Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

you need to let it go - stop making it about you. Sorry but to also punish her over it with the no screens etc is madness, she will stop bringing things to you. You need to talk about why and discuss it etc.

I was super disappointed when my DD gave up ballet mostly because she didn't want to do shows and all the classes focused on the show rather than learning dance. We can be disappointed if they flit from one thing to the next constantly but it sounds to me that she had a good enough reason to not be in the show and drop out albeit annoyingly at the last minute

Hi op your dh hasn’t helped the situation when dd said showing off he should have said it’s not showing off it just showing mummy and daddy what you learn at your classes and your friends will all be excited with there costume it’s going to be fun. Then you have said also your friends will miss you if you don’t join them. No one can force someone to do something but if she can just drop out off things especially when it’s a group effort. Your dh is a selfish individual who should be taking care of his kids.

Have i got this right.. she doesnt want to do it , her dads fine with it, but you're punishing her??? Cant you and daughter go and watch so she still feels part of it? She may gain some reassurance for next time..

My seven year old gymnast granddaughter who loved gymnastics and was chosen to go into a higher group and perform in competition with a trio much to her delight suddenly said that she didn't want to do it any more. Her parents and I who support her and take her couldn't understand why and so kept cajoling and persuading her to continue even though she was really crying and saying no because she had not said what the problem was even though we constantly asked. Turns out she was being shouted at by one of her trio and same teenage girl was physically abusing her by squeezing her legs hard when in hold. So to all the people who are saying she must go and ignoring her feelings maybe you need to consider there might be other factors at play in OPs daughters situation.

This. Completely agree.

I think you need to get on the same page with your DP. Quite frankly he sounds like a dick. If you said what you wanted to happen he needs to fall in line with that and discuss separately, not undermine you. That's where things are probably going wrong. Do you think he might have made a comment yo her about 'showing off'? Next time I'd tell him not ask - BTW me and DD are off to the show, you're in charge of toddler until 5, his tea is ready in thw fridge. See you later.

Poor little thing, I hope they got it sorted

As you have said she definitely wanted to do it originally, then it was most likely nerves that changed her mind. For that reason alone I would have strongly encouraged her to go along and give it a go. I have two very sporty boys and we have been through the not wanting to do competitions / finals a couple of times with each boy. We have taught them to identify that it is nerves and they can control them, or at least accept nerves for what they are. We acknowledge the fear and do things anyway, because each time we do stuff it gets a little bit easier for next time.

My boys are older now (12 & 14) and they ask me to enter them for races / galas and it’s much easier, but that has come gradually particularly for one who really felt the pressure of winning lots of races at a young age and then everyone expecting him to win. Despite the boys success we always praise their effort over achievement, as that’s the important bit.

For what it’s worth I completely get your decision to remove devices / screen time as a way to express that if she’s going to let her teammates down, and waste your time and money, then she needs to do something else productive. If either of mine opt to miss evening training sessions, we never force them to go but equally they aren’t allowed tv / phones etc during the time that training would have happened. Plus we go a step further and they know that if they miss more than 2 in a month for any one sport (without a very good reason), then we won’t pay for it the following month). So it’s completely their decision what they do, but once committed we expect them to uphold those commitments and work hard at them. They both opt to do multiple multi-event sports plus a team sport each.

The 'not wanting to show off' combined with her saying she would be ok not going back makes me think someone in the group has made a comment about her and she's now not enjoying being there. Little kids can be just as mean / jealous of their peers as older ones. If your daughter has retreated to herself a bit now perhaps you could gently see if this is the case.

YABU for banning her youtube for not wanting to do the show. Thats a punisment with no connection to her gymnastics. Punisments are bad parenting.

You dont mention anything in terms of encouragement or support to help her overcome any fear she might have had. Not to push her but guide her.

I deal with these kind of situation every time there's a performance, gymnastics or ballet, with my daughter. She actually has become a bit better over time, but when her anxiety kicks in, she really struggles to perform in front of strangers sometimes even us. On the other hand, she is starting to understand that it's really not a big deal, it's a chance to see her friends and have a bit of fun. It takes a lot of patience and I agree, it can be very frustrating, but I realized that addressing the big feelings she might be having works better than punishing her. Try to talk to her and find out what is causing the problem. Little rewards after the presentation might work as encouragement and actually for her to see that it went well and was easier that she anticipated. Good luck

Your partner sounds horrible and I’d be more worried that it is his poor attitude that is rubbing off on your DD.

So yours suggesting that we teach our girls that other people’s feelings are more important than their own?

No. We’ve done that to girls and women for long enough.

As I said before, I wouldn’t just shrug and say “oh fine darling, never mind”, I’d try to get to the bottom of what’s going on. I’d talk to them about what we could try to help them feel better, and how they might feel after. But if the answer is still no, that’s ok.

Equating it to things that are important for the child’s health and wellbeing is ridiculous. You know you’re being disingenuous, but let’s go with your examples.

Gynnastics club is something that’s supposed to be fun so it’s optional. The other competitors will be able to work around it; young children drop out of things like this for lots of different reasons. Eating, sleeping, school - completely different. All necessary and important for different reasons.

What I wouldn’t do is ignore their feelings and force them on regardless. I would first try to establish what’s going on? Reluctant to go to sleep - are they just enjoying playing or are they scared to go to sleep because they’re scared of having nightmares? Or worried about something in the morning? Once you know what the issue is, you can deal with it. They still have to go to sleep but it’s important to listen to what your child is trying to communicate and to address that, not just to force them on blindly.

I have an autistic child with high needs who became a school refuser. Turned out that the school had removed his 1:1 - illegally I may add - and he was struggling to get through the day. They were relying on the fact he couldn’t communicate to tell me. I changed setting and guess what? The school refusing resolved.

Listen to what your kids tell you. And not just the words they’re using, what’s really going on.

If you don’t press children to do something new that might be a bit uncomfortable to them but if it is something that they are capable of
How will they ever know what they can do and what they are capable of

Those that don’t get pushed I think turn into those annoying adults who everyone eventually leaves behind because they need so much attention and looking after because they can’t do basic things for themselves

I don't think you should have punished her. She's probably nervous and needed your support.

I haven’t RTFT but it sounds like a lot of posters are deliberately misunderstanding the op. All this talk of ‘forcing her’ doesn’t really sound like what op is describing. If the dd was aware of the show, excited to be part of it, knew her mum had arranged and paid for a costume etc then the overwhelming likelihood is that she just got cold feet about performing. This is something we need to work through with kids. My ds plays competitive sport and at his first session at a new club nearly wouldn’t get out of the car due to anxiety and nerves about meeting new people, not performing well and so on. I could easily have driven him home but I encouraged him to do it and he has flourished there, one of the best in the group. I often say to him ‘I bet you’re glad you got out of the car now aren’t you.’

I think unless they are really hysterical about it then it’s good to push them out of their comfort zone. She also needs to understand the impact on the rest of the team and the money she’s wasted.

I agree that the punishment maybe wasn’t the right course of action but I can see your logic - you didn’t want her wasting the time she should have been doing something special scrolling YouTube.

It’s a shame it hasn’t worked out this time. Yanbu to feel disappointed. Your dp probably wants her to quit for her own selfish reasons (so he can go to the gym instead of attending dance shows).

My DD always does this and it’s just nerves. Every single thing (holiday club, swimming lessons etc) she says she doesn’t want to go.

All I say is “that’s fine but we need to go and tell them you don’t want to do it ”… Then lo and behold when she gets there and after a little gentle nudging from everyone she gets involved.

Girls need sport and hobbies for their self esteem, especially as they go through teenage years.

I am in the camp that would have made her perform.

You cannot, in life, just opt out every time you wake up and don't feel like doing something. Especially when other people are affected.

I see it becoming more and more of an issue with young adults, and I would be doing my best to not teach my child this was okay.

A guy I work with has this attitude, and its costing him at work. He will pull out the morning of presentations because he's anxious, he will draft in colleagues to take meetings for him because of some fake excuse.

Basically anytime he is asked to something slightly out of his comfort zone he opts out, mostly at the last minute.

His peers are getting promoted while he stays stagnant, then he complains that someone who hasn't been there as long as him got promoted before him.

It sounds to me as though the real issue here is not about your daughter, OP, but about the parenting inequity between you and your partner

Honestly there aren't many adults doing this. It could easily be a sign of neuro diversity, and that can be very real has he a diagnosis? . Children can be quite randomly anxious especially about performance I just don't think an angry/ disapproving adult presentation helps really. Lots of nurture and confidence building in ways she can manage - and sometimes there needs to be acceptance she may not be one of life's natural.performers.
Doesn't your colleague have other strengths? Why are presentations so important?

Absolutely!
That's a bit problem that isn't helping the situation at all. He sounds like a useless deadweight, adding to OPs workload and stress.

As for the daughter, it's too late now regarding this particular show but at her age she needs to understand that if you have committed to something like a show, it's really unfair to drop out at the last minute.
Performance usually is part of dance, so if she doesn't want to do that, she needs to opt out early.so as not to mess other people about. Or consider not being in the class going forward.

This. No way would I let my 8 year old pull out of something she and her class had been working towards. 7 is too young for that level of autonomy. How will she learn to follow through on her commitments?

Absolute tosh.

I think it's such a shame that kids can't just enjoy a club without being made to perform in a show or competition. Can't they just enjoy it for what it is. Once competitions and performances start and parents have to fork out on outfits then isn't fun anymore. If parents are struggling financially then it puts a whole load more pressure on them too.

I still think your husband is causing most of the problems. Your daughter sounds very unsettled. She knows her dad is selfish and avoidant. She knows it’s not right that he won’t look after his own toddler all by himself. He has no right to get home from the gym and voice his opinion that there’s no point going to support her friends. He sounds entitled and it sounds like he governs the atmosphere of the house with his moods, his presence (or lack of). Do you all walk on eggshells?