To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

[lurchersforever]

My dad is dying - under palliative team and on morphine. This has been fairly unexpected but he is mid 70s and a heavy drinker and smoker, so not a complete shock at this point that this is happening. He has no specific diagnosis, such as cancer or heart issues, just a number of things have finally caught up with him I suppose.

I am low contact with both parents, especially him, and see them 2-3 times a year for a brief visit. I speak to my mum weekly but never my dad. I think they are dysfunctional and my mum has covered up or played down a lot of health and other issues over the years, but I haven't exactly pushed for info so can't blame her. I do think she's co-dependent.

I was tearful when the hospital rang me (think my mum had asked them to) but I'm at peace with what is happening now and, if I'm honest, relieved it isn't my mum going first. The thing is, I live a 3 hour drive away from them and have a teen at home - with their dad now but should be back with me tomorrow. I also have pets at home - teen has been back to the house to feed them this weekend (I came down yesterday) but if teen stays at dad's if I stay here after tomorrow it will be a pita for them to be going back and fore to mine while also going to college - no buses go those ways and teen is 16 (doesn't have a bike). Could stay at mine but think dad would question it as he knows what's happened - would be odd teen choosing to stay at mine when I'm not there.

Then there is the fact that I can't cope with my mum's house. It's filthy and stinks of smoke even though she doesn't some and my dad has been in hospital 3 weeks. God knows where I would sleep - it's 3 beds but I just don't want to get into any of them! And I really don't want to shower there either. I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's how it was growing up too and is one of the reasons I'm low contact. At the moment dad isn't in a private room so I couldn't stay in the hospital all night anyway, but, despite not really wanting to be there at the moment of his death, I actually think I would prefer to be there than at the house. But he's on the ward and they say he's a priority to move but obviously can't say when a room will be available.

Then another thing is my mum is not even at the hospital for more than a couple of hours a day. It's a bit odd really. I'm here on my own with my dad when my mum is actually close to him and I'm not. I'm not even sure why I am here - we weren't close and he's not conscious - did seem to acknowledge when I arrived yesterday, which I'm glad about, but they then upped the morphine and he's been out of it since. I'm not sure why I'm here but I can't just go home and pretend it's not happening. I had pretty much decided if he gets into a private room I will stay there, hoping (that sounds wrong and I really don't mean to be crass) that it won't be much past the weekend. I know I will have to stay with my mum a night or two afterwards, which I am dreading...

If he's not in a private room within a couple of hours then I am going home and will plan to come back by tomorrow lunchtime, but that will mean he'll be alone until around 10.30am, which is when my mum comes. If he passes between those times he will do so alone. Is that awful?

My Mum went slowly, my MIL went fast. My Mum was surrounded by family, my MIL died alone despite having family with her a lot. My FIL had just been called into a meeting with the staff so her death at that moment was very unexpected. We were due to drive over at lunch time as the hospice staff believed she still had time. We were there every day. We were close to our Mums who were lovely. Yours is a different situation.

You do whatever makes you comfortable. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want. If you don't want to go into work, don't go in.

This.

We lost much-loved FIL recently. For about three weeks we knew he was dying and we and other siblings took turns to visit. Even so it wasn't feasible to have someone there 24/7.

As he neared the end he was probably unaware who was there for most of the time anyway.
DH and I were there at the moment he died, but that was more by chance than because we had kept a bedside vigil. I don't think he knew we were there by that stage.

It's ok to say goodbye to him and go home. You don't need to go back to work straight away.

I think if it was imminent they would find him his own room as a matter of urgency. My MIL passed away on similar circumstances recently.

This. My mum died a year ago. On her last day we were all there at various points throughout the day. My brother was the last to leave, around 10:30pm. She died and hour later. I really think that even when they're not aware they wait until they're alone to die.
You don't have to stay, your dad's not really there anymore, it's just about if you want to be there for your mum.
As others have said you can just stay close by rather than at your mum's. It is hard I get it but you need to put yourself first. I would suggest you do whatever makes you feel best.
With regards to your teen and pets is there any chance his dad will give him a lift to feed pets/check on the house? Are you planning for your teen to come down at all?

Is he having morphine via a syringe driver?
my dad only lasted 2 days once that was fitted.

He didn’t wake up for more that a few seconds once he had that.

It sounds as though you don't care enough to go to the hospital.

Umm...I'm at the hospital now and have been here all day and also came yesterday. Did you actually read my post?

Yes, morphine is through a syringe driver @Idontthinkicandothisanymore . I've been here since 10.15 and his eyes were open when we arrived but momentarily and nothing since.

Nothing new to add here OP, but didn’t want read and run. You sound very level headed, and so whatever choice you make will be okay. It will soon be over for your father, so do what feels right for you now. From your posts, I feel that even if you question this with yourself later, you are self aware enough to know that you did as much as you could do, given all of the circumstances 💐

Beng able to stay overnight with a dying loved one is comparatively recent unless they are at home. Both my grandmother and my father died during the night when we were not there. My grandmother in law actually sent me away and from the last conversation we had, I genuinely believe she wanted to be alone to let go of her life. My grandmother died when I was a child so I wasn't much involved in her care but we visited and sat with my Dad during visiting hours. It was simple chance that I was there when my mum died, again no facility for overnight stay. Both my Dad and my Mum were heavily sedated. I have heard the comment many times that people somehow know and wait until they are alone to die. I think there is truth in it. In your shoes I would do what feels right for you and care for the living who need you too.

It can take several weeks from the point you’re at, OP.

Go home, be there for your kids and pets. Explain to work that you’ve been there all weekend, he’s still ill but the timeline is unknown so you needed a bit of normality but may need to go again at short notice.

How is his breathing OP? Both my parents had the telltale rattle in the hours before they passed. Ans yes they both waited until we’d all gone home for a break before quietly slipping away. Have you had a chat with any staff to see what they think and if they’re planning to move him to a side room etc?

Can you take lots of breaks throughout the day. Could your mum come so you are together and supporting each other. You don’t have to stay at your parents house. If your teen/animals need you go home. You can always drive back if you change your mind. I would take a day at a time. Even if you are not at the hospital you don’t have to go to work. You can still grieve/be upset in your own way even with a complicated relationship. Take care op.

You can do whatever you want, OP. There is nothing wrong with dying alone - surely that's what most of us would want? And, nurses will tell you, many patients do actually die when family members have briefly left the room.
He has medical care and attention - presumably pain relief- which is all that matters.

My FIL and MIL both died in hospital recently and whilst we visited them both as often as we could, and my husband went every evening for 3 or 4 hours, they both died in the early hours when no-one was there.

I chose not to see my dad at the very end. He was out of it on morphine and that wasn't how I wanted to remember him. My DSis wanted to sit with him. Neither of us regretted our individual decisions. Again, he died when there was no-one there.

Do what feels most appropriate for you.

Was any of that post necessary or helpful? My god.

Honestly, it could be much longer than you think. Even without food or water. It's very very unpredictable. Might be fast, might take a surprisingly long time.

In your position, I would go home and stay home. You have said your goodbyes. He is not really "there" any more. He has round-the-clock care. And, as previous posters have pointed out, when he does go then it's likely to be in the middle of the night.

He had the rattle today and this morning but they gave more medication for it so it has gone now. They said it was secretions. His breathing is pretty silent but with a lot of movement to the chest, which makes it look laboured.

I reported it.

It sounds like you have said goodbye and done what you need to OP. No one can say what you should do or feel.

I don’t think think it will be long - a few days perhaps but he will be kept clean warm dry and pain free by the nurses ( and won’t know) who is there or not.

Do what feels right for you . It doesn’t sounds like that is being at your mum’s house. You will grieve for the relationship that you should have had if he had been a better dad/ human being . Be kind to yourself

He's looked after, even if someones not sitting with him he isn't alone, he almost certainly has no idea if someone is with him or not and certainly not who it is thats with him.

I didn't sit with my Mum after her life support was switched off and she passed, I already have enough traumatic memories, she was well out of it and was before we found her, so I didn't really fancy adding any more. I'd already said my goodbyes.

Do whats right for you, your mental health and your immediate family.

I think this is a kind post.

My dad had bowel cancer and died in a nursing home. They lived in Yorkshire which was 250 miles from me. I had 2 young children at school and my husband and I both had jobs. I couldn’t have gone and sat with him if I wanted to. We went up shortly before he died and said our goodbyes to him but we then had to come back home until the funeral. My brothers are both childless and lived much closer than me so they supported mum and arranged the funeral. I did what I could and I don’t feel guilty about it. When Mum died I only went for the funeral and to help my brother start sorting her house out. Your mum will appreciate your support afterwards more and your Dad won’t know you are there. Look after yourself - you are important too.

Id Stay if you can then. Once my dad had the driver is was basically game over. I sat with him and played music and told him he could go and we’d be fine. Once he heard that he slipped away.

I think you need to go home OP and make sure you are alright. You can't do anything for him and relationships being complicated adds an extra layer of grief. You shouldn't beat yourself into doing something you are struggling with in these circumstances.

Saying this as someone who camped out for a fortnight at DH's hospital bed when he was dying and moved not a muscle to go to my estranged mother when she went. I've never regretted either decision.

Sending you good wishes.