DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

It's such a shame that because of the perceived/overreported dangers of being outside alone or in groups, we encourage teenagers to be online, with all the known dangers of that ignored and the known benefits of in person interactions ignored

Newsflash: you are allowed to.control your child, who will be a child until 18. Yes obviously you open up doors as appropriate but there are perfectly good reasons to maintain control over certain things. The most telling thing that the open, who knows her dd better than anyone else, knows that she doesn't really want one. At whatever point she does get one I've no doubt she'll pick up the necessary skills..my 75 yo mum can use Google maps, book gym classes, find podcasts, parking apps etc.
Using considered adult judgement to parent is not controlling.

In this family you can have phones once you buy them yourself, 18 or over. Before that they have Apple Watches from starting High School onwards.. It’s a complete non issue here for my younger children, they understand and respect my views. It may help that they have older, adult, siblings that grew up with only mp3 players and rarely use their phones as adults…but even if this wasn’t the case I’d stick to my guns.
The internet in the house gets turned off for the night at 9pm for us all, too. Comes back on at 9am.

I don’t get it at all. Why does everyone want their teens to have smartphones? I think your gifts sound great and your sister should never have bought something like that without discussing it with you first much less have a go at you. Hold out on the phone for as long as you can!

I applaud you, OP. 🌸

Utter rubbish

It all sounds a bit performative really

Your sister sounds like a nasty bit of work OP. You sound lovely, and your daughter sounds unbothered either way.

I woke up, checked my smartphone, saw new images of the Middle East being on fire and thought Oh Great what a fucking time to be alive. Protecting your daughter from all the negative stuff online for as long as possible sounds like a bloody good idea to me.

A teenager IS a child 🙄
My DS is 14. Yes he's in his teenage years. But he is a child.
My DS has a smartphone so I'm not anti smartphones, but I take enormous issue with your statement. It worries me that there are people like you who think 14 years old isn't a child.

Your daughter will be sticking out like a sore thumb.

I think it’s a bit strange to carry around old fashioned technology like old cameras and mp3s and flip phones because you’re so against new technology.
You’re free to parent however you want and your sister shouldn’t be buying presents you don’t approve of for your DD. But it’s all a bit odd all this buying out of date stuff like it’s something to be particularly self righteous about.

Good for you. I was lucky with my first because she's in her mid twenties now so always had her dad's cast off blackberry or similar until she was older than your daughter. She now says she's glad she didn't grow up when the first phone was a smartphone.
Your sister is poking her nose in where it's not wanted or needed. And basically criticising your parenting. Stick to your guns and tell her to return the phone.
I don't blame you for having this approach, in sure you'll find a lot of like minded parents. And the numbers will increase

@TheoriginalMrsDarcy alot isn’t a word it’s a lot.
Did you not know that despite being up to date with all the technology?

I teach teens. They have no access to phones during school hours and they socialise the old fashioned way. Most don't leave til 5pm so by the time they get home and have had dinner, done homework, an activity, had family time there's not much left for doomscrolling and socialising with people they'll see the next day.

The issues we deal with are not people feeling left out of the social loop but people being bullied on group chats. If someone doesn't want to be your friend because you don't know who an influencer is or the latest meme, then why would you want them as a friend?

Well done to you and your daughter. I have just read the ‘anxious generation’ and you are definitely doing the right thing. If she is not bothered and not being bullied or harassed, then continue as you are.

Yanbu if she’s happy without. I offered my 14 year old a new phone for his birthday and he said no, he doesn’t need/want one. Not all teenagers are glued to their phones.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the gifts you have bought.

I would love to be able to use Ticketmaster without using a smart phone!

What is the point of switching the internet off?

It is a tricky one. Your sister has massively overstepped and it’s not her place to interfere - but I have a feeling that being headstrong might be a bit of a family trait? From the other side of it when I was growing up my mum was like you, with set ideas about things being suitable/unsuitable. I never asked for anything I really wanted (having my ears pierced, reebok trainers, fashionable shoes rather than Startrite at age 15, going to parties) because I knew the answer would be no and my mum would go off on a rant about how dangerous/dumb the thing I’d asked for was and I’d end up feeling massive guilt and shame. We didn’t have a close relationship and I hid a lot from her for fear of judgement. I wouldn’t say that being ‘protected’ to that extent was a positive thing - it left me feeling a bit isolated from my friends and I was very naive and vulnerable really when I went to university.
I would reconsider the smartphone - but if you do, make it from you rather than your sister, and give your daughter the message that you trust her, and you can see how much she’s growing up. I’m sure it would mean a lot to her, and honestly it’s so much easier having a great music resource, camera etc all in one place that’s so easy to use. FWIW, my dd is the same age and had a smartphone and although she sometimes spends time chilling out and scrolling on it, she uses it in a really positive way most of the time - she video calls her friends while they bake together or do homework, has online banking and manages her money really well, uses google maps to navigate, makes playlists and listens to music, takes endless photos of our pets etc etc.

Does your name mean you are a GP? Do you know the potential for harm from phones on the mental health of the younger generation? And read the OP. She does not say her child is being bullied or even is asking for a new phone.

As a consultant psychiatrist, I am shocked at the number of new referrals we are getting for 18 to 21-year-olds. There will be lots of reasons why, but I would not be surprised if having the Internet on tap is one of them.

I think it's great she's not got one and not even interested!

To the PP saying she will be left in the dark ages if she doesn't get a smartphone when she's young.. we all had Nokia 3210 aged 14 and look at us now 😂 Getting a smartphone isn't a developmental milestone, and smartphones are designed to be intuitive to use. She'll catch up, and even better she won't have spent her years in education wasting time scrolling. I think you're giving your DD an edge/headstart in life and people don't like it OP 😉

Hi op must of DC chats are on what's app etc how does she keep in the loop with her friends ?

I think it’s interesting how many people are tying themselves in knots trying to tell OP she’s a bad parent for not letting her daughter have a smartphone.

I knew these people existed - my son’s school is ‘smartphone free’ (as in no smartphones on the premises at all) and I’d heard that they get a lot of pushback from parents on it, which I always thought was bizarre.

I know 15 year olds with smartphones who would be delighted with OP's presents. It's a trend to have those digital cameras (there is a filter on Snapchat to replicate the format and digital time stamp). And at least with an MP3 player she owns the music.

Was wondering the same