Hen do dilemma - surely I can't be the only one?!

[LoftyPlumFox]

My friend is getting married and I've been invited on the hen do. It's abroad and I've said I won't be able to make it. This is partly due to the cost but also because I have young children (3 and 5) and I just can't imagine boarding a plane and going to another country without them.

I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me of course, but there are about 5 other mums in the group, all with kids younger than mine, some with babies under one, and none seem to have a problem with going. I'm in no way judging these mums and I'm perfectly aware that some must travel for work etc. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and overly attached to my children. I'd have no issue having a night or two away in this country. It's just the added uncertainty and distance of going abroad.

So what does everyone think? Am I the weird one or are there others out there who feel like me?

I personally do not like to be overseas from the DC (2 under 5s). Ive had to do it for a couple of nights for work and I felt uncomfortable the whole time. Ive done several nights away from them in the UK (DH and I together, and me by myself) but i just have this low level anxiety about being a plane ride away, something happening and then not being able to get back. Doesn't even need to be a war like situation as in the Middle East right now - a family member of mine got stuck when that icelandic volcano erupted and it took them over a week to get back, my DM was overseas once when my GP was admitted to hospital and it was very stressful for her getting back. I'd rather wait until the DC are older.

I’d be skipping to get on that plane! I went to Australia for 2 weeks (on a work trip) when my eldest was 16 months. It was great. She was in excellent hands with Dh.

Generally, no, unless still bf, I don’t think most mums would struggle to leave their dc for a weekend away. Different, of course, if they are 6 months. Or if a lone parent. For example, I have no family, so if I didn’t have Dh, I wouldn’t be possible to go away. But no, never felt guilty or uncomfortable leaving them. In fact, I take a solo holiday abroad every year and have since they were both toddlers. I’d rather poke my own eye out than go on a hen do though. 😂

I’m with you OP, I wouldn’t want to go (and would have no problem saying so). 😊

YABU for going as you obviously don't want to. Overseas hen nights are ridiculous. Tell her you'd rather go out for a pizza and a bottle of wine where you live.

YANBU.
I have always felt rather guilty and couldn’t wait to get back to my daughter when I went overnight without her and I’m still the same now.
I went to Spain on a conference with work for 4 days when DD was under 2 and I was counting down the days, even though it was great and a fantastic opportunity.
My DD is 8 now and I’ve been abroad with the girls when it’s a friend(s) I’m really close to. Secretly I’ve always wanted to come home early, even though we had a good time. Whilst I don’t admit it to anyone, I can’t ever imagine not feeling like this until she’s an adult tbh! For less close friends I would not go.
Saying this, neither my partner nor my parents are helpful with childcare, that probably makes a difference.
I think I’m in the minority as I have friends who spend long periods of time away from their kids without a second thought. Neither is the right or wrong way, just different.

happy to leave the kids with grandparents usually, and more than happy to leave with husband. have taken one of them abroad without the others before.
However, trump is putting me off going abroad at all at the minute with or without the kids.

You do with whatever you are happy doing, I used to be happier leaving my little girls but as they’ve got older it’s actually harder. We left our oldest at 2 years old for 5 nights with grandparents while we attended a wedding in the US, I wouldn’t do that now. Age 2 she was a little oblivious but she’s 9 now and she’d be so upset if we did that, however much she loves her grandparents.

I have a hen do in this country, it’s 2.5 hours drive away and the first night is after a significant school day for my oldest and I want to be around for her so I’m just going for the one night.

I think views will differ. I have taken breaks when DCs were small. That being said, I am not a great fan of foreign hen weekend and the costs you can incur.

I have a strong sense of identity and self worth outside of just being a Mum

and of course any mother who doesn’t want to go to a hen do abroad without her young children doesn’t I suppose @ChangeAgainAgainAgain ? 🙄

I get that and love it for you. When I say "many" a spa day I'm talking about 5 or 6 since she was born haha. But it's enough for me. Family days are just top tier aren't they!

Tbh, I'm a total home honey anyway and I just love being here, in my home. Although pre motherhood I did really bleeding well enjoy a good old knees up with the girls! But after pregnancy and abreast feeding, I went on my first night out, had 2 glasses of wine, was absolutely trollied by 9pm and asleep in bed by 10 😂. So I decided to hang up my dancing shoes and stick to the odd day drinking event.

Not sure if it was the transition into motherhood, or the fact I'm pushing 40 that caused that. Maybe a mixture of both. But I wouldn't change it now. X

Everyone's different OP. I couldn't, but did for a few days when DS was two, for a conference. Don't think he missed me as he had DH all to himself!! It was hard, though, but I admit enjoying the selfish freedom a bit!!

Whereas my friend left her first born 3 month old with her DM to take a long haul honeymoon. Since then they travelled all over the country & world leaving DC with her MIL. They couldn't understand why we took local holidays with our DC. I felt sorry for her DC.

I would go for a close friend but I wouldn’t want to.

This ^ 100%

My husband and I have been to Disneyland for a few nights, Spain for a week and several 2 night trips all without the kids over the past 4 or 5 years. Their ages would have been between 1 and 6 years old during these times with the number of children increasing as the years went by 😂

But if you don't want to go then don't. It's not up to anyone else to force or judge you although I do think it is good to take time for yourself.

I would do this, but was back travelling for work before they were both 1 (and breastfed through that as well). DH is a fully functional parent.

I'm not even going to deny I liked it! I really liked it- what a treat. I've always travelled a lot for work and pleasure though so it's a very core part of who I am.

I'm with you OP, I don't like the thought of being a flight away if something were to happen.

I've also never enjoyed a hen do though. Even just with my closest friends in the world, a one night trip is enough for me to want to have some peace and quiet after - so I'd have said no even before kids!

I’d be fine with the leaving the children. But I’d still almost certainly say no to an abroad hen do. The cost, plus the annual leave (which is precious in our house because we need to cover school holidays) would mean it probably wouldn’t be practical. DH turned down a stag do last year for the same reason.

I have the most capable DH in the world but no I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving them to go abroad. Maybe on Eurostar
I’d have been ok but I don’t like flying so wouldn’t have been able to relax .

It always makes me chuckle when I read things like this, as though wanting to spend time with your kids and husband is a sign of a weak character or lack of identity.

I prefer their company to most other people. I find all female events quite dull so going overnight or for a few nights would be completely unappealing, that’s an unpopular opinion on here.

Don't think I would have been able to do it when DD was young as yours. My situation was different through, it would have meant she would have to stay at grandparents so missing home as well as me. May have been more persuaded as a 1 off hen weekend. Definitely couldn't have done what I see some do on Facebook having their girls abroad holiday every year, as i always saw holiday time and budget to be something that should be child inclusive at that age.

As she got older (10+) she would regularly ask for double sleepovers at my parents at weekends when I was at home anyway. So I did have a weekend away with my ex (together at the time) to celebrate his 40th. He paid as he was well off and I only took 1 day off work, so it didn't disadvantage my DD in terms of her going without holidays or mini breaks. Still felt guilty though, think it is just seen in wider society as something selfish for mothers to do. If your from a family where it is not the done thing, you can't make yourself just force yourself to feel differently about it.

Realistically I know it isn't something that anyone should feel guilty about. Father's dont seem to have the same guilt instilled in them or the same expectations. We don't stop being a person in our own right the moment we have a child. Women should feel equally as able to have some break and to be themselves as a woman and not just mum, if that is something they would enjoy doing

I would never leave an under one yr old. I didn’t have the kind of job that requires me to travel so it never came up in a work sense but no way would I leave under 1 EBF baby with DH. And I wouldnt leave dc who are your dc age. For me being out being away from dc isn’t a priority or something I yearn for… not financially or physically or mentally.

I also think I really wouldnt enjoy an out of country hen do. It’s too long for me making conversation getting ready eating drinking $$$ spending simply being with other females and I don’t like posing for pictures ! And I’m MN conventionally attractive😊 it’s too much socializing and I consider myself social.

now I would love a day in the museum or a day to shop or a day to get haircut and facial but not a hen do.
with that said I think say…it doesn’t work for me to be out of the country celebrating a hen. have a wonderful time. See the bride at another time or be really present really helpful at the wedding ,

I have a 5 year old and have travelled overseas for short breaks of 2-3 days with friends and also for work. DH is perfectly capable of coping with her on his own, and although I miss her when I’m away, I don’t think it’s healthy for us to be connected at the hip 24/7.

I don't think there is a right or wrong.

I went abroad twice last year without my son (3/5 nights). He was absolutely fine, and had a great time time with his dad. I felt sick leaving him, and was plagued with mum guilt, but ended up having two fantastic breaks.

I am away abroad for a week this year, and again feeling awful for leaving, but I know DS (5) will be fine, and again have lots of fun with DP.

Me and DS have a wonderful bond, and me going away, once or twice a year doesn't affect that.

It’s actually easier to get away when they’re little. Once they get into school, sports etc finding the time and help is much harder.

I would have had no problem going but it would need to be something I would really enjoy. Otherwise not worth the money or hassle imo

I would just say you can’t and give another reason to friends or you’ll definitely come across as judgy.

I am an absolute fanny about leaving my kids! They are 17 and 12 🤣. They have had maybe a handful of nights without one of us there! They would be absolutely fine, I however would not!