To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

I think it’s a cautionary tale for parenting too. If you’re too indulgent and don’t teach them to be mindful of how they come across to
others and how to behave in a group you risk them turning out like this and their peers won’t put up with what a loving mum would put up with.

Both mine are late teen now and are so so careful with their friendship groups. Can’t believe how she has behaved.

I wonder if the original friend will start attending again now 🤔

I feel kind of sorry for Susan now. Maybe she genuinely did not realise she was rude, and hasn’t been told beforehand with enough clarity to maybe amend her behaviour.

I don’t condone her behaviour, by the way. She’s a cheeky fucker.

I would maybe have felt sorry for her if her reply had been any kind of version of “sorry”! I’ve known people like that in situations that were much less extreme than OP’s, and they never apologised; instead, they were put out that their personal convenience had been impaired.

The introductory friend remains in our group and has not commented as yet

I think there is a way to see if she has read the message, swipe left or something?

That is optional - I've disabled it on my WhatsApp because my teenage daughter was too damned annoying, demanding I respond within seconds of reading it.

I really think the woman who added her should have been removed too.
She is not trustworthy and she has no business being allowed to stay due to her behaviour.
She can now screenshot any comments.
Remove her.

To just add someone to an established group is extremely rude IMO.

I agree. She did not behave like a friend.

Those of you who don't want her in the group need to get a grip and tell her it's not on. Why are you worrying about seeming "nasty" when you are all bitching about her anyway? Get on with it or carry on being miserable about her. Up to you.

Read the updates.

Should have added “Or not. Up to you.”

😂

It’s very easy, just remover her from the group.

Have you read the thread?

Susan is not actually the friend of anyone in the group, so just start a new one between the actual friends, let the existing chat fall by the wayside, and block her. You don't owe her anything.

Maybe it's because I have a similar Susan in my life but I think you've done the right thing. Some people do seem to think they can say and do whatever they want without any repercussion but are quick to get annoyed if they are given the same energy in return.

Yes, one of you could have a chat with her, but experience tells me she probably wouldn't have liked it and wouldn't have taken the feedback on board tbh.

Life's too short - I hope everyone gets back the items that she 'borrowed'!

The reason for her being a rude, entitled, thieving scrounger doesn't seem to me to make her any less unpleasant for the other twenty people in the group she has decided to be a parasite in.

(Why should being on the autistic spectrum cause someone to steal? In my experience it hasn't, and I think it's pretty insulting to people on that spectrum to throw that communications disability in as an excuse for someone being a thief.)

I do not subscribe the the doctrine that "to understand all is to forgive all"; it falls over when you realise that understanding Stalin or Putin is all very well, but there is no reason why their dead or tortured victims should be left out of the equation, and it's not my job to forgive those two murderous dictators. That's the extreme end to which this doctrine inevitably tends.

I'm sorry but you are DREAMING!

Who has a life where conflict only ever happens in the workplace?!

At this point, if none of you have the balls to speak up, I suggest you all just accept it.

It's ridiculous to be out here moaning while refusing to do the adult thing and speak to her.

I can understand what you are saying but she isn't there friend. She's been dumped on them. I'd be contacting her original friend and ask why she added her then f off.

I also don't think it's a good idea for the occasional message on the original WhatsApp and occasional meet up with her. I think they should either be honest with her about everything or cut her loose altogether. There's no point with random messages just to make it look like they still want to include her

I can understand what you are saying but she isn't there friend. She's been dumped on them. I'd be contacting her original friend and ask why she added her then f off.

I also don't think it's a good idea for the occasional message on the original WhatsApp and occasional meet up with her. I think they should either be honest with her about everything or cut her loose altogether. There's no point with random messages just to make it look like they still want to include her

I'm autistic and I'm fed up with this. I'm the opposite of rude, a previous employer actually called me hyper polite. People are rude because they're rude, not because they're autistic.

or just do as OP has done and kick her out. Much simpler than your yards of word salad.

Wow nobody has suggested that in the 500+ messages in the last 2 days

The autistic people I know are amongst the politest people I've ever met and have impeccable manners.

Same here. Lovely people who would never offend.

All of this.