Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Would YOU go up to a bloke at the pub who is intently watching a game and keep asking him questions after he's ignored your first question?

No, you wouldn't because you'd think, "Oh he's really focused on the game, now is not the time for a chat." And then you'd go do your own thing.

Why didn't this guy do this? Because he didn't think OP's interest in the game mattered. Because he felt justified breaking into her concentration to centralise himself.

Totally this! The last 10 minutes of a match that someone was obviously engrossed in?

I can think of a kind of comparison as to 'what would be different if it was 2 men?' My DH is mad about cricket and we had been driving while listening on the radio to the England-India match where the team were dropping players and then one of them broke his hand but still came in to bowl. We went into a cafe for food and a guy was watching the match on his phone. DH did make a beeline for him and asked if he could also watch the end. They did, but they were both quiet and...focussed on the game. Not at all up for distraction or pleasantries. Said thanks afterwards, 3 sentences about the game, left man alone. That's it.

Surely it's quicker, easier and less awkward to just tell him straight away?

The op can act however she feels most comfortable when dealing with unwanted attention.

I partly agree- in an ideal world. However, I sympathise with the OP because on the many occasions I have told a man politely that I did not wish to talk to him, after he approached me uninvited, I have had a barrage of angry insults thrown at me. These delightful comments include: "stuck up bitch", "you must be a lesbian", "stupid old cow", "who do you think you are" etc etc

In fact, if I had a quid for every time this happened I could retire now. My experience and many others on this thread has shown that often, men dont take kindly to being told no and they react in angry and unpredictable ways. Therefore, based on that prior experience its completely understandable that women might feel momentarily thrown and not know what to say in the moment that isnt going to inflame the situation further.

If men would not act like this then perhaps women would feel safe enough to be honest with them straight away eh?

If this comment is in reply to mine, I just meant that telling the old guy to go away from the start might have been easier.
It sounds like the pub was busy, what is the worst he could have done to her? I take on board that he made the OP feel uncomfortable which is definitely nok ok.
I don't want to goad anyone, that's not why I'm on here.
I've been in the OP's situation (albeit when I was younger) and politely told the guy to leave me alone. He didn't so I told him in not such a polite way.
I take your point that it's not a pleasant situation to be in though

I'm staggered that a poster is trying to make out that a bloke in his 70s approaching a woman of 34 isn't unpleasant and inappropriate.

No one in their early thirties wants some intrusive old fart badgering them. A 35-40 year age gap is revolting.

You've really gone full reductio ad absurdum here.
We are not talking about 50-year-old men letching after 14-year-old girls. Something we can all agree is disgusting.

We're talking about a fully grown adult 34-year-old woman being chatted up by an older man.

Nobody in their right mind would think the two are the same.

Older man tries to chat up younger yet fully mature woman who rebuffs him and he leaves her alone.

(I probably shouldn't have said that-somebody will come along and tell me 34-year-old women's brains aren't fully developed - or something.)

I don't know why this reminded me of the 'Society for the Suppression of Unladylike Conduct' but it raised a smile!

But hell, yes. Mumsnet is a hotbed of misogyny, sadly.

"Women usually unwind by talking to other people. Even if all men were respectful, they still wouldn't go alone."

I assure you, I like to unwind without talking to anyone. I am an introvert who also sometimes likes people around her. A quiet drink in a convivial place, watching sport, enjoying the chatter and bonhomie around me - that's perfect. Men do it all the time: how many men do you see in the pub sitting having a quiet one? I see them all the time. And no one bothers them. ESPECIALLY if they are clearly intently watching a game.

You don't see women having a quiet one because they're constantly being fucking bothered by men.

It's atrocious how you're stereotyping women. It tracks with your assertion, "also I firmly believe that women can't be friends". You have a bad case of internalised misogyny. Internalised misogyny is almost as harmful to women as the misogyny women have to endure from men.

They don't like it up 'em Pike!

The man was a good old-fashioned pig-ignorant moron.

No not internalised misogyny, just observation.
I went to the pub with dh this afternoon.
There were about twenty people in there.
A few groups of men, a few groups of women, a couple of mixed sex groups.
Four men sitting alone.
Not one female sitting alone.
This was over the course of 2 hours.

I maintain that, generally speaking, women do not go to pubs to sit alone.

If you wish to label misogyny, fine your choice. I call it realism.

I should add that this is not a rough pub at all. It's in quite a cosmopolitan area.

Just because a few women go to pubs alone, does not mean the majority do.

And on and on...

@QuintadosMalvados

"I maintain that, generally speaking, women do not go to pubs to sit alone."

You are labouring under a logical fallacy: "all women go to pubs in groups" does not mean "all women don't want to go to pubs alone".

Like: French people love cheese; John loves cheese; therefore, John is French.

I've finally noted that your name contains malvados, which means mean-spirited. Thanks for playing, you've shown very clearly all women who have read here what internalised misogyny looks like: mean-spirited.

How many 70 year old woman chat up 34 year old men in the pub?
They're as rare as hen's teeth.
He's a DOM - dirty old man.

I am referring to your ridiculous comment that "men dont chat up women who they dont think will give them a chance"

That is a completely untrue statement and I have illustrated it by pointing out I was sleazed over at age 14 by men who knew darned well they "didnt have a chance" with me. What a ridiculous statement you made there!!

I note you havent referred to the rest of my point though. I wonder what excuse you'll make for this creep next!

It's atrocious how you're stereotyping women. It tracks with your assertion, "also I firmly believe that women can't be friends". You have a bad case of internalised misogyny. Internalised misogyny is almost as harmful to women as the misogyny women have to endure from men

Yes, it's really quite disturbing. The misogyny is off the scale

Well he left and removed his coat which is what everyone wanted.

Yes, but not graciously and not politely. Hence the point!

@YourFirmCoralBiscuit did the OP say "enjoy your evening"? then why should the guy? Maybe he was just matching her energy.

The pub I refer to has a very, very good reputation for not tolerating any misogyny. It's a very politically correct place.
Indeed it is very near a Russell Group university.
Yet not one single female drinking alone. Not one.

N. B. To be frank, I had no idea what 'Malvados' meant: my dh loves port - as do I- and there was a bottle on the table when I picked my username.

It seems a bit weird that you've 'noted' this but then with the level of what I perceive to be largely misplaced paranoia generally displayed on this thread that men are just lecherous pigs and we can't go outside without being accosted by them to the extent we can't ever go for a drink alone, I'm not surprised.