To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Can you not start a separate group?

Or someone just put their big girl pants on and tell her that she’s being a CF in various different ways and everyone is getting sick of her?

Or those she asks for lifts just say “no sorry, that won’t work for me” and just not bring her?

I hit the wrong button! You’re not BU. She sounds like a cheeky fucker, and needs pulling up pronto. She only does it as you’re letting her.

Don't just remove, if everyone feels the same, you need to speak go her about how she comes across.

If things don't improve maybe you will have to make plans without her.

See, this is why I binned off a load of people and don’t bother mixing anymore. There’s always one pain in the arse x

Agree it's too much hassle socialising

Life’s too short. If you all feel the same, start a new group and enjoy your hikes again!

Start a separate group with the others but not Susan and switch to that to organise meet ups. If she posts about being 'disappointed' just ignore.

Start a new group. If she asks where you all went, the bolshiest one of you is going to have to tell her that it is because she's stingy, doesn't return borrowed items and never even says please/thank you for lifts or help.

"I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things"
"I cant do that unfortunately, see you another time"
Or just "the word you are scrabbling for is please 😅"
Or "Jeff miiight give you a lift if you say please and return the £250 of gear you borrowed/stole in 2023"

If everyone else thinks she a knob set up a new group.

You are all enabling this behaviour. How is she to know how pissed off you all are when nobody tells her? Many people are like this and continue to be like this because they get away with it. Accept it or do something about it. It's honestly not that complicated.

What will happen as a result of her "I'll come but I need x y z " post? Will someone jump in and offer?

She posted it about 4 hours ago and the group has been silent since then! I know we need to address it, I think we were hoping she would take the hint to be honest.

Now is the time to say something why she is injured. Say don't be ridiculous if you are to injured to hike obviously you can't come nobody is able to be carrying you about.

I've done the 'Sorry I can't take you' a couple of times recently. She then starts direct messaging other people who haven't offered and asking them for lifts.

I'm too old for this I just want a quiet life when I can enjoy the outdoors without it being stressful lol

You need to tell her, ideally in response to individual comments/assumptions rather than a 'you are totally awful' kind of way. So 'you are assuming I can take you but haven't asked me' or similar.

It is cruel to just set up a new group if she doesn't know why. It would crush me in that position and people get things wrong for all kinds of reasons.

Start a group without her. Deserved

Had over 40 years of it. Now I stick to my sister and close family: they’re the people I love and trust x

Everyone needs to start dealing with her assertively. So in response to her recent message ‘Best you give this one a miss in that case’

I'd make a friendly but firm pinned post in the group, if that's a thing with Whatsapp. Something like, 'A few of us have been chatting and feel it would be great to have some ground rules to ensure that we all have the best hiking experience when we're out together.

1. Everyone is responsible for themselves- if you're sick or injured, sit this one out!
2. If you've borrowed any kit, please return it- a few members are waiting for their stuff back.
3. If you're given a lift, please provide reimbursement for the driver- 45p a mile maybe?

I'd also add some more rules, so that it doesn't feel so pointed, and a friendly sign off,.perhaps with an in-joke.

Does everyone else in the group feel the same way?

If they do just start a new group without her in it. Life’s too short to be spending time with people no-one likes

Just waiting on the ND excuses to arrive in this thread…

You all need to tell her that her attitude stinks and you’re all fed up with her, so you’ll be hiking without her from now on. Perhaps she should find a different group to join because yours is all out of unappreciated favours.

Exactly. Why the fuck are you all putting up with this nasty woman and not calling her out?

I will never understand threads like these, if this woman slapped you in the face would you apologise for making a mark on her hand- it sounds like it. Come on, you are grown adults - explain to her that her behaviour is rude and decline the lifts.

Honestly, OP, unless she's borrowed kit from you or is harassing you for lifts, it's up to other people how they deal with her endless requests. You're only responsible for your own behaviour. Refuse to take photos, give lifts or lend kit. If other people choose to, that's their choice.

I think I would just start a new group without her.

Also seems very fishy the original friend introduced her and then withdrew - almost like she was deliberately palming off Susan onto you all!

I think I would respond this time - “Susan it’s not a good idea to hike when injured and I for one can’t offer a lift or any help during the hike”

Then just quietly start a new group.

I know it seems mean not to tell her but she’s an adult and has had her whole life to become self aware. I don’t believe people are like this by accident. I am pretty sure they think they’re being clever or “having boundaries” (with a misunderstanding of the word boundaries!) or some such.

Through MN it seems like some people count kind friends like your group amongst their “assets” in life - “well I’ve got xyz to always give me lifts, let me use their holiday home, be free childcare” (delete as appropriate to the situation!). They know they’re doing it and literally seem to put it in their mental “bank”.

Yes, this, too. I mean, the OP seems to be complaining that no one else is objecting to her behaviour. The group sounds quite wet-lettuce-ish.