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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

186 replies

lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 15:40

My dad is dying - under palliative team and on morphine. This has been fairly unexpected but he is mid 70s and a heavy drinker and smoker, so not a complete shock at this point that this is happening. He has no specific diagnosis, such as cancer or heart issues, just a number of things have finally caught up with him I suppose.

I am low contact with both parents, especially him, and see them 2-3 times a year for a brief visit. I speak to my mum weekly but never my dad. I think they are dysfunctional and my mum has covered up or played down a lot of health and other issues over the years, but I haven't exactly pushed for info so can't blame her. I do think she's co-dependent.

I was tearful when the hospital rang me (think my mum had asked them to) but I'm at peace with what is happening now and, if I'm honest, relieved it isn't my mum going first. The thing is, I live a 3 hour drive away from them and have a teen at home - with their dad now but should be back with me tomorrow. I also have pets at home - teen has been back to the house to feed them this weekend (I came down yesterday) but if teen stays at dad's if I stay here after tomorrow it will be a pita for them to be going back and fore to mine while also going to college - no buses go those ways and teen is 16 (doesn't have a bike). Could stay at mine but think dad would question it as he knows what's happened - would be odd teen choosing to stay at mine when I'm not there.

Then there is the fact that I can't cope with my mum's house. It's filthy and stinks of smoke even though she doesn't some and my dad has been in hospital 3 weeks. God knows where I would sleep - it's 3 beds but I just don't want to get into any of them! And I really don't want to shower there either. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's how it was growing up too and is one of the reasons I'm low contact. At the moment dad isn't in a private room so I couldn't stay in the hospital all night anyway, but, despite not really wanting to be there at the moment of his death, I actually think I would prefer to be there than at the house. But he's on the ward and they say he's a priority to move but obviously can't say when a room will be available.

Then another thing is my mum is not even at the hospital for more than a couple of hours a day. It's a bit odd really. I'm here on my own with my dad when my mum is actually close to him and I'm not. I'm not even sure why I am here - we weren't close and he's not conscious - did seem to acknowledge when I arrived yesterday, which I'm glad about, but they then upped the morphine and he's been out of it since. I'm not sure why I'm here but I can't just go home and pretend it's not happening. I had pretty much decided if he gets into a private room I will stay there, hoping (that sounds wrong and I really don't mean to be crass) that it won't be much past the weekend. I know I will have to stay with my mum a night or two afterwards, which I am dreading...

If he's not in a private room within a couple of hours then I am going home and will plan to come back by tomorrow lunchtime, but that will mean he'll be alone until around 10.30am, which is when my mum comes. If he passes between those times he will do so alone. Is that awful?

OP posts:
Unfenced · 07/03/2026 15:43

Your choice, OP. You sound quite clear-headed about it all. You don't need to provide reasons. Do what works for you.

AmandaBrotzman · 07/03/2026 15:43

He's unconscious? You have said goodbye to him. Your mum should be there waiting for his last moments TBH and if she chooses not to that's not your responsibility. I would go home and if he is still around next weekend then come and visit again.
After he goes, you can stay in a travelodge or Airbnb near your mum. You don't have to stay in her house.

BlueMum16 · 07/03/2026 15:46

AmandaBrotzman · 07/03/2026 15:43

He's unconscious? You have said goodbye to him. Your mum should be there waiting for his last moments TBH and if she chooses not to that's not your responsibility. I would go home and if he is still around next weekend then come and visit again.
After he goes, you can stay in a travelodge or Airbnb near your mum. You don't have to stay in her house.

I agree with this.

Figrollandgin · 07/03/2026 15:48

edited to add I’ve cross posts with people saying it better than I could have!

i feel like you have already done enough, you have said goodbye and he’s not conscious. This is on your mum to fill the gaps and not you. I have a similar feeling about staying at my mums house and always get a cheap hotel nearby. Can you do that instead of staying with her afterwards?

tartyflette · 07/03/2026 15:48

Given the state of your parental home YANBU to want to stay there.
Is there a Travelodge or something similar reasonably close by?.

It sounds as if as if that would be far more comfortable for you and ypu could come and go as necessary, or as you prefer.

LilyBunch25 · 07/03/2026 15:48

OP you must do what you feel you need to do. I had extremely difficult ends with both my parents, Mum 10 years ago today, Dad 1 year ago tomorrow. Both my parents had been incredibly difficult to care for, my Dad towards the end was incredibly manipulative and I neared a nervous breakdown in Jan 2025. If you feel you have said goodbye, that is fine. Don't stay anywhere you don't have to either. I had absolutely no option but to stay in my Dads house for 2 weeks from the day he died and it traumatised me. All if this is a very personal journey. My heart goes out to you.

Swiftie1878 · 07/03/2026 15:51

BlueMum16 · 07/03/2026 15:46

I agree with this.

Show quote history

Same.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 15:52

I just feel bad thinking he would be just alone on the ward, but he will have to be anyway if no room becomes available and part of me thinks he would be fine with it. Not at all sure he'd sit with me if I was in that position, or even my mum. She has told me they're both not having a funeral which I suppose says a lot about how they view relationships.

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 07/03/2026 15:56

Your mum should be there waiting for his last moments

No, there is no should about any of this.

Everyone has to find their own path, OP be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you.

I would book a hotel if you have to stay after, it doesn't sound healthy you staying over night at your parents house, for body or mind.

TeaDrinkings · 07/03/2026 15:58

I have been with four elderly people in their last days. Two grandparents, MIL and FIL. All four were unconscious on morphine. They ALL passed in the early hours when they were alone. Even if you wanted to be there, the chances are it would happen when you aren't. You can't be there 24/7. The situation could go on for days or even weeks.

You have to do what's right for you. You will certainly have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about if you're not around when it happens. You have your life to lead. ❤️

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 07/03/2026 16:02

Not awful, no. He's not conscious or barely conscious, so he won't even know whether you are there or not most of the time. You've been, you've seen him, mentally said your goodbyes. Done your duty. Just go home and do what you need to do. No point in sitting with him if you don't feel any genuine desire to be with him until the very end.

GoBazGo · 07/03/2026 16:07

I understand you don’t know what to do with yourself.
eg Monday- got to work, colleague asks “how are you/good weekend?”
Agree with others, look after yourself and be prepared with stock replies to stop any enquiries/follow on questions- not everyone needs to know the complexities of your situation, however well meaning they are.

AmandaBrotzman · 07/03/2026 16:12

TeaDrinkings · 07/03/2026 15:58

I have been with four elderly people in their last days. Two grandparents, MIL and FIL. All four were unconscious on morphine. They ALL passed in the early hours when they were alone. Even if you wanted to be there, the chances are it would happen when you aren't. You can't be there 24/7. The situation could go on for days or even weeks.

You have to do what's right for you. You will certainly have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about if you're not around when it happens. You have your life to lead. ❤️

I sat with my mum all day when she was dying. She didn't die until we had all left. My dad and brother were still in the hospital, I was in the car park with DS and other family members. Dad and bro returned to be with her just in time but it wasn't for her, it was for them. She was dying but I swear she knew somehow that we were all there with her and it stopped her from going. I know that sounds woo but I do believe it.

Ohpleeeease · 07/03/2026 16:12

TeaDrinkings · 07/03/2026 15:58

I have been with four elderly people in their last days. Two grandparents, MIL and FIL. All four were unconscious on morphine. They ALL passed in the early hours when they were alone. Even if you wanted to be there, the chances are it would happen when you aren't. You can't be there 24/7. The situation could go on for days or even weeks.

You have to do what's right for you. You will certainly have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about if you're not around when it happens. You have your life to lead. ❤️

I agree. I sat with both of my parents for hours and hours but they both died in the minutes I was away from their bedside. If he’s unconscious he will be unaware of who is there. When people reach the point of death I don’t believe they know or care they are alone. I think it’s the living who feel it.

TartanMammy · 07/03/2026 16:15

Don't feel guilty, you're not obliged to sit there for hours on end. You've said your goodbyes and that's okay, you've done more than you need to.

Don't stay in their house, it won't help you or them.

He is unlikely to be alone in his final moments, we were called to MIL at short notice and there was a nurse with her holding her hand until we arrived.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 16:15

It's funny someone mentioned work - that has been on my mind too. I rang my boss in tears after the phone call on Thursday night and have received a couple of lovely messages from colleagues. Obviously people I don't know all that well who just assume I have a 'normal' relationship with my parents. I know time off will be no problem next week and we get two weeks for bereavement, which I will only need a part of in terms of supporting my mum.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 07/03/2026 16:18

Sympathy, OP. It's a very difficult time. Flowers Any chance you could work remotely? It might be a distraction apart from anything else.

GoBazGo · 07/03/2026 16:18

lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 16:15

It's funny someone mentioned work - that has been on my mind too. I rang my boss in tears after the phone call on Thursday night and have received a couple of lovely messages from colleagues. Obviously people I don't know all that well who just assume I have a 'normal' relationship with my parents. I know time off will be no problem next week and we get two weeks for bereavement, which I will only need a part of in terms of supporting my mum.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

“My Dad is still very unwell and still in hospital”.
Change subject.
But take the time off- complex grief is very hard to express to people who aren’t familiar with it or know about your own history with family. Look after yourself x

Figrollandgin · 07/03/2026 16:19

Maybe say your mum wants to be with him after you took the weekend shift of keeping him Company, and you would rather be distracted by work than sit alone at home?

Ducksurprise · 07/03/2026 16:22

'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.'

But that isn't it, dying can take time, he might not go this week or next, or he might go today. Tell them your mum is with him and you needed to get back for your DC, that is perfectly understandable, or tell them nothing. Don't worry about what others may or may not be thinking

LilyBunch25 · 07/03/2026 16:24

lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 16:15

It's funny someone mentioned work - that has been on my mind too. I rang my boss in tears after the phone call on Thursday night and have received a couple of lovely messages from colleagues. Obviously people I don't know all that well who just assume I have a 'normal' relationship with my parents. I know time off will be no problem next week and we get two weeks for bereavement, which I will only need a part of in terms of supporting my mum.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

You need what you need OP. Your employer will understand. I took a week off in Jan 25 purely because my Dad was impacting my MH to such a degree I could not function. I then needed time off when he died in the March. This is as I said a totally personal and individual journey xx

Strangerthanfictions · 07/03/2026 16:25

lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 16:15

It's funny someone mentioned work - that has been on my mind too. I rang my boss in tears after the phone call on Thursday night and have received a couple of lovely messages from colleagues. Obviously people I don't know all that well who just assume I have a 'normal' relationship with my parents. I know time off will be no problem next week and we get two weeks for bereavement, which I will only need a part of in terms of supporting my mum.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

You can say whatever works for you, he's stabilised a bit and they've said it could go on for a while so I've no choice but to return to normal and wait for news, other members of the family who live nearby are taking care of visiting. Just because people are out parents doesn't mean we owe them things we don't want to give, it sounds like you had a lot of unmet needs as a young person, they chose to take on the role of parents and let you down, you don't have to meet any of their needs now, pay attention to what makes this better for you, will it be an easier outcome for you if you stay with him and feel peace or do you not need that? If not, make your peace your own way and respect your own needs

Original poster
lurchersforever · 07/03/2026 16:26

he might not go this week or next,

Oh gosh, surely it can't be weeks? He isn't having food of any kind. All he is on is morphine and oxygen. He has a chest infection but they have stopped the antibiotic drip as the doctor explained they can do more harm than good.

OP posts:
Pokko · 07/03/2026 16:30

OP, I feel for you.
You have probably been low key grieving for years for the relationship and tough upbringing.

I don't think you owe either of your parents zny support to be honest after what you have written.

I certainly wouldn't be inconveniencing your child for them.

Head off home. You'll hear the news and decide if you will visit at some point in the future.

I certainly wouldn't dream of staying in such a house.

Switcher · 07/03/2026 16:31

Only you can know what's best for you, but it can be hard to know. I very much wanted to sit with my father when he died, and was dissuaded by my stupid stepmother. Admittedly the state of him was horrific, but I still deeply regret not telling her to fuck off. I never saw him again after an uneventful afternoon in Waterstones.