To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Start a new group.
If you don’t see her outside of planning hikes it’s quite easy to distance yourself from her.

Really appreciate the update OP.
It has been an interesting discussion re how much we should have to labour to accommodate someone who appears not to do any self development work themselves.
As you say, this group was were you relax away from other responsibilities and this person was imposed on you all. Would like to be a fly on the wall observing a frank convo with the person who added them,lol.
I hope you have tweeked the admin so no one can add anyone else without group discussion.

Message her saying your cars in for a service so you'll hop in with her coz she hasn't driven anytime so it's her turn. See what she says. If she say no then tell her she'll have to make her own way there then as all other car spaces are full. keep doing it until she gets the hint.

Thanks for the update OP. Sounds like you handled it in an authentic and honest manner. Susan hasn’t been left wondering why the groups gone quiet and perhaps will undertake some self reflection into group etiquette. Agree with previous comment about ensuring no one else can be added without group consent! Good luck getting the things back!

I hope I'm wrong and she doesn't end up messaging others.

Very awkward but well done for saying something. You and the rest of the group will feel so relieved in the long run.

Just refuse the lifts etc. she's a grown woman and can use an Uber or taxi. Ignore all her dodgy requests and if you all do that she'll have to either stop making them or get so annoyed she never sees or speaks to you. Both of which work.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if people can RTF? Maybe they could also assume that after close to 2000 posts, maybe pointing out the obvious has already been done.

FINALLY!!

You had a conversation with her to explain why her behaviour has led to her being removed from the WhatsApp group.

It’s a shame you didn’t do this a long time ago and give her the opportunity to reflect and possibly change.

I run a women’s group where the average age is over 70. There are 12 of us in the group and we meet weekly. There have been two difficult women in the 10yrs we’ve been running and both incidents happened within the last 6 months. In both cases, I’ve had to speak to the women directly and I asked 1 to leave and the other one sulked when she was called out for meddling and voluntarily removed herself from the group in a strop. Although, I think she did it expecting some of the group members to rally to her side, but no-one has. 😂

Well done, OP! You deserve a stiff drink and a medal. I hope this is the end of it and she doesn’t keep pestering you all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing said

Also seems very fishy the original friend introduced her and then withdrew - almost like she was deliberately palming off Susan onto you all!

and I totally agree 😛what a clever thing to do

It’s really mean! Disrupting a nice calm group by off loading a known nightmare on them.

Hopefully she'll go away and reflect on her manners so she wony ruin the next group she joins.

I agree.
iI was being flippant when I commented.

Well done OP, bet that was super-awkward but I bet you feel relieved now. You’re the group hero!

Blimey she noticed that quickly. Had someone told her @FierceForester90 ?

Haven’t read whole thread. But I applaud you being direct - it’s always kinder to have a direct conversation with someone vs all resenting them. It feels initially worse to have to tackle it - but ultimately everyone, even her, is best served by direct comms.

Well done, OP. I think she's gone off in a massive sulk. She doesn't sound like someone who will reflect on her behaviour and try to change it in the future. You're all better off without her.

if you’re worried about her slagging you off over social media I would suggest ringing her instead. She can spin a message being sent to her and take it in bad faith. If you speak to her your tone can be adjusted and she’ll probably disarm her as it appears no one has actually took her to task

It’s very interesting and I do wonder if she’s just very thick skinned or if there is something else at play. Fair play to you for removing and explaining. I don’t think I could be so direct.

Well done for being so direct. Despite the many messages on here I think few people IRL would have actually removed her from the group AND told her the real reason why. (I do feel a bit sorry for her though - unless she’s a psychopath what’s happened is going to hurt. I was ditched by a group of friends 25 years ago - I was told to my face - and I can recall every detail like it was yesterday)

I don't think so - it came up in the group chat feed that I'd removed her not sure if she got something that alerted her to it.

The other admin did put a message into the chat explaining what we had done it. The responses we got were all supportive and some said it was a relief.

The introductory friend remains in our group and has not commented as yet. We've turned on admin approval for new members - we're always happy to add people if they've started to come out with us but it just gives the breathing space to check its right for everyone.

Many lessons learned from this and its been really interesting reading everyone's perspective so thank you all.

@FierceForester90 I run a few groups on Facebook and have admin approval for members and posts. Had a few who just want to sell stuff...blocked!
Best wishes going forward. It must be such a relief.

I almost feel sorry for her! Though she does sound very annoying. Please let us know if she says anything else because I'm invested now.

Before I carry on just to let you know that I have read all of your updates, and I know the situation is now dealt with.

I just wanted to reply to this post, and to say that in my opinion, you perhaps could have had a word with her when you saw her 1:1 to pick the equipment up. I don't think it would be singling her out to have a word in private about how her behaviour is being received by others in the group. I'm definitely not coming at this from a place of lecturing you, I have been in groups that have had a problem with a single member, and I've gone along with the just make a new group thing several times. My go to tends to be to avoid the group for a while or to remove myself completely, which isn't any healthier an option!

There is one person in our group who thinks its not right to do this without having the conversation with her about why, but she doesn't want to have the conversation!

I think that's how a lot of people feel in this sort of situation. Earlier on in the thread you said there were a lot of older ladies who don't like confrontation in the group, and that's the nub of it in most social circles. Very few people are comfortable with confrontation and would rather avoid it. The trouble is that sometimes the right thing to do really is to have an uncomfortable conversation, knowing that it's likely not going to be received well.