To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

[lurchersforever]

My dad is dying - under palliative team and on morphine. This has been fairly unexpected but he is mid 70s and a heavy drinker and smoker, so not a complete shock at this point that this is happening. He has no specific diagnosis, such as cancer or heart issues, just a number of things have finally caught up with him I suppose.

I am low contact with both parents, especially him, and see them 2-3 times a year for a brief visit. I speak to my mum weekly but never my dad. I think they are dysfunctional and my mum has covered up or played down a lot of health and other issues over the years, but I haven't exactly pushed for info so can't blame her. I do think she's co-dependent.

I was tearful when the hospital rang me (think my mum had asked them to) but I'm at peace with what is happening now and, if I'm honest, relieved it isn't my mum going first. The thing is, I live a 3 hour drive away from them and have a teen at home - with their dad now but should be back with me tomorrow. I also have pets at home - teen has been back to the house to feed them this weekend (I came down yesterday) but if teen stays at dad's if I stay here after tomorrow it will be a pita for them to be going back and fore to mine while also going to college - no buses go those ways and teen is 16 (doesn't have a bike). Could stay at mine but think dad would question it as he knows what's happened - would be odd teen choosing to stay at mine when I'm not there.

Then there is the fact that I can't cope with my mum's house. It's filthy and stinks of smoke even though she doesn't some and my dad has been in hospital 3 weeks. God knows where I would sleep - it's 3 beds but I just don't want to get into any of them! And I really don't want to shower there either. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's how it was growing up too and is one of the reasons I'm low contact. At the moment dad isn't in a private room so I couldn't stay in the hospital all night anyway, but, despite not really wanting to be there at the moment of his death, I actually think I would prefer to be there than at the house. But he's on the ward and they say he's a priority to move but obviously can't say when a room will be available.

Then another thing is my mum is not even at the hospital for more than a couple of hours a day. It's a bit odd really. I'm here on my own with my dad when my mum is actually close to him and I'm not. I'm not even sure why I am here - we weren't close and he's not conscious - did seem to acknowledge when I arrived yesterday, which I'm glad about, but they then upped the morphine and he's been out of it since. I'm not sure why I'm here but I can't just go home and pretend it's not happening. I had pretty much decided if he gets into a private room I will stay there, hoping (that sounds wrong and I really don't mean to be crass) that it won't be much past the weekend. I know I will have to stay with my mum a night or two afterwards, which I am dreading...

If he's not in a private room within a couple of hours then I am going home and will plan to come back by tomorrow lunchtime, but that will mean he'll be alone until around 10.30am, which is when my mum comes. If he passes between those times he will do so alone. Is that awful?

I sat with my mum every day for a week until she passed. We had been no contact for years. There is no right or wrong OP.
The hospital was a no go for sleeping as we were sat on chairs and it was noisy. Then she was moved to a hospice. Tbf we didn’t go home once she was there but it was still 3 days. Mum passed at 3ish am when her sister was sat with her. My sister was in the next room and I had come home for sleep.
You ANBU whatever you decide. We agonised every night about going home but the staff said they would call if they thought it was time. They checked on mum more on the odd occasion we had nipped out or home for sleep. Please be kind to yourself. It felt like torture for us. Trapped in a groundhog day. Sending love xx

With this kind of thing you have to decide what will give you the most peace - and consider the needs of your dependants too.

I was very close to my mum but once she was unconscious - after all the goodbyes in the afternoon before she became unconscious - I did decide to go home to my 13 year old as felt she would need me there more. Mum was with my brother and eldest daughter when she passed so wasn't alone and I didn't leave until midnight anyway. These kind of things are very emotional and stir up a lot of feelings that may have been hidden for years. Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

In a practical sense it is really difficult to predict when someone will pass away. It might be days or weeks before they do. I would arrange to visit certainly and I would ask the nurse to contact you if it looks like he will shortly be at his end, but it is really not practical to sit by a bedside 24/7 just in case. If you do need to visit. Premier Inn or Travelodge would be for me.

I think when you’ve got unconsciousness, syringe drivers and rattling it probably won’t be that long. And the hospital can only give him a room if they’ve got one. Unfortunately people die on the main wards all the time.

I was with my mum and my best friend when they died and I couldn’t tell you at what moment they’d actually died. They were unconscious anyway. The rattle was a little clue. My dad woke up, told us he was feeling ok and to go home, then died after we’d left.

There’s no right or wrong. You can’t always be there 24/7. I got the impression that the nurses expected me to be for my dad, but his end of life care lasted 3 weeks and I had dogs and horses, plus my mum’s care to do, so simply had to run backwards and forwards.
Thinking of you. Whatever the circumstances it’s a tiring, emotional time

Please ignore horrible comments like it sounds like you don't care enough. This person clearly doesn't understand what it is like to have a complicated relationship with parents.
You can only do what you are most comfortable with. Sorry you are going through this xx

So sorry op. Very hard when family dynamics are complex. I know! From personal experience I was not there when 3 people close to me died,even though I had spent a fair bit of time with them in the hospital. I did say goodbye to them when I went,in my own way in case they died when I wasn't there( which they did) In my professional experience relatives are often not there.. even if they have spent the day/ night. It really can be that they have gone for fresh air,to the loo etc. I hope you find your way op.

Is there a hotel near by? You could aim to stay for one night and see how it goes tomorrow.

Either way, if you leave for home or to get some sleep at a hotel, before you go tell your Dad you love him and that it’s okay for him to go whenever he needs to, that you’ll be there to take care of your Mum so he’s not to worry about that.

That may give you peace of mind if he passes while you are not there - a part of him will know that you were there for him and your Mum.

No only one and that was enough absolutely horrific to the end. Terrified gasping for breath as though drowning (more than rattle) and absolutely terrified eyes like a horror movie scared and stayed that way after death till nurse closed eye lids. From a Catholic family this is how I remember elderly relatives saying death is ie terrifying until someone closes the eyes. All this bullshit about peaceful must be morphine?

I quite agree with this, @lurchersforever

It’s your choice and it’s your decision and it’s entirely your business.

I sat with my mum the last 10 days of her life.
My sibling bossed her and ran every aspect of her life from what Mum wore to where she lived.

But when Mum began to die I watched that same sibling take a literal step back - as if Mum dying scared them, made them afraid.

It was an honour for me to be there when Mum took her last breath - and it was profound.

OP, as a few others have said, most people ‘choose’ to die when no-one is watching.
Happened with my mum, bed bound and semi conscious for a few days, I went to make a coffee and she went while I was out of the room (less than 3 minutes). Her GP said this was really common. Ultimately, people need to die alone.

I’m sorry you’re torn about this. But you should do what is best for you. My mum died a year ago, she took two weeks to go and did so when my brother or I were not there. The palliative care team said this would probably happen. They asked, Woud you want your own children to watch you die? Of course not. My mum was riddled with cancer and went from being normal, driving, doing every day activities to dead within two weeks. I was lucky that my mums house was fine to stay in, although heartbreaking I found comfort in this. I lived 3 hours away too. I sat with mum most of the day, my brother couldn’t. We did what we could to give her comfort in those days, but at the end she was on morphine and unconscious. She was a nurse that volunteered in her later years at a hospice. She knew exactly what was happening. I don’t know if that was good or not. I think for you it will be a release. Your mums left behind, which maybe tricky. I hope you do a lot of looking after yourself and your family. Take care

It's totally fine. I loved my parents and was close to them but still didn't sit by their bedside 24/7 as they were dying. I did what I could and sat with them, talked to them, read to them etc but I had young DC to parent. I think you've done your bit.

I have seen family members die, but was not there when my son died. He was unconscious in A&E and I think I was in a state of shock as it was unexpected. I left during the evening to get something to eat and book into a hotel though the staff thought I should stay. I could not have coped with being there all night. He died the following day.
We were close but just could not handle seeing him like that. Not everyone can cope with watching someone die.

Sometimes people can take a long time to die. My husband did at least 5 ‘last goodbyes’ to his grandmother but couldn’t do it again when it reached the point she actually went. I am experiencing similar with my mum and it is getting harder and harder to have the emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been grieving for at least 6 months but she’s not died yet. God knows how she’s hanging in to be frank but there are only so many times I can mentally say goodbye. I have to function for my young children. As harsh as it sounds, she has had her time and my children need me more.

I think you can have a picture in your head of what a parent dying should be. Mine isn’t what I imagined and yours doesn’t seem to be either. I think as long as you make peace with your decision OP it’s now about how you manage rather than your dad. He’ll be gone but you have to manage.

Surely you can see that judgement is unhelpful and unwarranted here. Why not be compassionate? The OP is clearly doing her best in the circumstances.

I’ve just been through this with my dad who was a life long smoker and had many health problems that seemed to appear only two months ago. My mother also only visited for an hour on most days even though they had been together since their teens and were quite dependent on each other. I only really saw them once a year as they are five hours away and we had become distant emotionally as well as geographically. My sister lives very close by and was also visiting daily. I had said goodbye but thought I would be able to visit again in a couple of weeks but that didn’t happen. He was also on morphine so wouldn’t have known if I was there. My mother and sister left him earlier in the day at his request. Not everyone wants their loved ones to be by their side when they are dying. Do what you think is right and stand by it or the guilt will tear you up.

I feel for you OP but you are not obliged to stay, they say hearing is the last thing to go so say what you need to, give him a kiss if you want & tell him he can let go when he is ready & go home. Wishing you all the best x

100% this.

I really feel for you and reading all the responses here in terms of other posters experiences has been the closest to articulating how I felt when my mum passed and the weeks leading up to it. I don't have any advice other than be kind to yourself and take all the practical, physical and emotional support you are offered. I didn't and it has had a profound impact on my own well being that I am just starting to work through.

I'm sorry that was what you witnessed, that must have been terrible. With the greatest of respect, you've seen one death. That really doesn't qualify you to comment on what often happens / what a lot of deaths are.

It's actually quite common for people to die once their loved ones have left. I even told my DF when he was dying he should go when he was ready, not to wait until I was with him. He died a couple of hours before I got there in the morning.

I was a nurse and have been with patients and families at the end of life. In my experience some patients seem to wait until their relatives are not in the room before they pass. I was not there when either of my parents died. Do what you feel is right for you.

@GreenCa ..this is my experience too

He won’t be alone. He’s in hospital OP. Besides plenty of people die alone at home in their own beds.