Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

Somehow you completely omitted the team mates... Do you often say to your colleagues last minute "no, I'm not going to do my job and complete the project"? Do women need to be allowed to ruin the work whenever they feel like it?

That's fine. I actually agree with you about honouring commitments, and that would be part of the following conversation - but I'd still be ok with the no.

It's not healthy to force kids to perform for adults either.

I don't think I've ever done that, no. But I'm a grown up who's able to understand what I'm committing to, and saying no early on if it's something I'm not going to do. I would hope that I've a bit more self-awareness than I did at 7.

This.

OP's daughter performed in the same show last year so she actually knew what she was committing to.

I expect she would have loved it once she was there. We have fallen into the trap of listening too much to small children who don't really have the ability to judge whether they want to do something or not. A simple we are going and then ignoring it until it was time to go would have sufficed.

I'd missed that, but then even more grounds for trusting her if she said she didn't want to do it! I think it's quite telling that the OP posted that her DD is fine to not continue with gym. I think the conversation I'd be having is about voicing her feelings earlier, and getting to the bottom of the "showing off" comment.

The irony of this being posted on international women's day notwithstanding, I don't think it is a smart move to coerce any child or person to take part in a performance against their will.

Would you like to be forced to put on a leotard and twerk in front of a hall full of strangers?

It sounds as if you are only focused on your own disappointment and the wasted tickets, with your child's wellbeing and bodily autonomy a secondary concern.

Now I may be coming across as harsh but as a former competitive gymnast I am very familiar with the sport's ugly side, and girls being harmed by it.

Being forced to compete or perform under duress is abusive in my opinion. If a similar story were posted about circus animals people would be rightly upset by it. This is a 7 year old girl.

Now in an ideal world your daughter would have told you she didn't want to do it before arrangements were made and tickets bought. However she is a child and you are the adult, and if she sensed that you were keen for her to participate or might be annoyed about wasted money, she may not have felt able to speak up sooner.

I would prioritise your daughter's wishes and your future relationship with her, and letting her know that it is OK to say no to adults when asked to do something she isn't comfortable with, above the immediate inconvenience and disappointment of one gym performance.

Would you like to be forced to put on a leotard and twerk in front of a hall full of strangers?
WTF @Charliede1182 ?
twerk? It’s gymnastics not a sex show. And there’s no leotard either.

Edit: I don’t believe a former professional gymnast would equate it with twerking.

Would you like to be forced to put on a leotard and twerk in front of a hall full of strangers?

Wtf?

They now have a tense situation at home over all this, screen ban and OP's partner's conflicting messages etc so I wouldn't put a lot of weight on her words about not continuing. She was excited and looking forward to the show until someone told her it's showing off, she got nerves and her father messed things up.

It's the relationship issue, quite obviously. The child was OK to participate.

Some people definitely have issues with leotards and performing arts... 🤦‍♀️

THANK God for her dad??
Are you deliberately goading this woman?
She just explained that "Dad" was a waste of space (he's at the gym while she has to parent both kids....

Yes, you could well be right, it sounds messy. I was reflecting on whether someone at gymnastics may have said something to her or others too. As much as these activities can be positive and great for confidence, gymnastics clubs aren't always the nicest environments. I don't know - but regardless I'd still have let her pull out.

Losing devices is not a natural consequence for this. I would go down the route of she is part of a group and has made a commitment and yes, she has to do it. You can talk about a non-performance hobby next term if it’s no longer suiting her. She will have to do things in front of an audience all through school, I wouldn’t give her the impression it’s optional.

You do need a consequence lined up for if you get there and she bails. Does she get pocket money? Could she lose the cost of the outfit over a few weeks?

The girl is not a competitive gymnast, it's an end of term show for parents. Your post is ridiculous in the context. Your choice of words projects body shame, exactly the opposite young girls need to be taught. Being confident in dance and any sport irrespective of its uniform is very healthy for girls and their body image.

Hrft but i would ask her to go and help the others dress and get ready to perform. To see that backstage is just as important and performing can be ok..

Maybe a different friend group or even a family member has called it showing off and that has upset her.

She has made her decision. Maybe one day she will look back and regret it but for now, that is her decision. You need to respect it and you should most certainly not punish her, how could that even occur to you? That would be very two-faced and confusing and teach her nothing about decision-making. I understand your disappointment, my children have always taken part, enthusiastically, in class presentations. But I would never have criticized for pulling out of things. I would, if course, have pointed out that money had been spent on them and I would want to know why they had made the decision. Perhaps I would be less forthcoming next time they need money for something. Not refused to pay but set conditions BEFORE paying out

It could have been anyone as telling someone is a show off is a common thing among children who do nothing but screens and want to bring their peers down for doing some activities. Her father just reinforced that by telling he wouldn't want to show off ether, thus equating performance and showing off, and he's a figure of authority for the child. Completely wrong attitude but it's widespread.

If your DH refuses to spend any time alone with the toddler that's a much bigger problem than the gymnastics show. I wouldn't stress about the gymnastics, we made our son do gymnastics for much longer than he wanted to and I regret it. It seemed like a big deal at the time but at 7 they're so little, she has plenty of time to be brave about going on stage if that's what she wants later on.

I mean, all human beings on earth have personality flaws, including children. I don't think pointing out that an extreme over-reaction sounds like a personality flaw is especially horrible. It's just an opinion. Having said that, I was skimming and didn't realise we were talking about her child. I thought it was a child she knew, the way she talked about watching these two children play a duet. I probably would have kept that opinion to myself if I'd realised she was talking about her own.

Your husband doesn't watch his own child on his own?! That's utterly bizarre. What is wrong with some men.

I don’t think I’d be paying for anymore costumes or classes for a show she refuses to do. Is she going to waste your money every year on more costumes and classes for a show she refuses to do?

So was she asked before the costume was bought and she had a place in the show? If so and she said yes and this morning was the first mention of her not wanting to be in it I would absolutely be making her go. It’s not just about her and she will be letting the others down too, not to mention the cost of the costume. If she hasn’t been asked then no I wouldn’t make her go.