To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

[lurchersforever]

My dad is dying - under palliative team and on morphine. This has been fairly unexpected but he is mid 70s and a heavy drinker and smoker, so not a complete shock at this point that this is happening. He has no specific diagnosis, such as cancer or heart issues, just a number of things have finally caught up with him I suppose.

I am low contact with both parents, especially him, and see them 2-3 times a year for a brief visit. I speak to my mum weekly but never my dad. I think they are dysfunctional and my mum has covered up or played down a lot of health and other issues over the years, but I haven't exactly pushed for info so can't blame her. I do think she's co-dependent.

I was tearful when the hospital rang me (think my mum had asked them to) but I'm at peace with what is happening now and, if I'm honest, relieved it isn't my mum going first. The thing is, I live a 3 hour drive away from them and have a teen at home - with their dad now but should be back with me tomorrow. I also have pets at home - teen has been back to the house to feed them this weekend (I came down yesterday) but if teen stays at dad's if I stay here after tomorrow it will be a pita for them to be going back and fore to mine while also going to college - no buses go those ways and teen is 16 (doesn't have a bike). Could stay at mine but think dad would question it as he knows what's happened - would be odd teen choosing to stay at mine when I'm not there.

Then there is the fact that I can't cope with my mum's house. It's filthy and stinks of smoke even though she doesn't some and my dad has been in hospital 3 weeks. God knows where I would sleep - it's 3 beds but I just don't want to get into any of them! And I really don't want to shower there either. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's how it was growing up too and is one of the reasons I'm low contact. At the moment dad isn't in a private room so I couldn't stay in the hospital all night anyway, but, despite not really wanting to be there at the moment of his death, I actually think I would prefer to be there than at the house. But he's on the ward and they say he's a priority to move but obviously can't say when a room will be available.

Then another thing is my mum is not even at the hospital for more than a couple of hours a day. It's a bit odd really. I'm here on my own with my dad when my mum is actually close to him and I'm not. I'm not even sure why I am here - we weren't close and he's not conscious - did seem to acknowledge when I arrived yesterday, which I'm glad about, but they then upped the morphine and he's been out of it since. I'm not sure why I'm here but I can't just go home and pretend it's not happening. I had pretty much decided if he gets into a private room I will stay there, hoping (that sounds wrong and I really don't mean to be crass) that it won't be much past the weekend. I know I will have to stay with my mum a night or two afterwards, which I am dreading...

If he's not in a private room within a couple of hours then I am going home and will plan to come back by tomorrow lunchtime, but that will mean he'll be alone until around 10.30am, which is when my mum comes. If he passes between those times he will do so alone. Is that awful?

Just wanted to say you’re not unreasonable doing what is right for you, not at all.
Sending an unmumsnetty hug and strength for the coming days x💐

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a personal thing and you need to do what is right for you. I spent many hours and days at my father’s bedside but was not there when he actually died and feel no guilt about that. He knew everything he needed to and he would have totally understood that I needed to be with my children.
I agree with your user name and hope you have got a Lurcher to comfort you when you get home.
Sending love and strength to you and everyone who is going through or has been through similar. 💐

OP, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was somewhere similar last May and as my dad was divorced and my sis abroad I was his only visitor. I was torn between being there and being home for my teens, DH and pets. We were not close. My sister chose not to visit and regrets that now.

Only you can decide what feels right. Make that decision for you rather than him as you will be the person remaining. My dad had no funeral either but you can process a lot by going through old photos and letters. Everyone’s journey is different. Nearly a year forward I feel I can understand my dad better and the day I said goodbye was not the day he died. I was not present for that and part of me is glad as I wouldn’t want that as my final memory of him.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough.

I just wanted to say that "dying alone" has awful connotations of someone being unloved and lonely in their final moments. The situation you describe is quite different: you have said goodbye and your dad is not conscious. He is in hospital and being cared for. There is always a chance that someone dies when there happens to be no one in the room. That does not necessarily make it a sad and lonely death. My DH's gran died alone in hospital: she was admitted for something that was not life threatening and the relatives had all gone home in the evening. She was in a private room and when a nurse came to check on her she had passed away. It was a very peaceful and calm death.

Wishing you strength and much love over the next few days, weeks and months x

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough.

I just wanted to say that "dying alone" has awful connotations of someone being unloved and lonely in their final moments. The situation you describe is quite different: you have said goodbye and your dad is not conscious. He is in hospital and being cared for. There is always a chance that someone dies when there happens to be no one in the room. That does not necessarily make it a sad and lonely death. My DH's gran died alone in hospital: she was admitted for something that was not life threatening and the relatives had all gone home in the evening. She was in a private room and when a nurse came to check on her she had passed away. It was a very peaceful and calm death.

Wishing you strength and much love over the next few days, weeks and months x

@OP, As I have already posted, I had a long sit -alone - just this week

Mum and I relationship broke down years ago

We tolerated each other

Yet she called for me, and me and DH held her in her last lucid moments

There was no love lost between us. But come the end she wanted me and I was there for her.

That comforts me

But this is your journey

Take comfort in knowing that you can only do what you can do. There are no rules, no should/could dos. Do you xx

travelodge? better not

I've often heard of people preferring to go when they are alone - my mother also went in the early hours when she was on her own, and I believe that's how she wanted it.
Or people wait until visitors have left and then go.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - do what works for you.

Yes. My mum didn’t die until I’d headed home to rest after spending weeks sleeping on the hospital floor. I would ask the nurses if I had time to pop out to the cafe to get a sandwich or if they could call me the minute anything happened if I was away from her bedside. I agree with the woo woo, I’ve come to realise people hold on whilst their loved ones are in the room and leave when alone. Apparently mum’s beloved cat let out a most almighty yowl at the very moment she passed, which reinforces my other woo woo belief that animals know more than we can ever understand.

Sorry OP, didn’t address your post. You have to do what’s right for you. As PP have said, you’ve done your duty and said your goodbyes. No need to feel obligated or duty. But it’s your choice, whatever you do will be up to you with no judgement. Sending you a hug

Why on Earth not? I have been in the travelodge this week going back and forth to the hospital and the beds were really comfy, rooms were quiet and peaceful, curtains blacked out all light and everything was brilliantly clean and the shower was hot and satisfying. I couldn't fault them at all. I turned up 3am and 5am some nights to check in and they would let me in and had kept my room etc. Check out was a very generous 12pm and I paid £40- £80 a night which seemed very reasonable. My only complaint is the internet is only free for 30 minutes, but I wasn't using the room to hang out in besides sleeping and freshening up. For something like this I'd highly recommend them.

OP, it is often incredibly traumatic to sit for days beside a dying parent. And probably not what the person would actually want.
Your relationship with him doesn't make it less difficult, it just makes it different. So dont feel like there's some wierd emotional fraud going on.

On Monday, call your boss (or message tomorrow or whatever), and say you can't make it to work: you dont have to lie and say youre at the hospital with him, nobody decent is going to begrudge you time to recover. Take the day to do whatever you want- have a lie in and watch tv, bed rot, order takeaway, go for a walk, clean your windows, plant some seeds, write a Eulogy, donestic admin... just whatever.

When my DF died it was about 10 days of no fluids, a week after they administered the meds that dry secretions etc. Probably 5 days of the stop..... start breathing. And, of course, he passed away on the morning I slept in so wasn't quite there in time.

When my df went into hospital before he died he was unconscious, my dm didn't visit him for two days. It was so weird but I think she was scared of being there when he died, she wasn't ready. It was a lot to process.

After the third day me and my sister and our adult dcs took it in turns to take dm to sit with df.
I can't remember the timeline now but the night he died we left at 10pm then for a call at 1am to say his breathing has changed and to get there asap.
We didn't make it in time and he died on his own before we got there.

My point is that you can't predict when it's going to happen and being there 24/7 won't matter, you could pop out to the loo and he passes then.

So don't feel mean or bad, I personally don't think df knew we were there by the last day anyway.

Many people die when their loved ones leave their side for a moment. I think it might be a need to die in private. Don't worry about him dying alone. You have to be around for the living, including yourself x

So any further decisions have been taken out of my hands - hospital has rung to say he died around half an hour ago. My mum has said she doesn't want me to go to her tomorrow (she didn't put it that bluntly, but clearly wants a day on her own, which is perfectly understandable) so I will go to her on Monday, but I'll be coming home in the evening, or if not a hotel.

I'm really glad I was there today and that I did literally say goodbye before I went and said a few personal words. I do feel at peace with that and, without sounding crass, which I probably do, I am grateful that there is closure now and the grieving can begin.

I'm really grateful for all the supportive words on this thread too.

So sorry to hear this. As you say you have closure now. Treat yourself kindly whatever you need to do next. X 💐

Wish you well OP and take care of yourself

Watching someone die stays with you forever. As much as I might not want to die alone, i also wouldn't want to inflict witnessing it on anyone that I love so perhaps this was an act of love on his part, waiting for you to leave before drifting away. I hope the coming few weeks are not too awful for you and your family.

I hope this story helps you feel better about your decision. My mum was violent and emotionally abusive when I was a kid. Dad was avoidant and verbally abusive when asked to deal with Mum’s behaviour. Also both co-dependent. As an adult, the violence stopped but the emotional abuse kicked up exponentially. I moved to the other side of the world with my DH and little kids. When Dad was dying, my mum sat outside on the verandah reading murder mysteries and chain smoking when she wasn’t gambling at the pub. She would sit for hours on the phone to everyone playing the victim while I was looking after him for the last 12 weeks of his life. When she was dying I did the same. She lost her filter and other people saw and heard how she REALLY was with me.

Now, a decade after all of this, I can honestly say that even though I did what I thought was the right thing to do, I regret every single second I took away from my lovely husband and kids to give to two people who took it for granted and had no genuine connection to me or my life. All I ended up with was a re-exacerbation of my childhood PTSD

I am so sorry 💐

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Just read your update OO. So sorry for
your loss.

I'm very sorry to read this. Take care.

Sorry for your loss, please don’t feel guilty at all in the coming days because reading your story I thought perhaps you hadn’t visited or only spent a short time. It sounds like you spent a long time there and did all you could. Your dad passed relatively quickly too, my dad took nearly a week on morphine / unconscious to finally slip away, I’m certain it happened when I was watching big brother on the telly which he despised lol
good wishes to you for the coming days and weeks with the funeral etc, sounds harsh to say but at least he slipped away quite quickly, he wasn’t coming back from that place, the only way forward was to peacefully pass

I'm sorry for your loss and glad you got to spend time together. I'm also glad this didn't drag on for you all making everything harder.

Your DM will need time and space, as you do but it's good you are able to visit again tomorrow to show her your support.

Take time today to look after yourself. I can imagine tomorrow could be tough.