which I would richly deserve, so long as at all times I would theoretically be no more than 3 hours away from then in the event of any kind of emergency. So I can't think of any overseas destination that would be true for unless I was going to be in a resort right next to an international airport because most of that time limit would be used up entirely by the ground based admin before and after the actual flight time.

Mermaidsaremiracles · 08/03/2026 22:49

I went away for 4 nights with friends when my eldest was 2.5 and youngest was about 10 months! I had to pump while I was there as I was still breastfeeding youngest to sleep at home! But the holiday - it was a very rare occurrence, and I have a very hands on husband who was happy to take the time off work to look after the kids while I was away.

I didn't really miss them much either 😂 but then again my DH worked away a lot back then so I never got a break and was happy to swap!

However, this summer we've been asked to go on a a couples weekend away to Spain. I know it's not very far, but I think I'm actually more bothered about the fact we'd BOTH be going, so if anything happened to us, or god forbid one of the kids while we were away, they'd have no parent with them.
So I'm much more apprehensive and I have actually decided to finally get our wills done before we go. Yes morbid I know! But it does make you think about this stuff.

Plenty of people wouldn't feel happy going, in your situation though and it's just a personal choice.

elm26 · 08/03/2026 22:49

I went on my friends hen do abroad at 20 weeks pregnant, left my 2 year old at home with her very capable Dad. We had a villa and I spent 3 days out of “mum mode”, I rested, read my kindle, swam, laughed with the girls. It was amazing. I missed DD of course but I knew I’d be back before I knew it so I made the most out of the opportunity!

Kizmet1 · 08/03/2026 22:50

I've done exactly the same as you previously. I have declined a hen do abroad, and tbh even in this country I don't like being away from my 3y/o for more than one night.
I don't think there is wrong or right about it, it is just personal choice and something that depends on the personalities and needs of each parent and their child.

Whatnameisif · 08/03/2026 22:53

I have been abroad without my preschooler.

My child isn't why I'd decline a foreign hen do though. I wasn't in to them and declined before I had kids too. There are other ways I'd rather spend my time time and money. I did go on a foreign hen once for one of my oldest friends and it consolidated my opinion.

Beesandhoney123 · 08/03/2026 22:55

No. Although bf for a bit too long gets you out of loads:) get a reputation as someone who bf a 18 month old and I can promise you you'll never have to worry about anyone asking you anywhere:)

I just liked being at home with my dc. I never really liked going out as I got older anyway, not clubbing and stuff.

I like people coming over, or going to them but I don't drink anymore either, because of being woken up in the night and early mornings/ long days and don't like to have a hangover round the dc.

Endofyear · 08/03/2026 22:56

I probably wouldn't have gone when mine were babies but if they were 3 and 5 I would have. I knew they would be fine at home with their dad and it's not inherently more dangerous to be away in another country than it is being away in the UK.

Reepycreepy · 08/03/2026 23:00

I agree with you @LoftyPlumFox . Go with what your heart tells you to do.

Ponderingwindow · 08/03/2026 23:04

Flights can be canceled indefinitely. Borders can close. I wasn’t comfortable being in a separate country from my dc until I was comfortable with the idea of not being with her for several months if something unexpected happened.

Franjipanl8r · 08/03/2026 23:07

I think most parents feel anxious about leaving their kids. It depends on what you do with that anxiety though - let it rule your life or just deal with the anxiety and go anyway.

BlackCat14 · 08/03/2026 23:07

And when I see other mums saying yes to these plans without a second thought it makes me feel like I'm not doing something right!

If it helps, and obviously I don’t speak for everyone here, but I guess for a lot of mums who say “yes” it’s not always “without a second thought.” It might look like it on the outside but inside they find it a tough decision to make. For example, I’m going on a group holiday with friends this summer and I’ll be leaving my child at home. For a few days. I’ve said yes to the trip and have paid for it, and I’m excited to spend some free time with friends and I know the holiday will be brilliant. But every now and then I do think about it and question if it’s the right thing to do or not. And I worry I’ll miss him so much. But I’m going, it will be good for me. None of my friends would have any clue I’ve been second guessing myself over and over and they’d assume I’m easily going “without a second thought” but I really have been up and down with this decision.

I absolutely think you should do what’s right for you OP, and if that’s staying home with your little ones, then try not to feel bad about it, your friend will completely understand! So many other women would feel the same as you.

Gizzywizzywoo · 08/03/2026 23:12

Ive never had a night away from my youngest, shes 11 later this year
My eldest who is coming 29 had lots of weekends away from a young age with her grandparents who also took her abroad so i was used to having a couple of nights to go away myself or just be at home alone but with no grandparents or family around my youngest has never had a night away and i wouldnt feel comfortable going abroad without her
Totally reasonable to feel that way, if you did go youd only worry the whole time , dont give it another thought youve got to do what works for you :)

Mumofteentwins · 08/03/2026 23:32

I was coming on to say I totally get how you feel and I wouldn’t have wanted to do it either when mine were little.

then I remembered I did leave them! (They’re teens now) I went to a family wedding in the US without them when they were 3 and then when they were 4 I went to a close friend’s wedding halfway across the world. Both times I remember not wanting to leave them for more than 3 nights so I did ridiculously short trips on both occasions. Was slightly mad really but I do remember really enjoying both trips, I had a great time and I wasn’t away from them for too long either time. I must have had terrible jet lag but it was 10 + years ago so I was obviously 10 years younger!

since then I’ve done a lot of work travel and I’ve mostly enjoyed it very much. My DH is their parent, they are absolutely fine with him alone. As teens now they are confident and independent.

however the PP who posted about meningitis - that would have made me really anxious if I’d thought of that before my trips.

in a way OP - I would do it now and have a nice break from the very full on days that come with having small kids. Mine are doing GCSEs now and I don’t want to leave them at all at this point. I do have a weekend abroad booked with friends in September but they’ll be in 6th form by then!

PollyBell · 08/03/2026 23:37

I wouldnt go to an abroad hen do nothing to do with being a parent

OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 23:41

Ponderingwindow · 08/03/2026 23:04

Flights can be canceled indefinitely. Borders can close. I wasn’t comfortable being in a separate country from my dc until I was comfortable with the idea of not being with her for several months if something unexpected happened.

when have flights ever been cancelled without warning for several months and people unable to go back home 😂

Even the harshest covid restrictions never stopped people from going home and gave warnings that the borders would be shut. If people wanted to leave, they could.

It's later they got stuck or had to go in quarantine, but that was a choice.