To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

[lurchersforever]

My dad is dying - under palliative team and on morphine. This has been fairly unexpected but he is mid 70s and a heavy drinker and smoker, so not a complete shock at this point that this is happening. He has no specific diagnosis, such as cancer or heart issues, just a number of things have finally caught up with him I suppose.

I am low contact with both parents, especially him, and see them 2-3 times a year for a brief visit. I speak to my mum weekly but never my dad. I think they are dysfunctional and my mum has covered up or played down a lot of health and other issues over the years, but I haven't exactly pushed for info so can't blame her. I do think she's co-dependent.

I was tearful when the hospital rang me (think my mum had asked them to) but I'm at peace with what is happening now and, if I'm honest, relieved it isn't my mum going first. The thing is, I live a 3 hour drive away from them and have a teen at home - with their dad now but should be back with me tomorrow. I also have pets at home - teen has been back to the house to feed them this weekend (I came down yesterday) but if teen stays at dad's if I stay here after tomorrow it will be a pita for them to be going back and fore to mine while also going to college - no buses go those ways and teen is 16 (doesn't have a bike). Could stay at mine but think dad would question it as he knows what's happened - would be odd teen choosing to stay at mine when I'm not there.

Then there is the fact that I can't cope with my mum's house. It's filthy and stinks of smoke even though she doesn't some and my dad has been in hospital 3 weeks. God knows where I would sleep - it's 3 beds but I just don't want to get into any of them! And I really don't want to shower there either. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's how it was growing up too and is one of the reasons I'm low contact. At the moment dad isn't in a private room so I couldn't stay in the hospital all night anyway, but, despite not really wanting to be there at the moment of his death, I actually think I would prefer to be there than at the house. But he's on the ward and they say he's a priority to move but obviously can't say when a room will be available.

Then another thing is my mum is not even at the hospital for more than a couple of hours a day. It's a bit odd really. I'm here on my own with my dad when my mum is actually close to him and I'm not. I'm not even sure why I am here - we weren't close and he's not conscious - did seem to acknowledge when I arrived yesterday, which I'm glad about, but they then upped the morphine and he's been out of it since. I'm not sure why I'm here but I can't just go home and pretend it's not happening. I had pretty much decided if he gets into a private room I will stay there, hoping (that sounds wrong and I really don't mean to be crass) that it won't be much past the weekend. I know I will have to stay with my mum a night or two afterwards, which I am dreading...

If he's not in a private room within a couple of hours then I am going home and will plan to come back by tomorrow lunchtime, but that will mean he'll be alone until around 10.30am, which is when my mum comes. If he passes between those times he will do so alone. Is that awful?

He won't be alone the nurses will be around checking him every so often. I would go home and come back when they say he is approaching death and your mum calls you.

If you are able and want to go into work on Monday you explain dad is still poorly, mum is with him and you need the distraction of work and will be visiting again in a few days.

Do what is right for you.

The only thing you can ask yourself is whether you would regret not being there. And tbh only you can truly answer that

I was there with my mum, but she was my world. And I can hand on heart say it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. If you don’t have the best relationship with him then you might want to consider whether being there would be a positive - it might, it might not

I have been at one relatives death I will avoid all others as much as possible. It was horrific gasping for breath terrified eyes wide open, remained terrified wide open on death. All this slipped away peacefully is not the case in every situation. Horrific absolutely horrific and not repeating.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

You don’t need to justify yourself but if you want to explain……”they’ve told us he could go at any time, or he might last another month. My mum or the nurses will call me if he deteriorates”.

By the way, I wouldn’t call visiting 2-3 times a year plus weekly phone calls ‘low contact’.

Lots of people report that their relatives waited to be alone before finally dying. It’s really common, like they want privacy to do it.

DF passed overnight, a bit quicker than expected as the doctors said there was nothing they could do but he had a few days - I think he just decided that was that and went. He’d only been in hospital 24 hours and I think he didn’t want to be there any longer than necessary, he hated hospital stays. 6 hours before he went he was sitting up in bed with a mug of tea issuing instructions to me on looking after mum. The ward tried to ring us but we missed the calls - a nurse sat with him and said it was very peaceful and that gave us a lot of comfort.

it obviously depends on the hospital and ward but I get the impression that dying patients are monitored frequently by staff even if they can’t spare someone to sit with them all the time. There’s no right or wrong in this situation, no one is going to judge you. Do what you feel is best - you will need to pace yourself for the coming weeks.

Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. My only concern is that you have lined up a lot of reasons for not going over as if you're trying to convince yourself you are doing the right thing. Whatever you decide be happy and confident with that decision, please don't have any regrets after, not going is ok, be kind to yourself.

I sat with my mum when on palliative care and she knew I was there holding her hand and she wasn’t alone, I accept your circumstances are different , it’s your choice and as long as you know you won’t regret it then you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

I don't think that there is any way that someone in this situationcan be happy and confident in a decision in theses circs. I think the best option to hope for is to feel at peace with it.

Is this kind, helpful or true?

You find your own path - I loved my father dearly and spent a lot of time with him in the months when he suddenly fell ill. On the night he passed away - I had left the hospital to go home and sleep an hour beforehand even though i knew he was likely to pass as he had had his final goodbyes and was no longer conscious or going to be. I've never felt regret for that. Similar happened with my grandfather (his father) - I was the only one with my father supporting him at the time and I took him for a walk whilst my grandfather passed rather than have him wait by his bed for that last breathe. I personally found it excruciating sitting there waiting for it and couldn't see the value for them in either case.

OP, do what is right for you. Not your mum, not your dad, not for what 'work will think' - for you.

Only you had your childhood. Only you have grown up in the shadow of that and only you understand how you feel. If you don't want to be there, and don't think you will beat yourself up about it in the future, you do not have to be.

FWIW I was very close to both my parents - spoke most days - loved them very much. I 'missed' both their deaths. It wasn't what I wanted, but that's what happened. 'Death' is just a moment - you being there or not being there doesn't change the life and relationship you did or didn't have with each other.

I was very close to my DF and sat with him for days and all through the night until the day before he died. I had responsibilities at home - three DC still in school and DM with mobility issues unable to care for herself. I had a strong feeling that had my DF been able to discuss it with me - he was on a driver and completely unresponsive, he would have said that my responsibility lay with the living. Also I know he would not have wanted me sitting crying over him. So I went home on the Monday morning with the thought that I would go back the next morning. However the next morning came and a phone call from the hospital that he had passed away. I have never, ever felt guilty about not being with him. He worshipped my DM and would have wanted me to be with her, not with him.

Saw my dad day he died, but he was out of it. The day before he was with us, but couldn't speak much. He too lived many miles away. But the actual day, he had the stomach driver of pain killers and they just made him sleep and he passed away a couple hours after we left the hospital. Once people are knocked out that way I think there's not much point in being there other than for yourself if you need it.

OP, it's up to you what you want to do and there's no right or wrong, but look after yourself and go easy on you too.

No one can give you a time span unfortunately. My bio dad had dementia & pneumonia & went on for a week or so which was really hard on my sister (I'm Somerset & she's Suffolk where he lived) My darling step dad caught covid during the second wave. He had a syringe driver fitted on the Wednesday & went early hours Friday morning (on my dsis 50th bday!) My fil was on one for 5 days. None of them was alone they passed but no one should judge if you can't stay. He knows you came to see him & now he's on a syringe driver he will feel comfortable. Whatever you choose, I send hugs 💐

IME syringe driver comes in the last days so I don’t think you’ll be waiting around long OP, which is probably a blessing for both you and your dad. It’s such a sad situation and I’ve been there myself.

OP, I think whatever you decide to do is the best thing here. There are no right answers. That being said, think about what practical support could help - whether asking friends/ teen/ your ex etc to feed the animals is an option, or staying in a hotel. And getting signed off work for a bit is an option you could take. Be gentle with yourself.

That's fine, OP. You don't owe your mum or the nurses a show of 'normal' behaviour (especially as you don't have a 'normal' relationship with them - the quotes are not judgement, they're understanding, I v much get it).

If you're okay with it - and I would be - then give yourself permission to leave. If you need it from someone else, have permission from me.

Do what feels right and try not to worry about what you should do or what other people feel. It sounds as though you have a complicated relationship with both parents and that makes it even harder because what others deem you should do conflicts with your feelings.
I know for me I grieved that I would never have the chance of a ‘normal’ parent- child relationship as much (if not more) as I grieved for my parent.
Thinking of you and be kind to yourself.

Sending you support from someone whose parent's death followed a similar-sounding path. We had the whole family (in succession) there at one point or another during the last 48 hours or so but we couldn't stay overnight, which was when she finally died.
I felt bad that she was clearly alone and the staff were a bit shifty when we asked what time it had happened (as they clearly had no idea and only noticed when they entered her room for a routine something-or-other). But we decided to look at the broader picture - she had massive love and support at the important times and knew it.
Please don't feel guilty. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

How would you feel if he died and you weren’t there or you saw him less and he died during a time you were supposed to be there?

I personally wouldn’t care.
Most people recognise that other people have lives and kids and it’s not possible to spend every minute with them.

I think how you treat someone during their life is way more important than the hours before they die.
So I will never feel guilty for not being there for someone if they died if I had a genuine reason and you do.

But if you think that you’ll have guilt then it’s worth considering.

Remember most people will hold on until their loved ones leave and then choose to let go.

Sorry that your dad is dying. If you have never had a close relationship I can understand not wanting to be the one there with him when he passes.

It’s not very clear from your post if you and your mum care about each other although you said you do speak on the phone. Is she also elderly in her 70s?

If you have a half decent relationship I would help tidy her house a little while you wait for the inevitable e.g. make sure you both have a clean bed and the shower is clean for you both. Obviously it depends on what your childhood was like. If you were provided with a clean bed and somewhere to wash etc

You say you're low contact with your dm but speak every week? I'd stay for her sake if not your df's.

Ask other family amd friends to help with pets and ds college transport and book a cheap travellodge. He's on a syringe driver, it won't be long.

Also you said "She has told me they're both not having a funeral which I suppose says a lot about how they view relationships". Me and dh aren't having funerals, I loathe the performance of them it's nothing to do with how I view relationships.

Sorry it's a difficult situation but I do think you need to be the better person and stat til he goes .

Doesn't sound like it's going to be long in fairness.

I was estranged from my dad when I got the call, I went to the hospital and stayed for 2 days while he died, he briefly responded to me when I walked in, then nothing after, after he died I left without really feeling anything.

It is entirely personal choice as to whether you want to stay or not, the thing that bothers me about people dying alone is that he (and my mum a few years previous) went through periods of seeming distressed (moaning, laboured breathing, frowning etc) if no one was there to go and call attention to it, I'm not sure how often they would be left in that state, every time I called someone they topped up his meds until he settled again.

You only need to do what is right for you, and to make sure you will be okay with your decisions afterwards.. don't spare a second thought as to what anyone else thinks and just do what YOU think is right.