Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Women opt out of going to many places alone because of sleazy men.
I've traveled alone on business many times and was often bothered by creepy men in restaurants just because I was on my own.
They're predatory men.
A normal guy would not approach a lone woman in a restaurant because they know it's not appropriate and unsettling.

Now to be fair, I do agree with you here. A restaurant is not a place people tend to go to mix with others outside of the table they're sitting at.

So fair comment.

I would be scared to be a man nowadays, rather than a woman.
I would keep my head down, not make eye contact and not utter a word to anyone.

On a hot day I sometimes think I might pop in that pub and sit in the garden, or just go in for a sandwich and drink. But I never do. Because I worry that I will either get talked about by the clientele or get bothered. I can’t be the only one. That is the only reason women don’t solo drink in pubs.

I am going to change that. I am going to make a point of going into one.

Why?

Don't give it a second thought. You didn't want his company and that's totally up to you.

I would be scared to be a man nowadays, rather than a woman.
I would keep my head down, not make eye contact and not utter a word to anyone.

you mean just like a lot of women do to avoid unwanted male attention?

What would you be scared of as a man? Being arrested for talking to a woman in a pub? Let me set your mind at ease. it isn't going to happen. Do you think the man who talked to OP was scared when she didn't engage?? seriously?

If you were a man you should probably be scared of violence from other men. Same fear women have.

The only thing men have to be scared of is being held accountable for their actions.

Don’t interrupt people when they’re watching telly then. This chap didn’t try interrupting the other men watching the rugby (wouldn’t dare more like).

Why? nothing happened to this bloke in the OP's story did it? he wasnt beaten up, he wasnt verbally or sexually abused, he wasnt raped, he wasnt murdered. Women, on the other hand, regularly have these things done to them at the hands of men and sometimes because they dare to turn a man down in a bar on a night out.

If you are more scared of some comments on an internet forum than being raped or murdered then your faux "fear" is clearly misplaced and deeply ridiculous isnt it?

If you were a man you should probably be scared of violence from other men

Indeed- men should be most scared of other men. Its men that commit most acts of violence and murder

Tbf if they could all do that it would be great thanks.
They. Just. Keep. Breathing.

Right? It’d be delightful if they could just keep themselves to themselves but to claim they should be scared of being told no is a little galling!

Balderdash.
It's not about avoiding eye contact - it's about male entitlement.
The kind that makes some men think they are entitled to approach a complete stranger in a restaurant because she is a woman on her own.
Most men don't do this because they know it is inappropriate, unwelcome and unsettling.

I'd have to have been there to know how to react. If he was just trying to chat then it's far more reasonable to say what I said above. If he was being leery and weird then yes maybe a fuck off would be better. Depends on the context....

Love this! :)

I'm going to do it too, for the younger ones!

None of those things happened to the OP either.
The man sounds like an absolute creep and i'm sorry the OP felt like she did.
I do go to pubs / beer gardens alone and take a good book to read and have a beer or a glass of wine. I've previously had men approach me and just told them to go away. It's not nice if you have to be more assertive than that admittedly.
The OP could have also spoken to the bar staff because she felt uncomfortable.
Bar staff are trained in a service called 'Ask For Angela'. Which is a good scheme.

"Oh you look familiar" sounds like an opening chat-up line, too. To be followed up with flattery like "You remind me of Marilyn Monroe" or some such.

Yes, I agree. So then I am not sure why you posted that you would be "afraid to be a man" and would have to avoid eye contact etc? Women face harassment and potential violence at the hands of men far more than the other way around so why would you be afraid to be male? Men are the aggressors here, not women.

Noone is saying he should have avoided eye contact and kept his head down, we merely said, he should have immediately backed off when OP blanked him and made it clear she didnt want to talk. Also, that women are entitled to go to a pub on their own without being approached by men trying it on.

Women know the difference between friendly and lecherous.

Eye contact and a nod or greeting (all right me duck in my area) or "the bitter is rank today" while standing at the bar is very different to the unwanted attention. OP and others (including myself) have received.

As a PP stated many women do not go to pubs purely because they don't want to run the risk of being hassled. I also agree that Wetherspoons seem to be more appealing to a lone woman.

If only more men really did take this approach then perhaps we wouldn't be in the pickle we're in. And we're in one, make no mistake. Few women can't tell a story of unwanted male behaviour when we're simply exercising our right - surely one of the most basic rights there is - of going about our business in peace.

But the female social conditioning seeps through the above post in so many ways that it's very obvious its author is a woman.

I would be scared to be a man nowadays, rather than a woman.
I would keep my head down, not make eye contact and not utter a word to anyone.

If you didn't get angry** and persistent when you opened the gambit, then someone said they weren't up for engaging, and instead you thought about what was a respectful reaction and went with 'Ok, no worries, enjoy your drink', then I don't think you would have too much to fear.

Are all of them though trained?

Plus, why should OP have to?

The man should have simply buggered off.

No one should have to escalate into getting bar staff when people could just leave others alone especially when they have shown and said they do not want to be bothered.

Heck, men don’t typically sit next to other men and expect a chat, they somehow are capable of leaving them alone, but many men seem to think women are entitled to give them attention when the woman obviously isn’t interested.

Women seem to not be able to win when it comes to such things:

Be polite - Should have been more rude/assertive

Be rude - Didn’t have to be so mean about it (insert excuses)

Ignore - Should have told him you didn’t want to be bothered or it’s just a bit of chat, why go to a pub/public place then..

This is rarely expected of men. While women have to worry if a man will come after them later or try to follow them if the man doesn’t like it and women have been assaulted or even killed because a man couldn’t accept a simple no. Few men have had to worry about this from turning down a woman, yet men are way more likely to be assaulted by another man.

I have been approached by men and thankfully many have been lovely, accepted my answer, wished me a nice day, and walked away but some.. ugh.. want to turn it into a debate/interrogation as if I owe them conversation when I just want to sit peacefully in a garden, park, and enjoy nature and/or read a book.

He put his jacket on your chair? That seems like very domineering behaviour… Like he was laying claim to you!
I find it so strange that women can’t go out alone and be left alone, it’s always assumed you’d want company or that you’re waiting for someone to join you.
I always get approached by people.. my DD says I attract weirdos… I do chat awkwardly to them though because I worry about being rude. But if they ask personal questions I’m vague or lie, then awkwardly make my excuses and leave … which is wrong and I shouldn’t have to!!
The fact everyone else was watching suggests to me that he’s known locally for being a bit ‘off’.
i can’t get ost the coat on your chair… that’s such strange behaviour and u did good setting boundaries.

Exactly - women cant win here at all because however they react to it, someone will criticise and pick them apart for it.

I've made friendly conversation with men before and they've taken it to mean I want to shag them (I didnt). So, thats wrong. But when you tell them you dont want to talk at all you then get accused of being rude or being cruel to someone who might be lonely and "just wants to chat".

I mean, FFS, women cant do anything right in this scenario can they?!

How about for a change the men consider their actions and why they might be making so many women feel uncomfortable? I have managed to live my entire life so far without trying to force a random stranger to talk to me who clearly didnt want to - its really not very difficult at all, I do it every damn day so why cant men? 😡