Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

i would be very upset and tell her that’s the end of this class for her. Why are you wasting your time and money if she just lets everyone down.

After all the practice and paying for the costume etc I think you shouldn't just immediately give in and let her not go. Have you explained to her that it's not 'showing off'? There are plenty of times in life when we have to demonstrate our skills and it's something she'll need to get used to. She also needs to learn that she's part of a team and that you've invested in this - she shouldn't just let others down.

But if you join an activity and part of that is a team performance and you’ve agreed to do it then you can’t just pull out cos you don’t want too and you want to sit at home and watch the tele. That’s not how life works. She can’t just decide tomorrow she doesn’t like doing maths so she’s going to sit out of that lesson, or she doesn’t feel like eating dinner just the ice cream for dessert. As parents it’s part of our role to help children understand about commitments we make

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the number of people saying that a 7 year old should be taught that she does not have the right to say no if she changes her mind. Yes she's made a commitment and yes others are relying on her but she's 7! It sounds from the "showing off" comments as though she doesn't have the confidence to reliably speak up so perhaps she's been hoping this competition would just go away. Because she's 7. By all means have a conversation about things but don't punish her for saying no to something she does not want to do.

Do you let 7 year olds decide what they want to do in all aspects of life?

You know 7 year olds are fickle? Maybe she was nervous and didn’t have the self confidence. It would have been better to get her to at least try. It’s also letting the other kids down who have prepared for the show.
you are not teaching your child anything if they can pull out of everything they have committed to because “they don’t want to”

Why are you with a man who refuses to look after his own child? Surely that's more of an issue and you're focusing on a show?

I have to say the thing that stood out to me is her view that performing is “showing Off”. That’s a view she has got from an adult, so she hasn’t learned the depth of spite and begrudgery that underpins it.

When improvement and progress is belittled as showing off something is seriously amiss.

OP needs to get to the bottom of this "showing off" comment. Why does she think it's showing off? Did someone say that to her, and if so then who? If it's Dad then he needs tearing a new one!!

Can't be arsed to go because he can't be arsed to parent!

It is not showing off, it is showing you what she has learned in her lessons and how far she's come. It may be nerves, you need to big up how proud you are, how you were looking forward to seeing all the things she's learned, but ask her how she would have felt missing it. Would she regret it?

When DD was nervous about a performance we asked that, and when she said yes she would, then we asked her to imagine how she would feel if she overcame the nerves and did it. Asked her to really imagine how proud she would feel of herself, and that did the trick.

Of course not, but teaching young girls that they'll be listened to when they say "no" is quite important too, don't you think?

Of course I do, and I'd be wanting to find out what was actually going on here. If the girl was just going along with it and wasn't really into it, I'd want to make sure that they felt able to say so earlier. If they had nerves about it, that's another conversation. But fundamentally, not listening to - or worse, punishing - girls when they say "no" is really unhealthy.

I would have taken her along, anyway, and supported her in speaking to her gymnastics teacher about her nerves.
I also would not have punished her.
Nor would I have been in a huff.
However, you're sleep deprived, with a toddler and a crappy sounding partner, so I really feel for you. 💚

Its important that all young children feel listened to - but "listened to" isnt the same as obeying their every whim. Encouraging flakiness is never a good thing.

No to going to school?
No to tidying their room?
No to using cutlery?

I agree. And I expect if DD doesn't take part, she may well regret it afterwards when all the others are feeling proud and elated. They will also have gained confidence and experience whereas DD won't have.

Very good point

Yes it does matter, what happens when she does not want to do some thing st school.
She needs to know she cannot get her own way all the time. She does not dictate.
She is old enough to know her Mother has bought a nice costume and paid money for her to do the performance.
I too would have made my child do it.
I am afraid kids need to know its not all about them and sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do.

how about encouraging girls to be confident, resilient and strong and proud of new skills they have learned instead of letting them have the easy route out?

Oh come on 😂

There's a huge difference between using cutlery and being told because a sparkly costume has been bought and money has been spent that she has to go through with something that her gut is telling her she doesn't want to do. Just think about the message that sends. Conversations can follow to get to the bottom of it and prevent issues again, but right now, I'd be ok with the no.

Yes, absolutely, but this child clearly isn't there yet is she?

Look, none of us know this child or what's going on. In this specific instance I would be ok with the no. Others wouldn't, ok.

What makes girls resilient, strong, and confident is knowing that their opinions and feelings matter, and that they’ll be listened to.

Those girls grow up having the confidence to assert their boundaries and not second-guessing themselves constantly.

Sorry I disagree - if you commit to doing something and dropping out impacts on other people, then you honour your commitment.

what about the other children’s feelings? Who have also prepared for the show and are expecting their friends to show up and do it together with them? I guess these days they key thing is teach your children nothing but self centredness and that they get their will in everything.

what should mum do when the child doesn’t feel like going to school or feel like going to sleep?

Your DH is a piece of work.

How DARE he fuck of to the gym, leave you in charge of it all and then come back and veto your decision and what you had arranged with Dd?

And did Dd witness that U turn? What Dad says goes? Over and above what Mum has said?

I also don't understand why she needs to stop gymnastics if she enjoys gymnastics. It's a sport, not a performing art. So why can't she continue going if she wants to?

Your partner sounds like a waste of space.