To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

That sounds very annoying OP, I think PP's suggestion of responding that of course she shouldn't come as no one is going to be carrying her was good. Going forward maybe get in first with 'Lets go to xyz tomorrow, CF you can give us a lift' I know its more assertive than you want (I don't mean that in a mean way, its a social group no one wants to be assertive in a social group) but she may well get bored if shes having to put effort in.

Good idea

She’s a rude CF. Part of the issue is that she’s not an original member and has latched on a bit like a parasite - take, take, take. I guess you have to work out whether she’s a loss who adds nothing at all or if she’s a friendship worth saving (so long as she learns her behaviour is getting people’s backs up).

If it’s the latter, I’d just deal with every example of rudeness / presumption as it occurs. When she says she’ll be getting a lift, someone needs to remind her that a please wouldn’t go amiss. When she invites herself to things or sulks at people meeting without her, tell her that people don’t want to have to justify meeting their own friends.

If she has nothing to offer the group and ruins everything with her selfishness or if the rudeness continues then I’d just set up a new group without her and leave her in the old one. A point will come where she’ll realise and that’s when someone - or a few of you - will need to point out that you’ve become tired of being treated rudely and thoughtlessly so the friendship has fizzled out.

The problem from what I can gather is that nobody has wanted to challenge her behaviour so everyone is getting increasingly annoyed and talking about her privately, yet have been cooperating / facilitating the CFery.

You don't like her so you might as well just be blunt - you lose nothing but a dead weight.

Be direct or start a new group. She sounds a pain.

Yes, you could say, for those that don't reciprocate lifts the cost is 45p per mile.

Just start another group without her.

Id also restrict or remove her off your social media if she is on it.

Some of our group are older ladies who don't like confrontation. She does need to be told I know this.

I’d say “ok, see you at the next one instead”
and then make a new group.

Is any one person closer to her than others? I may be far off the mark but it sounds like she may be lonely/lack friendship experience and may not know how she comes across but at the same time maybe really rely on these group activities for her social life. I think one person needs to gently discuss how she’s coming across with her. Only then will she change. One of two things will probably happen, either she won’t come again because she’s embarrassed but you’ll have hopefully helped her in future friendships or she will change her attitude and be more pleasant to be around. Can’t see how any bad can come of it for you if approaching it that way and everyone in group feels the same? Edited to add that removing her from the group or starting a new group minus her would feel a little mean-spirited.

Is there anyone I'm your group that wants her in the group? If not I'd ask for your equipment back nicely and when you have it back then say you don't want her in your group anymore, preferably with explanation so she can reflect on it and then block her as a group and individually.

Just tell her you’re finding her behaviour rude and so won’t be offering to help. Other will no doubt join in and she’ll flounce. Job done.

Saying you can't give someone a lift isnt confrontation though is it? Nor is asking for petrol money.

You can decline to help someone without being rude, aggressive or confrontational. Otherwise, what's the alternative?- doing whatever she wants and seething with resentment and irritation- thats hardly functional behaviour either.

If you start a new group without her and she finds out it could well get confrontational

Start a new chat without Susan.

I'd ignore her comment unless it was aimed at me directly, then I'd tell her no. The others can make their own choices.

Just copy and paste the link to this thread into the chat, you don’t even need to let on you’re the OP 😂

Do you want to salvage the relationship with Susan or do you just not like her at all?

Either way she needs to be told her behaviour is unacceptable but that would impact whether to tell her in a "goodbye" message or a more gentle one about behaviour on future hikes.

If the rest of your group all feel the same way someone just needs to suck it up and be the one to deal with the uncomfortable conversation. Will be better once it's done.

It isn't at all rude to ask her for petrol money or ask if she can do a lift next time, or ask for your stuff back! Obviously she should just offer but people are all sorts of strange and often don't behave how we think they should.

She’s not a friend and it sounds like she’s not a good fit for the group. Is everyone else thinking the same?
you could do one of two things.

1. speak to her and explain she’s coming across rude and entitled and she needs to change her ways to continue being invited
2. tell her that she’s causing stress and drama and won’t be invited on any more outings then remove her from the group chat.

Can she not go with her original friend?

You could give the others a bit of a n opening by replying 'I won't be able to give you a lift X. Speaking for myself, I wouldn't feel comfortable helping you up and down anything. I don't think that would be safe for either of us. Maybe you're best off staying at home until you are recovered and can hike independently.'
Then whatever she says stick to your guns - 'No, it's not convenient for me to give you a lift. No, I'm not comfortable being in a situation where I'd be taking a lot of your weight and putting myself at risk'.
Oh, and delete the word 'sorry' from anything you say. You aren't sorry, so don't apologise.

Hopefully others will find the courage to follow your lead. And to start asking her on the group for their kit back!

The friend who added her to the group and then left is quite funny, that is a good way of getting rid of somebody that’s annoying…

Set a second group up and invite everyone but her and then leave the first group just ghost her or if you want to tell her, tell her people are finding her extremely rude and it’s causing upset within the group so it’s best she takes a step away from the group.

Why doesn’t anyone challenge her? Publicly.
“Susan when are you going to return my poles, j need them back asap”
”Susan surely it must be your turn tk offer to drive?”
”susan, all the info about the trip is in the group chat, I don’t think anyone has time to talk it through with you”.
etc.
like, she sounds awful but you have all collectively enabled this.

Brilliant, job done 😁

I agree with the ground rules plan, paying for lifts, not spoiling other people's trip by going when sick or injured, asking for lifts not expecting one, etc. Or just abandon that group chat and start a new one without her. The others in the group don't owe her anything, if she asks people are just moving on the old group's become boring and too difficult to organise, too many people with different requirements, she can ask if anyone wants to go on a hike with her separately.