To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Yes type up the ground rules in the whats app group. Make other group members aware one to one why this is happening. Our own group had similar issues from one person and it really set what the group "norm" was going to be and made expectations clear.

Do the other folk in your group feel the same way about her as you do. If so you need to discuss how to handle it - someone will need to take the lead , and the others need to back it up. I personally think you need to be honest with her that she’s not fitting in to your group . Personally I would hate to think in my group of friends that everyone else disliked my company but were being too polite to tell me.

Thank you everyone for your comments - I have been considering saying something for a while but wasn't sure if I was being mean, hence my post. I can see now that none of us are helping the situation by not addressing it.

I have posted in the group chat and suggested she doesn't come tomorrow, its due to be wet and so I have said I'm concerned the conditions may not be great and that by trying to lift / help her we may do her further harm. Another person has since posted and said something similar.

I'm going to leave it a couple of days and then message her away from the group chat to say I hope shes feeling a bit better, and that I can't give her lifts anymore if she can't either take her turn to drive or contribute to fuel every now and then. I think I will also point out her lack of manners and how this comes across to others. If she doesn't like it I am really not that bothered, she isn't what I would consider a friend and I can't be arsed with it anymore.

I would just start another thread without Susan and wouldn't feel bad about doing so. If she contacted me and asked my why there had been no more invitations, I would either say we haven't been going out, or say words to the effect of everyone was fed up of her freeloading.

Whose stuff has she borrowed? Can they not post asking for it back. It might be worth them giving her one more lift to get their stuff (she can be made to go inside for it if she ‘forgets’. Then start a new rule that non drivers pay petrol.

FierceForester90 · Today 16:43

Write yourself a script, rehearse it and then deliver it in a cool manner. Be plain spoken and just say what needs to be said. She's leaching off everyone in the group and needs to be told.

But why would it be mean, @FierceForester90 ? You describe her as a 'friend' in the title of your OP, but she isn't, she's just someone who goes hillwalking in a group you're a member of. Not returning kit, expecting lifts or special treatment, and a failure of basic manners would see her blacklisted from many hillwalking clubs with actual rules.

Well done. Please let us know how it all goes.

You say "she can drive but doesn't". Does this mean she doesn't drive at all and doesn't even own a car, or she has a car and drives for other things but just doesn't offer to use it for these outings?

If the latter then maybe it is time to challenge openly. Reply something like "Why do you need a lift Susan? Surely it must be your turn to drive and return some of the lifts you have already received."

Another lady in the group - she borrowed some swimming stuff. We had planned a hike with a waterfall dip at the end. Most of us had bought matching swimsuits for a laugh. Unfortunately the lady in question fell ill and couldn't come. As soon as Susan saw that she messaged to ask if she could borrow the swim stuff. 18 months later and after more than one person asking its still not come back.

This was the one an only weekend away she came with us on and she was a nightmare - it should have been called out at that point. We haven't invited her since.

I don’t think I’d do this tbh. It may come back to bite you with the rest of the group.

Just don’t engage with her in the group chat at all. Don’t offer lifts and don’t respond when she “demands” something. Don’t mix with her more than you can help on hikes. Don’t lend her anything and don’t offer help. If she asks you directly, just say no, and if you need a because it’s simply that doesn’t work for me/I can’t do that unfortunately. End of.

Someone like this will never take on board feedback that is designed to be genuinely helpful. She’s a rude piss taker and always will be.

You're being too nice here.

You need to be far more direct. If everyone else is in agreement with you (I assume they are?!?), then just message her, say that she comes across as very rude, doesn't offer lifts, borrows stuff without returning it etc... so the group has decided it would be for the best if she was no longer a part of the group.

Life is too short. This woman is clearly all ME ME ME ME ME. Some people are just like that.

Perhaps set up a WhatsApp group without her to discuss this with the others.

Personally, I wouldn’t try to reset the rules with her.

She’s obviously got a very strong manipulative personality that is very well established.

Why waste the energy, she’ll always be a pita?

Start a new chat group without her. I bet this won’t be the first time it’s happened to her.

She can drive an owns a car. She says some narrow roads make her anxious which is totally fine - however thats when I feel she should offer to drive to the places with easy roads.

Use that as the reason “susan can you return Sallys swimsuit please, it’s been 18 months your taking the mick. As for tomorrow, you won’t manage it and it’s not fair on us.” Then don’t say anything else and make a separate chat.

Because, despite her attitude, not everyone finds confrontation easy...plus it sounds like she might not even realise how she's coming across .....but I agree somebody needs to step up and state the facts assertively....so, which one of you is going to be brave? Ha ha . Good luck!

Absolutely this 👆🏻
Job done

Agree with Sunny Koala. It is cruel and underhand to start another group when she is seemingly oblivious to what she's doing. Someone needs to just tell her why people are pissed off with her.

Agree with Sunny Koala. It is cruel and underhand to start another group when she is seemingly oblivious to what she's doing. Someone needs to just tell her why people are pissed off with her.

Sorry this is a digression but that’s a bit of a catastrophic way to look at it.

The fact one person is being an arsehole doesn’t equate to its never worth socialising ever again with anyone.

Why do people take such a zero sum approach to this?

She's not oblivious to what she's doing. She just thinks she's getting away with it. Classic grifting.

You can’t set out the (reasonable) reasons she pisses everyone off then carry on as before! It will be awful she will be hurt / furious and she will no doubt ruin the outing.

Just set up a new group on a pretext and leave out her and the one that introduced her to the group. Be a shame to ruin the whole group because of one person if everyone else is nice and you enjoy the outings.

Why is it 'mean' to point out she's BU?

She's being mean.

If you don't tell her, how is it going to change?

We had a Susan thankfully she has now stormed off because we were no longer conforming to her expectations. Start saying no Susan will have a strop and stroppy Susan will eventually drop away.

Somebody needs to post "A please and thank you wouldn't go amiss".