To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

[FierceForester90]

This is long sorry, but needed for context.

I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.

We have a Whatsapp group to plan stuff - a couple of years ago one of our friends brought her friend 'Susan' to a hike and invited her to the Whatsapp. Since then the original lady has stepped back from joining us, but Susan has remained with us.

She is unfortunately quite a rude and difficult lady. She can drive, but doesn't - a group of us car share but she never offers and assumes she can have a lift without asking.

In the earlier days she came on a weekend away, she borrowed kit from others that she has still not returned, did not drive or offer any fuel money, and insisted that two separate people in the group called her before the trip to go through the weekends plan in great detail (I was over an house on the phone). She talks non stop and often speaks over other people.

In more recent times she has asked one of the group for a lift to a hike, when the person she asked wasn't well enough to do it herself, suggesting that she 'stayed warm in the car' while she went out with others. Last week an outing was arranged an her response was 'I'll tag along with XXX" no please, no thank you, no 'do you mind?'

She demands photos are taken of her but never offers to return the favour. She has in the past messaged people away from the main group saying how disappointed she is if she sees anyone has been out without her.

Susan is currently injured, and yesterday a message went into the group chat about going out tomorrow. Her response was 'I'll come but I need a lift and help to get up and down things'. No please, no thank you, no w'would anyone be OK o help me'.

We are at a point where some people just won't post plans in the chat anymore because of her behaviour and lack of manners. I'd love to just remove her from the group but it feels mean.

AIBU to feel that her behaviour is awful and just be totally fed up with it?

Yess, it’s a shame it wasn’t dealt with as it happened.
The let down if the woman is unaware would have been less.

So, she got a message. All this woman will do is roll through the list of contacts in the group one by one re-litigating the situation, as is her habit. (Publicly told: "No, you can't have a lift/shouldn't go." Privately messages.)

I hope that this doesn't go on too long, OP, and end up spoiling the group for everyone.

Well done OP you can now go back to enjoying your hikes.

Create a new group without her.

I also want to know how she’s responding as I think she’s going to start messaging every member individually

People like this have a wonderful way of twisting the facts

"I was part of a hiking group that I thought was a safe place for women to support each other. I asked for a bit of extra help after I was injured and was removed from the group without warning - and them PMd separately with a list of my alleged crimes. Like borrowing some swim stuff I hadn’t gotten around to returning yet" It would be very and flowery, and they'll always leave out little details like the borrowing was well over a year ago and it had been asked for back repeatedly

OP I hope she just slinks away quietly, but even if she does attack like this people on her Social media will know what she's like! It's best not in engage

I wonder will she reply. @FierceForester90 it’s so maddening in a group when 1 person behaves like this, it becomes such an infuriating niggle in your head

Yeah, I’d advise people to block her both on WhatsApp and on social media.

Well done. Whilst it feels horrible it is kinder for her to know the truth. Though arguably it would have been better to have told her the truth earlier and given her a chance to try to rectify her behaviour.

No, I'm autistic but I'm not rude.

Start a new WhatsApp group and leave the old one! Life to short for her shit x

That cannot be the final update.

How did she take it?!

From what you describe it sounds like she is on the autism spectrum. If so her rudeness is not deliberate as such. It might help to do a rota of giving lifts to make sure she takes her turn. Maybe she's nervous, or maybe she's just tight or lazy, I don't know. It would be kinder to try to explain things to her and try to include her.

RTFT!

I voted YABU for not just calling her out whenever this happens. Pussyfooting around these types of people never works, they don't take hints. Just remove her from the group.

OP - you still have to face her when you collect the swimming stuff 🙈 Hope all goes well.

Hats off to the original friend who palmed Susan off on all of you in the first place, I say

Yes, she's quite the operator.

I can understand your decision but am interested in how you explained it in your message to her and wether she responded in any way.

did you get a response from Susan? I think you have dealt with it the best you could.

You didn’t ghost her, you didn’t call her out in the group chat but you did tell her which does take courage when you don’t like confrontation

Hind sight is a wonderful thing but nipping it in the bud earlier would have been much simpler but you always try to give people the benefit of the doubt (I do anyway). Hopefully this makes things a little more peaceful in the group.

also kind of feels like the person who invited her then ducked out did this knowing what they were doing 🤣🤣

I wonder if she is autistic?

Yes because everybody with a horrible personality who is a cheeky fucker is autistic.
Being autistic makes you feel entitled to people's time and energy for sure. I think they're putting it into the DSM vi.

I once had an autistic female friend who behaved EXACTLY like this. Even when it was pointed out to her, she couldn't really grasp why it was wrong.

This lady is behaving in SUCH an odd way there probably is a reason behind it. She clearly wants to be in the friendship group but does not seem to have any idea of how to behave so that people want her there.

I wouldn't stay friends with her either, but its still a bit sad to see people implode their own lives like this.

Well, this has certainly been suggested many times on here, and certainly refuted.
We've no way of knowing, other than to suggest that many autistic women mask well and are often anxious about following social cues. This person just seems very insensitive and self obsessed.

Ok, so an update. Within 5 minutes of taking her out of the group she had called me on WhatsApp and sent several messages saying had she been removed by accident. I was sorting the kids when she rang but did make sure I responded to her messages quickly.

I explained why she had been removed, giving examples which directly involved me. I said our group should be built on respect and politeness and she wasn't really sitting with that ethos. Her response was blunt, just 'oh i didn't realise I was rude'. She left it at that so I just replied to reiterate that id collect the stuff this week.

As of now she hasn't messaged anyone off the side and I haven't seen anything on socials. I do agree we should have dealt with it far sooner but equally the group had run for 4 years without any issues like this and so I just didn't know how to approach it.