Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

[LoftyPlumFox]

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

YABU for not being able to go abroad without your kids.
YANBU for not going abroad for a hen do.

Yanbu. Everyone is different. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my children for that long at that age either.

Snarky.

Even if people can afford what is often at least a couple of grand, many of them - especially those with young children - will have better uses for that money.

I think the people stuck in dubai might have something to say. Or the ash cloud.
a friends son was due back this weekend, He is due back around the 25th now.
Not months, but long enough to feel like you shouldn’t have left your kids.

op, if your not comfortable, don’t go. It’s entirely your call and no one should judge you either way

You are absolutely fine, and you are allowed your own feelings and boundaries
I have and would again go away without my kids at that age, that’s my choice, you are doing nothing wrong following your own instincts

I was away from my children when they were that age, but only for business trips i.e. stuff I had to do professionally.
I would not have felt comfortable going on a jolly when I felt I spent such little time with them as it was, because I worked full time.
I didn't miss out on any Hen Dos of my close friends because they were back in the day when going abroad for them wasn't done (at least not in my circle of friends).

I’m not a parent yet but I pray to god that if I do become one I am exactly this kind of parent. I would absolutely hate to lose my identity to motherhood.

I wouldn't leave my kids

Someone I know left her 6 month old baby to go to Australia for two weeks, and yes I did judge.

I am not massively maternal and I definitely didn't lose my identity to motherhood but I probably would have not wanted to leave two kids that young to go abroad. for a hen do.

I went away for 5 nights for a work related trip when my dc was 15 months. It wasn’t mandatory but was going to be very helpful for my role, there were only a a few spaces available internationally and I applied not expecting to actually get accepted. I almost didn’t go as I had not long been back to work and I was spiralling with the thought of it. Tried to get DH to come with our DC but he (thankfully) declined. As soon as I was there I relaxed, enjoyed myself and was so glad they didn’t come otherwise I would have felt guilty about not spending time with them and not actually enjoyed myself. I did also miss my little and was v excited to get back.

Now if I had to go abroad again I think I wouldn’t worry as much, but for a hen do it would have to be close family or a friends whereas before my little I would have been more inclined to pop abroad for any loose friend. As others have said for me it’s the spending the time and money away from family when I feel like I barely see my child now.

All feelings are valid - if your gut is telling you something- listen to it. We’re not all the same person - thankfully - so don’t let it bother you what other people are doing and be confident in your decisions even if it looks different to everyone else’s -that’s a great example to set your children. As a pp said a lot of the pressure you feel is probably self imposed (I’m guilty of this too) - pretty sure the Hen will expect with it being abroad that some people will not be able to attend

I left my 16 month old for 4 days for a girls trip, to another country, a 3 hour flight. On the outside, yes, it looked like I didn't give it a second thought but privately I was quite stressed. I had an amazing time and I'm glad I went but there were many behind the scene worries etc.

I only have the one kid though. I don't think i could leave a 3 and a 5 year old alone with DH. That would be quite hard for DH.

I'm on the fence with this as I have young kids who need me and I'd carry a bit of guilt around. But on the other hand I do like a break and some me time! The trip would have to be really worth it. I'm not sure someone else's hen do would be 🙈 I'd rather have some quiet recuperation!

For your sake, I hope your identity is not so tied to random hen dos, that's quite lame.

When you do become a parent, you will see that something like going away for several nights when you have very young children requires a lot of effort and organizing. It's nothing to do with identity, and everything to do with logistics, work, sleep deprivation, money etc etc.

And it's silly to think you and your life won't change. Motherhood is a life changing thing. You won't be the same once you have a baby.

I wouldn't be able to leave my two and they are 9 and 12!

Excuse me? I have never been to a hen do, let alone a hen do abroad. And the other nonsense in your post - you seem to have inferred an awful lot. Projecting much.

I agree with you OP. Nothing would have made me even consider going off on a jolly overseas and leaving my young children behind.

No, I personally wouldn't leave my kids to go on a hen do abroad for the reasons you've said. I'd do it for a funeral and possibly for work but with a sense of unease.

Both DH and I have had to travel abroad for work - dc1 was about 14 months old and still BF when I first went. I then went for personal reasons when DC 2 was 4. DH is very hands on so I have had no qualms leaving them with him but I did feel a bit anxious.

to be fair @Crushed23 if you re-read your initial quote I don’t think @NeedAdvice6432 is inferring anything (other than your identity being tired to hen dos). By you saying “I would hate to lose myself to motherhood” it’s suggesting that’s what has happened because @LoftyPlumFox doesn’t want to leave her 2 kids for a hen do. Lots of people don’t feel like their identity is tied to their children but also don’t want to leave them and that’s ok.

@NeedAdvice6432 is purely stating the logistical challenges that come with life with kids and the fact that you things change massively when they’re here whether you think they will or not. We all have an idea of what kind of parent we think we will be and hope we will be and I’m sure all mothers have been in situations where we’ve found ourselves doing or being someone we didn’t expect. It may have been unintentional but your original quote seems as if you’re saying the OP is doing something wrong which as a mother /parent is very common to feel like all the time anyway and the OP has already said that they feel like their doing something wrong - which they’re not - we can all parent how we wish as long as everyone is safe and happy.

actually I am going to contradict myself to add having your identity tied to your children (and this being a negative thing) is a laughable concept anyway - I don’t know how you don’t have your identify in some way or other tied when you have 2 littles. I only have one - I work a busy, objectively successful job, I see friends weekly - evenings and weekends as well as planned overnights, go to the gym twice a week, have a weekly hobby try and plan date nights with DH - all of this is exhausting to do btw- and I still of course feel like my identity is tied to my DC. They’re not the only thing in my life but they certainly are the most important

there are seasons for everything and the days of them being young go so fast so everyone should show up for their kids how they see best not how they think they should be doing things or how society tells them to. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal and @LoftyPlumFox on your deathbed you’re not going to be regretting missing the hen do😂

I left my 8 month old 30 years ago to go to New York for 4 days with friends. No mobile phones either.
Dh was great...no help from anyone as we didn't have anyone! I went away every year as a parent, as did dh.

My children are 10 and 3. I’m going to Majorca for 4 nights with my friends at the end of August, I feel ok about it, however, this is the first time I’ve left the country without them in over 10 years. You may feel differently in a few years x

I won’t leave mine in another country either OP. Flights get cancelled for war, covid, volcanos, system crashes. I also don’t let grandparents take them abroad without me. A drive or train ride away np.