To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Life’s too short, if the rest of you get on and enjoy each others company start a new group chat or just remove her and if she asks why tell her.

She no longer has anything to do with her as far as I know. Shes still in the group but just doesn't come with us anymore so she can see all the comments and requests she makes! If we end up with a new group neither of them will be in it.

I stopped reading at ‘she never offers petrol money’. What adult thinks it’s acceptable to cadge lifts everywhere without contribution?

Just set up a new WhatsApp group and ghost her.

She sounds just like my autistic mother. She probably won't stop even if she's told. New group for you I'm afraid.

It would be irresponsible of her to go while injured and expect other people to carry her. That she even suggested it tells you everything you need to know about her.

Start a new chat with all your like-minded friends and don’t think twice about her.

Yes this is a good idea. Or setting up a new group without her is a bit pass aggressive but at least gets the job done

@FierceForester90 there's always one pest in a group! Put a reply on the original group saying that due to health and safety no one is permitted to assist an injured person on a hike. Then whoever loaned their equipment needs to ask for it back ASAP. Was it a lot of equipment and expensive to write off?
After this you should either remove her from the original group and everyone else needs to block her. Or make a new group and leave that one open.

It sounds like the original ‘friend’ has used you to unship Susan into.

😂 she totally planned on passing her burden of a friend onto you guys.

This happened to our group of friends (ex pats in a European country). We were 3 couples, then a 4th couple joined us. Turned out not to be a good fit. One of the original 6 rang husband of 4th pair- his wife was the 'problem'. It was a bit unpleasant short term, but then such a relief not to have to negotiate around all the issues of the 4th couple.

So sneaky I love it.

Bet that’s what she did

Then maybe the group as a whole isn't for you. 'Susan' annoys you because she's rude and demanding, and the other members annoy you because they meekly trot about giving her lifts, not requiring petrol money and the return of kit, and avoiding straight talking, and will possibly see you as the troublemaker if you call her out on her behaviour.

The only behaviour you can control here is your own.

I’d tell her it’s better not to come tomorrow and then on tomorrow’s peaceful hike discuss with the others what to do about Susan.

The problem is everyone in the group probably wants someone to deal with Susan, but nobody wants to be the person to do it.

As a pp said, CF’s behaviour is a result of a them being enabled to act as they do.

I simply cannot put up with crap like this so would probably just post something like “Susan, you need to sit this one out if you can’t hike independently and when you’re better, taking your turn to drive is well overdue (as is returning the kit you borrowed from Ann and Betty).”

I agree and the problem with starting another group is that then it shows a pattern of passive aggressiveness rather than open communication.

If I was in a group and they started another one just to exclude one person, every time the new group went quiet I would wonder if they had all joined a third group and left me out this time. Its doesn't give a great impression to the rest of the group.

Drop the old friend in it.

Maybe ex friend could bring you haven’t seen her In a while.

then make a new group still without either.

I would just make no bones about telling her what a pain in the arse she is when she behaves like that I'd set up a group with the other to see how people felt about her. If they felt the same then we could carry on without her, but I would at least tell her why.

I think the problem with starting a new chat is that Sussn would just message individuals from the group privately.

Most likely the more vulnerable members or the ones she thinks are an easy push over. This in return would split the group.

I like the idea of setting new ground rules as already suggested. Maybe add a point like taking turns in organising trips, something about punctuality, ....

And meanwhile the original woman who brought her to your group is having wonderful Susan-free weekends. She managed that one nicely. 😆😆
Sorry, haven't really got anything helpful to add.

She sounds like she misses social signals so sounds neurodiverse to me - talking at people rather than to or with people is a massive sign.

But that doesn’t mean you have to have her in the group.

I think you need to decide if she did all those things you said she doesn’t do … would you accept her in the group then? People who miss social signals need more direct communication. Ie ‘sorry we can’t help you up and down but we’ll see you when you are better. ‘A lift is fine but you need to contribute so it would be X’. ‘You borrowed X from X you need to bring it back next trip’.

My suggestion is be more direct with her and if it’s still not working then make a move to change the structure of the group. But tell her this just don’t ghost her as that would be cruel her not knowing what’s happening and why.

People like this are really thick skinned. She will just find another group to latch onto and take advantage of.

Talking to her about it won't make a difference. She doesn't care.

Start a new group without the two of them. Her friend might have known and deliberately set Susan onto you so she could escape!

At this point, if she’s been allowed to behave like this and you have all just spoke about her behaviour behind her back but not telling her directly how poorly she’s behaving, then she will carry on until told. She might be a CF but she’s not a mind reader. I don’t understand why everyone is still carrying on doing it all? Say ‘susan, are you able to drive yourself on Saturday ? Either that or arrange your own lift there and back? I’ve got xyz in my car as it’s my turn to do the driving next week as we have been taking it in turns to make it fair.’ Or ‘ no sorry I do have spare kit but it’s spare incase I have an emergency? If I lend it out then I no longer have my spare and I don’t want to risk that’ or ‘ if you have an injury I’d leave it this time, whilst it will be a shame for you to miss out, if we all have to help you with things and not do the hike as planned then all of us end up missing out aswell and that doesn’t work for anyone’ . Need to put boundaries in place from now and start pushing back, either that or just create a new group and slowly distance yourselves.

I would take this opportunity to push back, say something like, ahhh sounds like it will impact quite a bit on everyones enjoyment else for you to come, best leave it, and see how she reacts. She might take the hint and pull her socks up or she might lash out but it's time to start bringing it to a head and as other people have said if necessary be honest and point out to her that she has been grabby and ungrateful and people are getting worn down

The kindest thing you can do is tell her. Maybe she'll improve, or maybe you'll have to dump her. The cruelest thing would be to ghost her, which is what people do when they only care about themselves.

this is really sensible