Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

[LoftyPlumFox]

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

I can no longer enjoy those things since becoming a mum. My DCs are all above 8 now, but I still can't do it.

I’ve never travelled abroad without my kids.

I don’t judge anyone for doing it. But it’s not for me. I don’t leave my children in this country anymore longer than one night.

Im with you op I don't think its about having a capable partner. I have a very capable partner and would happily go away for weekends in the UK. Its just if there is an emergency and one of my kids ended up in hospital and you can't get to them. Also I wouldn't want to risk getting stuck abroad especially how things are currently.

@LoftyPlumFox I have turned down a hen do abroad next year too and was having the exact same feelings as you to be honest. 18 people invited - 14 of them with children and the majority are younger than mine.

Every single one of them sent a couple of hundred pounds booking deposit and gave a definite yes, even without knowing final dates or a confirmed cost 🫠🤣
The proposed idea is a 5 night stay, 4.5 hour flight, at a cost of roughly £1300 each B&B. So there are still activities & food costs on top.

It just made me realise how much my priorities have shifted. I love my friends, and have been to Hen weekends a few hours away in the UK. I’m away this weekend for a UK city break to treat a good friend who has had a particularly rough couple of years and just deserves something nice.
But getting on a plane without my 5yo just feels different to me and is not something I personally feel comfortable with doing. And I don’t want to leave him for 5 days either.
Nevermind the cost - that could pay for a little getaway for our family. I wouldn’t spend that on a boozy 5 days in the sun.

DH is fabulous and is just as much of a parent as I am so there is no issue with me leaving for 5 days if I wanted to….i just have no desire to at all.

And if I’m honest, for all those saying about needing to maintain a strong personal identity away from being “just being mum”….is “just being mum” really that bad? Kids grow so fast and I personally don’t see anything wrong with priorities changing while they are young. I still make a point of seeing friends and doing things but jetting off on 5 day trips IMO is just too much for me.

I’ve never had an issue leaving any of my children. I always feel refreshed after a break and come back being a better mum.
I also do think you can not want to lose your identity as an individual. I love my children but love the opportunity to be just me.

i totally agree with you and feel the same

I’d have been absolutely fine going abroad at those ages but I know my sisters both wouldn’t.

I do understand people saying they feel nervous about leaving them/feeling too far away being abroad. I don’t understand people who would rather spend time with their children rather than their friends, that blows my mind, small children are boring and I literally laugh all day when I’m with my friends. A trip away with my kids when they were little left me knackered. A trip with friends always leaves me feeling rejuvenated.

I'm with you. I work FT and travel a bit for work. I like spending weekends with my kids (2 and 7) and wouldn't want to give up a whole chunk of non working time to be away from them.

Making decisions based on the wellbeing of your children is not loosing your identity.

Neither is listening to your maternal instincts to not want to be a long distance away from your small children.

What absolute cobblers.

Agree OP. I never left my children as I couldn’t imagine a holiday without them. We still go together and they’re in their 20s.

You realise that you can fly in many parts of the world don't you? "Abroad" is a big place.

If you fly to Italy and the ash cloud comes back, you just.. take a train instead? Pain in the neck, but you are not stranded for months either 😂.

Again, not ideal, but you can take a ferry from Ibiza.

You could go on all night with examples, but the concept of being stranded for months is ridiculous. There's no risk of abandoning your children for months simply because you go away for a weekend with friends "abroad".

You don't want to do it, you don't have to, no one is judging, but say you don't want to. Blaming the "risks" is silly. You might crash on the motorway or be in a train accident in this country if want to be anxious about everything.

I answered YABU because I wouldn’t have a problem with this personally; however, I don’t think it’s unreasonable per se - you’re entitled not to want to go, just as others are entitled to feel comfortable going. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to feel about it, tbh!

I don't think there's anything wrong at all, and they grow up so fast and become independent so fast, it makes sense to enjoy the very short years you have with them. Holidays with my kids are the best time of the year since they were born.

Before you know it, they'll be going on holiday with friends, school trips abroad etc..

“just being mum” becomes a problem when you put pressure on them because you are too anxious to let them have a life, refuse to let them join trips abroad without you, put pressure on them to give up their holidays to stick with you etc..

Look at how many thread where posters are terrified at the idea of a 16 yo going to central "London" with friends, would never consider leaving an under-18 home alone (there's a thread about a 17yo!), and posters are having a meltdown because they are "abandoned" when the kids go to uni or move out. It doesn't happen when mothers don't put their life completely on hold for too many years.

Not seeing the point or wanting holidays without your young kids is healthy, refusing to go anywhere "abroad" because of an hypothetical zombie apocalypse is not.

I wouldnt spend the money to go abroad for a hen do. Period!

At the ages your kids are, no, I wouldnt want to go abroad from them. I did extremely rare weekends away (I think twice?) And at least one of those was a work trip.

Now, my kids are 13, 15 and 17 I went away with DH to Greece for pur first couple only holiday abroad and it was amazing. MIL stayed with them as the youngest is still a bit young for no adult supervision.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but not whilst the world is currently imploding courtesy of Trump.

I certainly wouldn't leave my children to go off on a hen do abroad
My children are too important to me and to leave them to attend an event I would find absolutely boring and unenjoyable would make no sense.
It would have to be something really important or necessary for it to take precedence over my children.

Some of these posts are bonkers

people who’ve never been away without their children who are in their 20s!
people who think leaving 2 under fives with their DH would be too hard for the DH

I’d unpick your ‘logic’ here. What is it that you imagine is going to happen because you’re in another country? How long are you going to restrict yourself to always being in the same country as your children?

Well, perhaps it’s just as well you’re highly unlikely to be invited to many?

I only did an abroad holiday (big anniversary holiday) without the kids last year and my eldest was 8, youngest 4. I didn't want to go and be in another country but actually enjoyed it when I was there. I won't be making a habit of it though.
My DC do spend 4 nights a couple of times a year at my parents though so it was only 2 extra nights.
Its personal preference and what you are comfortable with. Your friends shouldn't judge if they are your friends. I have friends who wont leave their kids overnight at all. Their preference. Just means sometimes they miss out on things but they are happy with that compromise.

And your point is?
I'm merely agreeing with OP that my children would take precedence over a hen do every time.

Totes agree. Motherhood is such a dirty word sometimes. It's OK to be a mum and to say 'I don't feel comfortable doing this'. It doesn't have to to mean you are sacrificing yourself on the altar of your identity.

My point is that if you default to viewing a hen do as ‘absolutely boring and unenjoyable’, presumably it’s unlikely you are invited to many, and that, if they are that unappealing, it would be irrelevant whether said hen do was in a holiday cottage in the UK or on a Greek island.

@OneBreezyHelper Completely agree with you ☺️ DS is still too young for all of that but I will always encourage him to take advantage of these opportunities as he grows up.

Family holidays with DS are my favourite times of year too ☺️ and I secretly hope he wants to holiday with DH and I forever 🤣🤣

in fairness, some mum posters would not tolerate to be left alone with their children either 😂

Have you seen how many posters are adamant there must 2 adults for that mythical "bedtime" and every weekend, and husband is not allowed to be anywhere ever.