Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

I'd be telling her to protect her financial interests.

This man is doing just that. But if they move in, OP will be significantly worse off financially and so will her kids. They might have separate bedrooms but this relationship seems a bit tenuous. The kids will be adversely impacted also by having less funding available for university because of the live-in having a high income. How is OP going to support 2 in university with higher living expenses and lower income?

She can't afford this guy.

I agree and I also think she’s in a good position now.

Men like this seek out desperate women.
There is something particularly odious about a man that is happy to leech off a single parent 3 nights a week, and throw her the odd bone of a pub meal out, like he's being generous 🙄.

Happy to have all the comforts of a single parent, but everything 50/50 while he banks loads of money.

He has his bolthole and a woman to keep house and pay 50/50.

I feel so sorry for her children whom she seems so ready to play roulette with their security.

A larger house costs money to maintain and she is on the hook for half of it.

Given you are going to incur financial loss, and tbh, the proposal for you having to pay back amount while you wait for your house to be sold would put you in further financial distress. Wouldnt more caring and loving option be dont buy until your place is sold and you have equities pooled in such you dont need much mortgage? Btw Im a single mom with 2 teenagers and my monthly bills are only 10% lower than my partners’s who I dont live with. So its not that much more. This is not equal by any means and I would not put all my financials eggs with this kind of person.

Don't move in with him. Let him come and stay at URS as much as he likes. Keep your financial issues separate from his. He already sees u and Ur kids as financial liability, hence laying boundaries u r not happy with. Protect yourself and Ur children. He probably wants a woman to cook and clean for him and do all the domestic stuff but he wants 50/50 financiallt from u. Things situation has red flags all over it. Date him, but just don't change Ur set up because of him. Could go very sour very quickly.

I would say, stay as you are for the time being as moving together would mean either you would financially loose out and him as well to a lesser degree, moving in with someone else children is not easy.
You can review the situation when your children have grown up as there is too much of an imbalance atm.

Similar position as you were but my partner moved in with me and rented his house out. I was going to be losing out on £400 UC so it seemed unfair that I would not benefit whatsoever if he just paid half the bills and he would be considerably better off (almost 1k) we split the difference so both better off by equal amount.
My house is mine and my boys security after my divorce and I'd never make myself vulnerable. In an ideal world we have a home that we both bought together but I don't fancy a massive mortgage either. If it doesn't sit right don't do it. Rent somewhere together or he moves in for a while

Maybe rent out your property or sell and invest the money.
Then let him buy the new house and pay all the mortgage, split the bills.
And when in time you want to get married then you can be put on the house deeds and pay a bit more. By then you might have been able to save a little and feel more financially able.
If the relationship fails you can purchase a new property for you and the kids and he's left with his house.

Don't sell your house! That is your and DC security for the future.
In fact, I wouldn't live with him full stop. He's rolling in it, you're not but he is accounting for every penny he spends over 50%.
Doesn't work like that in a real relationship.
I really think you'd regret it

This really isn't what the post was about, but I'll respond anyway. I said he would be the one doing the cleaning if/when we live together, and would also have a cleaner due to us both having busy lives. I don't think it's that unreasonable to have one person responsible for cleaning and one for cooking. Also I never said it was the odd pub meal I simply said if we go out it's somewhere like the local pub, not somewhere extravagant, and it's usually once a week spending in the region of £100 so I don't actually think me then paying for up to 3 home cooked meals (that I'd be doing anyway and simply need to buy a bit extra for) is remotely close to what he spends on our meals, but we both like going out and I like cooking so it works for us. But like I say, this post wasn't about our distribution of labour, his parents, his desire to have or not have own children, or how extravagant/frugal our lifestyle is, it was a question about whether a 50/50 split of bills is reasonable. The deposit would be paid entirely by him, I don't think I ever actually spelled it out but as I said I have no savings and wouldn't necessarily sell my house straight away I thought that was obvious.

Would you own the house 50/50, it isn’t obvious about him paying the deposit?

Would you own it 50/50?

If you’re really going to go ahead with this, he should have his deposit legally protected and then you should own the house 50/50.

If you were to split he’d get his deposit back and you’d split any profit 50/50.

Yes it sounds fair splitting the bills 50/50 because you’re bringing 3 people to the home and he’s only 1. There’s also to factors of needing a certain sized house in a certain area for you and your children’s needs.

I still stand by my statement that you shouldn’t sell your house though. If you’re not contributing to the house deposit why do you need to? Rent it out and have yourself some security behind you, just like he does with the property he’s not selling.

I too am interested in whose name / names the house will be in.

Obviously his deposit would be ring fenced, then 50/50 on payments and proceeds. Obviously.

I’m not reading ‘us’ in any of his proposals. I’m reading me and you. And he’s making it really clear that he has every intention of protecting all his assets, not being a penny out of pocket, definitely not contributing anything towards the cost of raising your children … you want to be with him why? This is a man who values money over your relationship. He’s showing you who he is and he’s organising his exit strategy up front.

Why should he be contributing towards the cost of raising these children when they have two capable parents who are already financially raising them?

They’ll all be living under the same roof for 50% of the time. What happens if they go out for a meal? Should she pay 3/4 of the bill and 3/4 of the tip? Or would that be halved? Family holidays? Is that all pro rata? Because he’s absolutely not viewing them as a family unit. Everyone to their own but I couldn’t accept that. When someone is SO blatantly money focused I believe it’s only the visible tip of a selfish iceberg. She earns considerably less than him. She will lose her UC & child benefit but he’s not seeing any of that … he wants 50/50 and essentially zero commitment to her dependents.

Hes willing to move to a different area and buy a bigger house than he would need to accommodate the OP and her children.

The OP has already stated that they eat out regularly and he foots the bill for them all.

Having the mindset that hes a red flag because he won’t financially support her children is wrong. These children have two parents financially supporting them, why do they need a third?

OP has already stated that her kids currently share a bedroom and their lives and home are going to be massively upgraded because of the OPs partner buying this new house.

Is it not enough for step parents to be asked to live with and take on children that aren’t their own which is difficult enough, you want to add on the fact they have to take on the financial burden of them.

He’s willing to move to a different area and buy a bigger house than he would need to accommodate the OP and her children.

So why do you think he hasn’t already bought a house when he could have easily done so? Because he’s been waiting for someone to move in with to pay 50/50 with bills - financially he massively benefits because he has a load of disposable income every month, as he has now.

He foots the bill in restaurants because he wants to go to places she can’t afford and wants to go out more often.

The idea of someone having to ‘take on’ children that aren’t their own is sad to me. He knew she had children when she met him. He didn’t meet them for a year. They apparently love him and him them. But they aren’t his responsibility. Does that just end with financial support? Or emotional support?

To me, the entire process appears to be fixated on protecting what is HIS. Making sure he is not out of pocket in any respect. The OP is questioning whether to stay in the relationship. I would be too.

I’m happy to agree to disagree with you.

He already owns a home that he’s paid the mortgage off on.

What’s your point? Mine is that he’s tight and obsessed with money. Also the flat has smaller outgoings than a four bedroom house, so better for him with his miser mindset.

Of course he'll end up out of pocket, he'll be using his savings to pay for a deposit, then potentially half of a mortgage when he currently has no mortgage to pay.

Why would someone buy a house when they live on their own, even if they can afford it? He hasn't because a flat has met his needs up til now.