Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

OMG your partner is a total knob. Won't look after his own toddler on his own. I think that's your biggest problem. I bet if you did as one poster suggested and went to the show on your own (I can see the logic in that because DD might start to think - see what I missed out on) he would just let her watch YouTube the whole time which defeats the object. But I digress ...

We experienced the same with our daughter at her dance school. She rehearsed for a show, turned up in costume and at the very last minute just refused to go on stage. After that she said she would go to lessons but would not be in any shows or do any exams. Tried cajoling, asking why (she wouldn't explain what was bothering her), saying all right no lessons either (but that backfired as she just said ok then). We preferred that she did continue with lessons as she enjoyed it and it helped fill part of the weekend without too much boredom/ screen time. Her teacher agreed and we had 4 years where she wasn't in the show/ didn't take ballet exams. It was actually fine though she would get sulky when the lessons were dress rehearsals as obviously she didn't have a costume and felt left out.

Then suddenly one year she announced actually she wanted to do the show this time. We didn't make a big thing of it, just said ok great but please be sure before we pay for the costume. I think it was something she just had to work through in her own head.

I thought taking your daughter to the show was the best idea as she might have changed her mind plus it could have helped reassure her that it wasn't whatever she feared. Unfortunately your partner has undermined you for his own selfish reasons.

"It takes the whole of life to learn how to live" :)
I'm not sure children (or many adults!) can easily find out what matters to them, but the matter is not about a particular activity, I think it's more about attitudes in life generally. Avoiding a challenge, ducking out of responsibility, letting people around you down can become persistent in everything a person does. Children's leisure activities are just one the ways to develop personality and teach them life skills.

Agree on the punishment and gilt trips.

She knows you’re the only parent who is parenting. She knows you’re knackered from a non-sleeping younger sibling. She’s worried about what would happen if you weren’t available for all the things she needs you for.

this is a messsge to her dad to start showing consistent and engaged attention. You’ve done everything you can.

you are her emotional regulator, her problem solver, her organiser. Her dad’s lack of interest is a problem. Was he planning on attending the show? Is he sometimes critical or disapproving of her?

Perhaps she doesn’t like”showing off” because she struggles with confidence or she’s worried about people’s reactions? (Namely her dad’s lack of reaction or critical reaction?) it would help to know more about him and how unpresent he is.

It’s about the lesson learnt though. Football is a sport played in winter it’s cold and wet if you want to play he has to get over it . Gymnastic is a sport performed in a leotard. If she wants to do it then she can’t just decided an hour before she’s not. They can’t just pick and choose which aspects to do and when! If the child doesn’t want to do it fine but by letting her not go it just teaches her she doesn’t like something she just refuses, cries and gets her way

I didn't see the OP say it was separate individual performances.
When my kids have done shows it has all been group performance and it absolutely does let the other kids down if someone is missing.

Hi OP, just wanted to offer my perspective as a teacher for a Saturday drama school. I teach the teens now but early on in my career taught little ones. In some schools this is 3 years old, and we even did little shows with them - to varying degrees of actual performance! We always kept things very low key and minimal pressure - it was all about having fun at that age. Honestly the wobbles still extend to our oldest kids!

From a teacher’s point of view we totally understand nerves, tears and kids freezing. We are as kind and encouraging as we can be sometimes it just doesn’t work. I am always grateful to parents who are on side and try and encourage their children to take part or stay and watch, or encourage the kids to do the singing, but not the dance, for example. We focus on how good it will feel when you’ve done it, how much fun it will be, how great it will be with our friends - nothing to do with showing off or being a star, etc. Some kids start out fine then run off stage, others have a wobble but go on to do really well. It’s a REALLY hard thing for a child to understand that there is a difference between temporary discomfort and genuine threat and distress.

On a personal level I kind of get the logic of taking away devices - it is safe and comforting to know you don’t have to do the scary things and can just stay at home and watch YouTube - but as PPs have said it doesn’t match up with your intent here.

I would say, ' You don't have to show off. It would just be nice for dad and me to see what you've been doing this term'

Also agree with PP that you should go anyway and cheer on her friends.

Shes 7! She does not want to do so she doesnt do it. Punishing her is ridiculous. Stop sulking because its not what you want, some really ridiculous comments this post about making her do. About the wasted money, none of that matters

Maybe setting boundaries about what she wants to do or doesn't want to do with an audience is part of who she is or wants to be. She absolute can decide which parts she wants to do and when and the only obstruction to that is adults approaching it from an adult perspective.

I reckon he said no need to go because he saw an opportunity to go to the gym, I doubt it was anything to do with what he thought was best for your DD at all. This sounds like a big problem OP and needs to be tackled, he sounds like an absolute pain.

It’s done now but I agree with PPs who said that, in general, the best approach is that they still need to turn up even if just to support their teammates. That seems like a healthy middle ground between forcing them to do something they don’t want to do and letting them opt out altogether at the last minute.

We used to do something similar with my DS and birthday parties as he’d get very nervous before the party (even if he had been excited beforehand). We’d just say well, you said you would go so it’s not fair on birthday child to just not turn up, we need to go and give them the present and you can stand with me if you don’t want to join in. Invariably, he’d be hurling himself around the soft play/bouncy castle once he saw all his friends.

I think you were sensible to say no devices/youtube. If she’s very into screentime, she’s not going to want to go and do anything if the alternative is staying home on a screen. I don’t see how that’s a punishment or taking anything away because the original plan was to go to the performance so she wouldn’t have been watching YouTube at that time in any event.

One of my daughters hated performing when she was younger. She took classes in performing arts, singing and dance as they were her interests but I always checked with the teachers before she signed up that it was OK for her to skip the shows. She didn't participate in any shows for years and then one day she decided to try a show out and now she loves performing. I'm glad I didn't push her but kept giving her the opportunity.

Parenting a very hard when one person is trying to do the job the best they can while the other is trying to do it in the way they causes them the least hassle.
You had a great plan that dealt with this situation in the best possible way, leaving the door open for DD to continue this activity. And your partner sabotaged it to get out of minding his youngest child.

I also think there is a huge between "not listening" to a child and letting them do whatever they want.

My son is 1y older than the OP's girl. Last year his school was doing a Christmas carol concert in the local abbey. At first he was up for it, but as it approached, he became increasingly nervous and started saying he didn't want to do it.

I did listen to him. I asked him about his feelings. I asked him if they were in his body, like butterflies in the tummy, or his mind. I asked what he thought his friends felt. I also talked about how I had felt nervous in the past, how it was normal and happened to everyone, and how it was just a feeling and not a sign he couldn't perform well.

But we didn't say he could just quit.

We told him, our family's values are trying our best and not giving up. That meant, he had to practise his little song once every day. On the day, he needed to put on his costume and walk with the other children without a fuss. When he was there, we had prewarned his teacher, and he could see if he felt he could be brave and get up with his friends, or if he couldn't, he had to be part of the team anyhow, by wishing his friends good luck, helping with any little jobs like handing out music sheets or stacking chairs, and then listening nicely to his friends and clapping for them.

If he made a fuss, there would be a consequence. If he just went and helped, no problem. If he went and performed, he would get a small prize like a sticker book that he wanted.

It was his choice.

He did it and was very proud of himself and told anyone who would listen how brave he had been. I really hope he always remembers it and how he got over his nerves.

You posted a horrible thing about someone else's child. Stop trying to make it her fault.

So a child wakes up & states I hate school & Im not going back. According to this post thats ok. She's 7 & should stay in bed,after all thats her choice & what she wants. Ridiculous concept.

Completely incomparable. The gymnastics is supposed to be a fun hobby.

I appreciate that the OP’s situation is done and dusted for today, but I do think there’s a balance to be struck.

Children have big feelings and they can’t always untangle them. I think trying to understand what’s at the root of the change of heart is a good idea. But to do that your child needs to trust that you’re not going to get angry. For example, it might be walking out at the start in front of everyone that’s the issue or a particular move. If it’s just nerves you could do some relaxing breathing exercises, and then ask her if she wants to put on her costume and see how she feels.

A child might just need support navigating unfamiliar feelings.

But if they’re really certain they don’t want to go ahead - and you’ve talked through how they might feel after if they don’t - then I think it’s fine to accept they don’t feel as if they can do it. And that’s ok.

I don’t really ascribe to the view that pushing through unpleasant feelings builds “resilience” 🙄 I really hate that word. It’s generally used as a way of getting a child (or adult) to agree to do something they find deeply unpleasant.

As an adult I’ll do something if the reward is great enough. I hate public speaking but if I had to do this to get a job I really wanted I’d push through it. Otherwise, no thanks. I’m not going to spend my life doing things that make me nervous and feel unpleasant solely because society has this weird notion that “it’s good for you”.

Children don’t need to have agency in every area otherwise we’d be dishing up Haribo for tea! But I do think forcing them to do something that is supposed to be “fun” can be counterproductive in the long run.

It really isn't. Its about the idea of it being acceptable to give a 7 year old autonomy regarding everything they do. Sometimes parents actually do know best.

Yes, I also find this bizarre. That's probably why schools are struggling, parents seem to be encouraging things like "she absolute can decide which parts she wants to do and when". So if a child doesn't want to do their tasks in class, it's fine apparently 🤯

Your daughter has participated in lessons and is prepared for the show.
She is letting herself and her gym friends down by quitting due to feeling nervous.
I would not let her pull out; she needs to finish what she agreed to do. She will build confidence and reward herself with a tremendous feeling of achievement - earnt by her own courage. That is resilience.
There is a time to quit. It is at the end of the year.
If she wants to continue gymnastics (her choice) she will develop more skills each year. One of those skills is team performance.

Absolutely,especially given many children nowadays would gladly give everything extra-curricular up for extra screen time.

You have a much bigger issue in your partner than your child

I used to do karate and tap/modern/ballet dancing. I would be soooo anxious before shows/grading/competitions. I suffer bad with anxiety now too. But my mum absolutely wouldn't let me pull out after buying the outfits. Many times she would tell me I'll feel better when I get there, and I always felt so proud after. We would go, I'd see all my friends and I'd be getting ready to join in. If this happens a lot maybe find a different sport without this sort of pressure.

But Simone Biles didn't sit out of the Olympics because she wasn't feeling it! She experienced a recognised and potentially dangerous condition called the twisties, which I don't think OPs daughter is suffering from. Personally at 7 I don't think a child is too young to understand about letting team mates down, wasting time and money and sometimes doing what you don't want to. If she was sick, extremely anxious etc, that would be different but 'I don't want to do it because I don't want to show off' especially when it's said at the last minute.

Your DH sounds like a prince-not! Out at the gym leaving you alone then being an unsupportive partner because he doesn’t want to look after one of his own children so that the other one could learn a life lesson about not letting others down. He’s a prick