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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

580 replies

FierceForester90 · 07/03/2026 15:21

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

OP posts:
Unfenced · 07/03/2026 16:20

The thing is, OP, you're complaining about the 'older ladies' in your group being 'non-confrontational', but from what you've said on here, you've been equally non-confrontational, if the sum total of your actions has been fuming in silence about 'Susan'. If you think her behaviour is awful, tell her so. We can't do anything about it.

Pokko · 07/03/2026 16:22

Sorry OP, but could ye be more wet.

Message the other members and ask them would they like to be added to a new group.

As for Susan, cut her off for lumbering you with such a twat and then cutting loose.

I don't feel under any obligation to school other adults in basic manners.

Mute the other group and her.
It really isn't normal to tolerate such rudeness.

Pushmepullu · 07/03/2026 16:24

Give me her number, I’ll tell her for you!

Original poster
FierceForester90 · 07/03/2026 16:24

Unfenced · 07/03/2026 16:20

The thing is, OP, you're complaining about the 'older ladies' in your group being 'non-confrontational', but from what you've said on here, you've been equally non-confrontational, if the sum total of your actions has been fuming in silence about 'Susan'. If you think her behaviour is awful, tell her so. We can't do anything about it.

I totally agree with you. It just feels mean to tell her but then if I don't it will just continue.

OP posts:
Mingey · 07/03/2026 16:24

Bonkers1966 · 07/03/2026 15:35

You are all enabling this behaviour. How is she to know how pissed off you all are when nobody tells her? Many people are like this and continue to be like this because they get away with it. Accept it or do something about it. It's honestly not that complicated.

This

365RubyRed · 07/03/2026 16:25

Message back, in the group, so everyone sees, that she shouldn't assume others will automatically help her and take her to and from wherever you are going. She sounds a most unlikeable woman, but I do hope she's not on Mumsnet, because she will recognise herself immediately - and that would be a cruel way to find out people find you intolerable.

manysausages · 07/03/2026 16:26

I agree with Pokko, you don’t owe her an explanation, it’s not your responsibility to teach her manners.
You didn’t invite her to the group, nor ask her to stay. If you set up a chat without her, all you are doing is resetting to the original arrangement before you were so rudely disrupted.

Frugalgal · 07/03/2026 16:27

FierceForester90 · 07/03/2026 15:21

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Deliciously devious of the friend to bring her to the group in order to offload her and then skip off into the sunset.

You need to do the same. Join another group en masse, turn up once or twice to make it realistic, then drop her off the original group chat and carry on as you were without her.

At some point she will encounter a group of people who are not wet saps and who will point out the error of her ways to her.

TFImBackIn · 07/03/2026 16:28

It's easily done, OP. Just start a new group that doesn't include the other two and archive the other chat. Let her talk to herself on there if she wants.

Block the other two from seeing anything that's on social media.

If she does say something then you will just have to say that you didn't like the way she was behaving.

Jollyhockeystickss · 07/03/2026 16:30

KimHwn · 07/03/2026 15:46

I'd make a friendly but firm pinned post in the group, if that's a thing with Whatsapp. Something like, 'A few of us have been chatting and feel it would be great to have some ground rules to ensure that we all have the best hiking experience when we're out together.

  1. Everyone is responsible for themselves- if you're sick or injured, sit this one out!
  2. If you've borrowed any kit, please return it- a few members are waiting for their stuff back.
  3. If you're given a lift, please provide reimbursement for the driver- 45p a mile maybe?

I'd also add some more rules, so that it doesn't feel so pointed, and a friendly sign off,.perhaps with an in-joke.

Totally agree with this with a she pays the person the day before the event or no lift as i did this once and it was 40 miles and i gave this person a lift and they said they wouldnt psy me when we got there and got someone to.give them a lift back for free

Keroppi · 07/03/2026 16:30

Message a few closest ones who are anti Susan and tell them you are going to try and put her off as you can't do lifts for her any more ! And perhaps they could thumbs up or like your comment or reply saying "agree, no room in car here, sorry" after your message, so Susan gets the hint! Then send something like this:

"Hi Susan, sorry to hear about your injury. It might be best if you sit tomorrow out and let yourself heal fully. I know I have some niggles recently too and wouldn't be fully able to help you up and down.
Also I'm not sure if anyone is car sharing tomorrow and able to do lifts. Isn't the price of petrol crazy at the moment with all this going on!
Hope your injury heals well Susan and hope everyone is having a good weekend. X"

Skybunnee · 07/03/2026 16:30

Well don’t be subtle - say - on no Susan, you can’t come along and expect people to help you up and down thats extremely unfair. Only come along when you are fit.

hattie43 · 07/03/2026 16:31

Start a new group OP and make your plans there . If she comments on the original group to say it’s quiet one of you just needs to pop on and say, yes I assume everyone is busy .

bibliotek · 07/03/2026 16:32

Start a new group without them.

Skybunnee · 07/03/2026 16:33

All join the local Ramblers - then slowly slip away…..

deadpan · 07/03/2026 16:33

Sounds to me as though the original lady who introduced "Susan" knew what she was doing.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/03/2026 16:33

Can you add us all to the WhatsApp group and we can sort it out for you?

VictoriaEra · 07/03/2026 16:34

KimHwn · 07/03/2026 15:46

I'd make a friendly but firm pinned post in the group, if that's a thing with Whatsapp. Something like, 'A few of us have been chatting and feel it would be great to have some ground rules to ensure that we all have the best hiking experience when we're out together.

  1. Everyone is responsible for themselves- if you're sick or injured, sit this one out!
  2. If you've borrowed any kit, please return it- a few members are waiting for their stuff back.
  3. If you're given a lift, please provide reimbursement for the driver- 45p a mile maybe?

I'd also add some more rules, so that it doesn't feel so pointed, and a friendly sign off,.perhaps with an in-joke.

This is perfect.

ThejoyofNC · 07/03/2026 16:35

I'm on team start a new group. Fuck her, she's a CF.

MyDeftDuck · 07/03/2026 16:35

Start a separate group chat without her……..simple

Createausername1970 · 07/03/2026 16:37

FierceForester90 · 07/03/2026 15:40

She posted it about 4 hours ago and the group has been silent since then! I know we need to address it, I think we were hoping she would take the hint to be honest.

Show quote history

Then you need to take the bull by the horns and use this opportunity to say something.

"I can't speak for anyone else, Susan, but I don't think it would be appropriate for you to come if you need the level of help you are suggesting. I am certainly not trained to lift or support people, especially not on rough ground, and I would not want to either injure myself or cause additional injury to you".

Diosmonet · 07/03/2026 16:37

For goodness sake, so much fretting and deliberation for a person who isn't deserving of your time or consideration.

Just take the initiative and start another group. I am sure the others will be relieved you have done so.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/03/2026 16:38

Mapletree1985 · 07/03/2026 16:19

The kindest thing you can do is tell her. Maybe she'll improve, or maybe you'll have to dump her. The cruelest thing would be to ghost her, which is what people do when they only care about themselves.

They have been kind to her, by putting up with her shit. It works both ways. If she wants to be treated with kindness, then she shouldn't steal other people's stuff and cadge lifts off them, at minimum. It's not cruel to ghost someone who is not treating other people with basic respect.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2026 16:38

FierceForester90 · 07/03/2026 16:24

I totally agree with you. It just feels mean to tell her but then if I don't it will just continue.

Show quote history

"It just feels mean to tell her" - that she's a pain in the arse, she needs to give back the stuff she borrowed, she should be offering lifts as often as she demands them, and no we're not your fucking servants Susan?

No, it's not 'mean'. It's blunt, it's honest - it's necessary.

If being honest makes you feel 'mean', makes you feel you can't consider yourself to be a nice person any more - then you are destined to be the victim of the Susans of this world. Give yourself a shake! Tell her! Grow a spine and be honest.

You can sugar the pill a bit if you want (Susan, have you given back the X you borrowed from Y? I know she needs it back. Susan, why do you never offer lifts? It's give and take and you always seem to be taking, y'know? Susan, you can't expect people to act as sherpas for you - you're injured, obviously you're not coming!) but I suspect hints bounce off Susan's rhino hind.

So you're going to have to be a bit blunter. Just the facts you've posted here. 'Susan, you're all take and no give. Always expecting lifts and never offering. Not returning what you've borrowed, never a please, never a thank you. It's wearing, and frankly unwelcome - so, give back what you owe and let that be the end of it.'

And either remove her (and her ex-pal) from the group or start up a new Whatsapp. And that will be the end of it.

Gymbunny4 · 07/03/2026 16:39

Well that's easy to sort out
Set up another what's app group and don't add her