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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

746 replies

LuckyJadeMember · 07/03/2026 00:41

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

Amazon

Amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/FiiO-Bluetooth-Playback-Independent-Headphones-Sky-Blue/dp/B0DT3TQKRG?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5500070-dsis-says-im-awful-for-not-letting-her-give-dd14-a-smartphone-and-that-my-gift-for-her-is-ridiculous-outdated-and-cruel

OP posts:
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6
pouletvous · 07/03/2026 08:02

Your sister has overstepped the mark here

you have every right to be furious

i take it sis has no kids herself

Mt563 · 07/03/2026 08:04

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 07/03/2026 07:46

I found my old Filofax from when I was travelling around Australia recently.

It had a notebook, an Australian guidebook and paper maps of a few cities.

I was 19 and travelled the whole way around Brisbane to Adelaide (via Sydney and Melbourne).

It made me realise how many skills I’ve traded in for convenience by being so reliant on my phone now.

It was a time capsule and a real wake up call. Now I get panicky if I go to a neighbouring city and my phone dies!

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Yeah, the skills to manage without a phone are much harder to learn than how to use a smart phone. Map reading, planning, where to find information, who to ask.

LittleBearPad · 07/03/2026 08:05

Babsandherwabs · 07/03/2026 08:01

Did you miss the bit where DD said she doesn’t want one?

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I doubt that’s really the case.

You don’t mention things like ‘the new Samsung’ came out if you have no interest in them.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2026 08:05

LuckyJadeMember · 07/03/2026 00:53

It's my sister acting this way that I'm annoyed about. She's sure that DD actually wants it and just hasn't been that vocal about it because she knows she won't get it, and is throwing hissy fits over me keeping my kid safe from the perils of smartphones.

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She's probably right, but it's not her decision.

I'd worry peers would laugh at you DD with a flip phone. That can lead to bullying.

Rituelec · 07/03/2026 08:05

Arregaithel · 07/03/2026 01:00

Ah! you're a luddite @LuckyJadeMember 😉

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I also don't use a smartphone. Never had a problem at all. If something insists on scanning tickets you just print them.

My kids dont have them either amd cope fine.

Timble · 07/03/2026 08:06

awaynboilyurheid · 07/03/2026 07:59

Well done op, there will be plenty of time for a smart phones later in her life hold off while you can, makes me sad seeing toddlers in prams scrolling through phones.
I ‘m amazed that someone said she’d be left behind by technology she’s young only 15 I’m sure she will get the hang of a smartphone or updated tech when she’s 17 or older she’s not 90.

I actually feel so mad when I see babies and toddlers with phones attached to their pram. Parents need to parent. It’s ok if babies are restless and cry. They don’t need an addictive brain rotting device in front of them!!

Elsvieta · 07/03/2026 08:06

I wouldn't let a teen accept such an expensive gift from an aunt no matter what it was - it's too much. Is she v well-off? Does she really think you're not giving DD a phone because you can't afford it? Is she a lot richer than the rest of the family and in the habit of using it to throw her weight around? She's a CF; tell her to keep out of your parenting decisions.

Stick to your guns. Honestly, the number of people on here who seem to really believe that the most important lesson you can teach your kids is "always do whatever your peers are doing and be careful never to stand out in any way". And who are so scared to say no and have their kids be a bit cross with them. Sad.

Maray1967 · 07/03/2026 08:06

ShetlandishMum · 07/03/2026 00:52

Teenager. Not a child.

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Given what my DSs were messing about with on theirs at that age I think OP is very wise to encourage delay.
If my DB screamed at me about a gift and insulted my gifts to my DC I would keep my distance. But that wouldn’t happen because we respect each other’s parenting decisions.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 07/03/2026 08:06

Your sister is massively overstepping here.

You have your rules and you appear to have a dd who is happy with them, so whether anyone else agrees or not is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is your kid your rules

My sister has form for similar shit which is part of why we are nc.

justasking111 · 07/03/2026 08:06

My youngest doesn't have a dum phone part of his university coursework is photography so he has the best phone for that. But he vehemently disapproves of tiktok Snapchat wouldn't let his nieces and nephews have it he told them.

Young people are fighting back

NotAnotherChickenNugget · 07/03/2026 08:08

I personally think this is great. My DS is only 10 but we’re not planning on getting him a Smartphone for as long as we can hold out and love the music player you’ve linked to! I think prolong things as long as possible. I was 25 when smartphones came out and we all managed fine getting to grips with the tech 😆. I would love to get a dumb phone myself as I know I’m addicted to my smartphone.

Mischance · 07/03/2026 08:08

The decision about a smartphone is yours as parent.
You sister is out of order. It is not her decision.

Lifeisapeach · 07/03/2026 08:10

My teenagers school encourages them to use their phones for research and submitting homework etc.

Dont get her a smartphone if she doesn’t want one but I wouldn’t be bothering with portable cameras and mp3s then… that’s cruel imo. Kids can be cruel too and this generation have grown up with all this wonderful technology around them!

you know, it’s not all doom scrolling and social media. You can control content and restrict apps that she downloads.

Shes nearly an adult too…

noworklifebalance · 07/03/2026 08:10

PorridgeAndSyrup · 07/03/2026 07:59

Have you not seen all the various studies that have shown the disastrous effects on young people’s mental health of various aspects of smartphones and constant internet access, such as social media, online porn, screen addiction etc.?

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Not sure why you are quoting me? I support not using smart phones

Firtreefiona · 07/03/2026 08:10

I need a phone that does WhatsApp and a few other apps. Nothing more. Does anyone gave any suggestions?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/03/2026 08:11

Wow, well done you. Wish there was more parents like you x
The 7yr old has been begging for one but she's gonna have to wait a good few years 😂
The amount of primary age kids coming out of school with them is depressing

Ophir · 07/03/2026 08:11

HarlanCobenDogshit · 07/03/2026 07:53

Honestly.

She's not pushing it, as it's clear it's a non negotiable and you've got a reply for every arguement.

You're not creating an open dialogue with your teen. It won't be just the phone though is it.

I imagine you are as closed mineded on all your opinions.

Good luck with your post 18 relationship with your dd.

I doubt you'll see her for dust.

This

this is the issue

I’m not saying she’s entitled to/must have a smartphone

But it would clearly be very difficult for her to tell you directly that she’d like one

Mt563 · 07/03/2026 08:11

LittleBearPad · 07/03/2026 07:57

You’ve put massive parental controls in place by refusing to let her have a phone at all.

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She means parental controls on phones, presumably because they can be got around and basically are not effective enough. Not parental control generally, obviously.

alittleprivacy · 07/03/2026 08:12

Fridgetapas · 07/03/2026 07:29

I think it’s a bit strange to carry around old fashioned technology like old cameras and mp3s and flip phones because you’re so against new technology.
You’re free to parent however you want and your sister shouldn’t be buying presents you don’t approve of for your DD. But it’s all a bit odd all this buying out of date stuff like it’s something to be particularly self righteous about.

I guess you are pretty old and out of touch, because everything you describe is currently very fashionable with Gen Alpha and the younger Zoomers.

KitsyWitsy · 07/03/2026 08:13

Don't know why so many people are all or nothing about this like the option of teaching self-regulation and internet safety isn't a thing.

My kids have had phones from 12 and aren't phone zombies. They are all doing very well. They used the phones for socialising with friends mostly as well as for school with menti etc. I didn't put restrictions on or look at them. I chose my battles and I never had an issue with constant scrolling or anything like that. They also never get their phones out in company/at the table.

I bet the OP's daughter has someone's old iPhone and that's why they don't seem bothered!

Wellthisisdifficult · 07/03/2026 08:14

What? IME this kind of situation always leads to issues later in life. Far better to let her have one now, parent the use of the phone well and give her the skills as an adult to manage usage.

I would get her an older model though.

DS has a smart phone and flip phone (smart phones not allowed in school). They need to learn to manage usage, how to deal with any issues. What safe usage looks like. Unfortunately Smart phones are here to stay and learning responsibly round them is now part of parenting and preparing a child for life.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/03/2026 08:14

Lifeisapeach · 07/03/2026 08:10

My teenagers school encourages them to use their phones for research and submitting homework etc.

Dont get her a smartphone if she doesn’t want one but I wouldn’t be bothering with portable cameras and mp3s then… that’s cruel imo. Kids can be cruel too and this generation have grown up with all this wonderful technology around them!

you know, it’s not all doom scrolling and social media. You can control content and restrict apps that she downloads.

Shes nearly an adult too…

Edited

Psssst, a laptop in the kitchen (for all to see) does the same job

MrsToothyBitch · 07/03/2026 08:15

I agree with you OP. You can revisit the smart phone chat at 16 if you feel 6th form may be a good starting point, with a reconditioned phone and controls as they do have some uses. I feel very lucky that the first iphones didn't come in until I was 17/18. I got through uni without a smart phone and so did nearly everyone else I knew.

I suppose your dd may well have a hidden phone or similar, but it sounds like the anti smart phone movement is actually taking root with the younger gens. I don't think it's a bad thing although I'm not sure I could go back now. It's all the extras. I would never want to carry a digital camera again. It's an extra item to lug in general - especially with teeny night out bags- and a scarring incident where I had an accident and ended up with a broken camera and a furious mother (angry that I instinctively threw out the hand holding the new camera to break a sudden backwards fall rather than save the tech and get awful head-neck-back injuries from slamming fast into a hardwood floor) made me so grateful for camera phones - and good phone cases when they came. Baffled the cameras are back in. I also work full time and commute a lot- i don't need extra stuff to carry then or any time tbh, or end up with a permanent list of admin things I have to wait to sort out on my laptop or DHs pc once home.

That said, we're near London and nothing is more than a paper tube map. I always have one on me in my wallet, have spares at home and get updated ones when I see them. Apps/screens never match just checking the map if needed!

SapphireSeptember · 07/03/2026 08:16

Are people here aware you can access social media and messaging platforms via computers and tablets? I don't have a smartphone, I do have a laptop and a (now very battered) tablet. The tablet stays at home when I go out. I survive with my basic phone. I went to a LARP event that ran for a few days a few years ago and was offline the entire time!
OP and her daughter sound very sensible!

HRTQueen · 07/03/2026 08:16

she doesn’t need a smartphone and if not pushing for one why get her one

I wish I had thought this way when ds was younger and I suspect many parents feel this way but we all got pulled into feeling they needed to have a smartphone so we could track them, so they could keep up to date with school work. so they didn’t have to carry around money

all that’s happened is that it’s become a reliance we never really needed