Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

But how do you know you want to marry them without living together first? I'd never consider marriage without having lived with someone first!

How much of his savings has he said he’s going to use towards the deposit?

Things are different if you have dc. Trial it and see

Yes you’re correct but you should be able to trial living together without having to give up the security of owning your home.

He has the upper hand financially and if things were to go wrong it wouldn’t matter to him much and he’d just return to the propert he owns yet yours and your children lives would be turned upside down.

If he really cared for you he’d be willing to move into your home you’re in now for a year to see how you all get on. The whole needing an extra room as an office can be worked around. He’s just using that as an excuse.

You try it out without all the commitment stuff.
Rent and see how it goes.
Your kids should be your number one priority- don’t mess it up.

Honestly op, I just wouldn’t do this. There’s so much inequality. It’s just a recipe for disaster. I wouldn’t be giving up my assets for such a risky relationship

He may well be testing you to see if you’re with him for the right reasons (ie not money). Explain to him as you have here how you will be worse off financially. That he will surely understand.. and just say for that reason it doesn’t work for you.

I think he’s using you to get a four bedroom house, quite frankly.

You think a high earner with a mortgage free property and £250k in the bank requires someone on £35k to buy a bigger home?

He doesn’t want to sell his flat and he’s happy for OP to use some of her house proceeds to pay for the deposit or some of it, leaving her in a vulnerable place. He loves money but not spending it, so it’s not a question of him being able to buy a four bedroom house (although a four bedder in some parts of the south east would be a stretch even with his earnings and a £250k deposit). He just doesn’t want to.

Which is fair enough. He’s let the OP he’s not offering the full Cinderella package, he’s laid out what he’s prepared to pay for and how OP has to work out if this is what she wants.

I think this is a bit harsh. Op will be significantly worse off by moving in with him. He could at least acknowledge that. I really don't see what OP is getting out of this arrangement - certainly not a better standard of living it seems.

I'm not saying he should pay for all their clubs, childcare etc but someone that would begrudge paying towards a child's share of rent, heating etc when they more than have the means to do so,

He will be paying 50% of bills even though there’s one of him and three of OP’s family. How much more do you want him to pay?!

If it was a father and his two kids moving in with OP, would you expect OP to pay more than 50%?

Would she be worse off?

Currently she pays 100% of bills with some UC and child benefit.

Living with someone means she will be making significant savings on bills, which should make up for the UC and CB.

OP has already said she will be worse off. Her half of the new mortgage will be more than her current mortgage. Doubtful whether halving the bills will offset the loss of top up benefits and child benefit. He's already having a laugh financially. He eats at OP's house often. Doesn't cook or contribute to food. Takes her for the odd pub meal. He doesn't clean and doesn't plan to clean. How much more do you need to know? He earns 3 times as much but will pay 50%. The children are only with OP every other week.

I would NEVER risk my children's home.
As suggested above.
Let the mean man move in ifbyou are determined to, and he can pay rent for bills etc.
He can rent an office space.

Absolute madness to even consider risking your childrens home for a mean man that lives free at yours 3 days a week and sometimes buys you a pub meal, and sees keeping a home clean beneath him.
You must be sadly desperate.
Madness.

But they need a house with two additional bedrooms to house OP’s kids. So
not sure why the new mortgage cost is his fault?

OP has said he is moving to an area he wouldn’t ordinarily live in, to accommodate OP’s family.

Him not cooking and cleaning is a separate issue, I wouldn’t move in with someone like that.

Neither of you are unreasonable.
He's protecting his financial position ( as he should).
You have two dc to consider.
If you want to live together, why does it need to be in a house that is outside your affordability.
Surely you buy one that is within the budget of the lower earner.

Agreed. If the OP's half of the mortgage will be more than her current full mortgage for her 2 bedroom house, I'm guessing he's being quite specific about what kind of house he's willing to move into. I believe OP said he said it had to be a 4 bedroom house. It doesn't seem like compromise is his strong suit.

I think she is losing about 750 a month in benefits and can't imagine she will be saving that by paying 50% of the mortgage and bills in a house that's double the size. She will have to meet the cost of the childcare herself as it doesn't sound like he will contribute and the loss of CB is solely due to his earnings, but again he is not taking that onto consideration.

I think he is compromising. OP says ‘He is going to have to move to the area I currently live in as I need to stay near the kids school, so he is giving up the area that he grew up in and loves so there is some sacrifice on his part.’

OP said her and kids have outgrown their current home as it’s a two bed and her kids are desperate not to share anymore.

And her partner needs a WFH space which he currently has, so it wouldn’t be fair for OP to have two bedrooms for her kids but he doesn’t get a room for his WFH.

You need to marry before you move. You need a legal agreement that secures your payments into the shared household, so that if things go wrong you get your money back. 50/50 is reasonable in a marriage, if both partners can afford it. Otherwise it is ungenerous and possibly a bit unkind. Is it possible that he is uncertain about committing to this? Nail him down. Wedding, small or one where costs reflect the relative wealth of the two parties. Life is no rehearsal. Good luck

If you that close to each other, you need to have an honest conversation about finances. If he wants a 'high-end' lifestyle, he must understand you cannot afford to match him, especially as you have 2 kids to pay for (why no child support from the father?).

My partner and I have been together for 9 years, and we started our relationship with a detailed understanding of our financial circumstances. We got all the potentially awkward stuff out of the way early on because we'd both had past partner financial issues. We know what each has financially and share the same wealth management company. We have a joint account which we contribute to for daily expenses; food, eating out, dogs... but we pay our own utilities, insurance, etc. We each have a house. My partner's son lives with us, and she pays more into our account for his food.

He’s getting a great deal if this goes ahead. He’ll be going from a flat to a house, aided by OP. Unless he’s living in a really expensive part of the country, he could have done that already, but was probably too tight to. He gets to keep the flat as an occasional WFH space / bolt hole / potential BTL and even though he earns triple what OP does, he wants everything split 50/50, thus leaving him every month with a ton of his favourite thing - MONEY. Add to the deal him getting a live-in chef. I don’t see any compromise on his side.

Would the answers be the same if the OP was a high earner buying a large house with a man who has two DC.