DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

It sounds like you are tech averse and are pushing this on to your daughter. I am 66 and have a smart phone and lots of stuff is more convenient with it like banking, travel, whats app communications,music, news, emails when out and about, maps plus of course phones and camera. At 15 the majority of her friends will have one and the reason she may not be pushing is because she knows you are dead set against them. As an adult I am surprised you don’t have one. Many airlines are doing away with paper boarding passes and train tickets are so much easier with one.

Personally I would get her a smart phone with controls but not an expensive one so you can see how she uses it with supervision. What is the mentality not allowing her one? They are not only used for social media. Your Dsis was overstepping to get her one without asking you and I don’t think it was great to knock your gifts as you know your DD best but I would have a discussion with your DD to find out whether she really doesn’t want to be like her friends or is just trying to keep you happy.

So many of the CEO’s of phone companies and app developers don’t allow their teenagers to have smartphones.

It’s a really dangerous addiction to put in the hands of a child.

What a generous gift your sister tried to give!

Mine didnt get them till they were 16 and only on the understanding that they paid the bills .

OP ur the parent. Your sister should have checked with you first. Giving a 14 yr old a £800 phone is madness. Also I agree with you - my DD won't be getting a smart phone till she is 16. She is nearly 12 now and will have a dumb phone till then. I do not want her scrolling through the absolute shite there is online and on social media. We have tablets and laptops at home to use. At the moment she happily spends her weekends crafting. If I give her a phone now she would be spending hours of the day lookking at nonsense on tiktok.

💯

But it seems 40% of overnight MNers know better so perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it's a really dangerous addiction to put in the hands of anybody!

Haha ok if you believe that 🤣

Phones are so bad for growing brains, the research is clearly showing the damage it can do. I’d say if she isn’t too bothered then great. It’s addictive, delay it as much as you can. My dd’s are older now, they didn’t get smartphones until they were maybe 14/15 and they didn’t have tiktok. Luckily my eldest listens to me when I talk to her about research I’ve read about the downfalls of smartphones and she’s really listening. She’s now reading more and spends far less time on her phone.

For anyone interested there’s a great podcast episode from diary of a ceo Steven Bartlett talking to two Dr’s about brain rot/scrolling and smartphones. Dated 16 feb. An eye opener and also terrifying.

ETA - your sister needs to mind her own business!

You’re ahead of the curve OP so don’t worry about it.

Replace the iPhone in the scenario with anything else and any sane person will tell you it’s not’s SIL’s place to give something you’ve already said she can’t have. Undermining you.

There’s a huge backlash against smartphones in the naice areas around here. It’s seen as a bit scummy to give them to under 16s, terrible parenting etc. My children are older (early 20s) and giving them smartphones was seen as the normal thing to do but they agree wholeheartedly with their aunt who isn’t giving their cousin one until he’s 16.

I found my old Filofax from when I was travelling around Australia recently.

It had a notebook, an Australian guidebook and paper maps of a few cities.

I was 19 and travelled the whole way around Brisbane to Adelaide (via Sydney and Melbourne).

It made me realise how many skills I’ve traded in for convenience by being so reliant on my phone now.

It was a time capsule and a real wake up call. Now I get panicky if I go to a neighbouring city and my phone dies!

Shocking that people are saying give her a smartphone because she will stick out like a sore thumb, and calling her a teenager rather than a child. She is a child. She does not need a smart phone, and she has not asked for one. They are extremely addictive and dangerous, surely we all know this by now. We are all addicted to them as a society, and watching children OP's daughters age walk along scrolling not talking to their friends is not a childhood. I am in my late 20s with a young child and there is a growing movement amongst my age group to give our children phone free childhoods. Hold out for as long as you can OP, more and more parents are choosing this and collectively can make a difference despite what some people say.

You’re a burnt out grandparent, surely.

To use the much hated on MN phrase ‘DH said…’…. But DH is one of these 😁 honestly I watched so many of DS’s friends zombied on their phones walking out of (primary!!!!) school yesterday, not looking where they’re going, walking into people, into the road, it’s a totally different world they get sucked back into instantly.

Do you give your family members such expensive presents, OP, must cost a fortune if you have a few to give to

Personally, I wouldn't make the choices that you're making. I preferred to let my dd have the latest technology and to support her to learn how to manage her own relationship with it. As a young adult, she is certainly not a slave to her phone and she is well aware of the need to manage her usage, but she does find it very useful for many different purposes.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter if I or others disagree with your stance. It doesn't even matter if your sister disagrees with your stance. Ultimately, you are the parent and it's your decision. Your sister presumably knew how you felt and she should never have very bought the iPhone without consulting you first.

I'm honestly baffled that people are having a go at you for not getting your child a smartphone. Has all the stuff around a smartphone free childhood passed them by? All the young adults who say they wish they'd never had access to social media when they were teens? Parental controls can only do so much. Yes she'll probably want and need a phone when she's a bit older, but it's not essential. I know a couple of people my age (40s) who have gone back to a basic phone and they seem to be managing fine.

OP, go with it. Your sister is mad, both to encourage phone use and to buy such an expensive one.

Interesting OP

Your sister is out of line.

FWIW my DD15 has very strict restrictions on her phone due to her being given a smart phone end of year 6 and unfortunately just became completely addicted to the phone very quickly. We tried lots of incentives for her to lower her screen time but she just couldn’t do this herself and we noticed she became very difficult to be around after scrolling on her phone for hours.

We have since then activated the content and privacy restriction toggle (with a screen time password) so she can’t download any new apps. And there are very strict time controls on the apps we have jointly agreed she can download. However, she has unlimited music, travel apps, news etc.

The interesting thing is that most of her friends have similar parental control settings on their phones and a couple of her friends have no social media apps on their phones at all. She has a great social life as do her friends with zero social media.

Interestingly, she happened to be out with a group and of girls she doesn’t normally hang out with last weekend and she commented when she got home that it was quite a different experience from how she usually socialises with her friends. She said alL the girls were lovely, but she was stunned how they all sat individually at their social event on their phones. Apparently, just occasionally one of them would share an in joke on tik tok they’d all say the in joke (like 6 7 hahaha) then they all carried on staring at their phones.

My DD likes these girls but said she finds it really difficult to hang around with groups who are addicted to their phones because they don’t, generally, have proper conversations.

This may just be my DD’s school experience but I suppose it makes sense. Phones are hugely addictive, so all those kids that have unlimited access will likely find the phone and social media’s influence and in jokes their common ground so they make friends with other kids who scroll for hours. And visa versa.

Not all teens have social media but some parents think it’s social suicide not to have a smart phone but it really isn’t. Perhaps the reverse is true.

@LuckyJadeMember which phone does your DD have? We’re not giving our DD a smartphone either until she’s 16 if we can help it.

The research is growing as to how unhealthy they are.

Honestly.

She's not pushing it, as it's clear it's a non negotiable and you've got a reply for every arguement.

You're not creating an open dialogue with your teen. It won't be just the phone though is it.

I imagine you are as closed mineded on all your opinions.

Good luck with your post 18 relationship with your dd.

I doubt you'll see her for dust.

You’ve put massive parental controls in place by refusing to let her have a phone at all.

Well done op, there will be plenty of time for a smart phones later in her life hold off while you can, makes me sad seeing toddlers in prams scrolling through phones.
I ‘m amazed that someone said she’d be left behind by technology she’s young only 15 I’m sure she will get the hang of a smartphone or updated tech when she’s 17 or older she’s not 90.

Have you not seen all the various studies that have shown the disastrous effects on young people’s mental health of various aspects of smartphones and constant internet access, such as social media, online porn, screen addiction etc.?

Social Media, phone addiction, excessive screen time at the expense of other activities, access to the whole internet…

Those are the cons, what are the pros?

Did you miss the bit where DD said she doesn’t want one?