DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

I don't think she has returned it. She asked her sister to.

I said for various reasons we need them - it’s too boring to explain, but would prefer we didn’t.
OP and OP’s daughter don’t need them so seems sensible not to get drawn in until that time comes.

I’m not with you, your rationale seems like some emotional reaction rather than any real logic, the fact you don’t have one, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t, nor should the fact she’s not asked mean you say she’s not allowed.

part of me wonders if it’s jealousy, if you can’t afford one don’t want her to have a better phone than you.

a reasonable person would ask your daughter, but you haven’t, birthdays are nor about need only. I suspect you haven’t asked your daughter as you know she will be delighted. And the gift is better than yours.

They’re trying to make sm illegal for under 16s, we see the horror that phones do, teens not talking to each other or experiencing things like days out, concerts, sitting in their room, concentration shot, ability to multitask gone, moodiness, likely causing sight and brain issues and everyone is chastising op for not having one.

i wouldn’t wish the fights we have around here on smartphones on anyone! You can be in the middle of a decent conversation with the kids and see them tapping out. I’d say in the future phones will be the new smoking in terms of ‘wtf were they thinking?!’

I wish more parents had your attitude. Teenagers are zombies with smartphones

Good on you OP. I was part of the first generation to get a smart phone as a teenager. Would have been much better for my mental health and productivity to have been “left behind” a bit longer tbh.

My sister asked if my eldest could have a phone and I said no. She respected that and has chosen to buy her something else. She asked if she could get her a laptop but she isn't high-school age yet so she doesn't actually have a need for one yet and I do have one she can use. Re phones mine will get one when she starts high school but we will consider what kind when she gets there and it won't be the latest phone.

Has your dd spoken to your sister about wanting a more up to date phone and is that why she's acting so irate about it?

My dd wouldn't keep asking for a phone even if she did want one. Not sure if your dd is like this?

You could get her a smartphone and help her navigate the use, no phone overnight, parental controls, limited apps etc. This will require a lot of active parenting. Or you stick to your guns,appreciate next few years will be busy prepping for GCSEs or other exams and let her have one when she is 16 where she will hopefully be emotionally mature enough to deal with one and the side of social media etc.

I don't think your approach is wrong, you know your child better than I do. I'd be more upset and or annoyed with your sister blowing this out of proportion. She should be respecting your choice even if she would do things differently.

Op does your dd know her aunt has bought her a smart phone? Have you told her about it? If yes what did she say?

If not tell her and let her decide. I think at this age she deserves to know what she’s been bought. If she’s anti tech she’ll probably refuse it and ask her aunt to buy something else.

At 14 I would give her the choice as to whether she wants it and let her make the decision.

It's social media I would be worried about here more than the smart phone itself. However I think your sister has massively overstepped by buying her such an expensive gift without checking with you. I wouldn't want my young daughter walking around with something so valuable in case she was robbed for it . Your sister is completely out of line.

There is a huge amount of research showing how damaging social media is for teenagers, most experts advise holding off until 16, I’m with you OP! And the argument of her being ‘behind’ from a skill set perspective has also been disproved- the technology is so intuitive- when she does need or want one she will very quickly pick it up - it’s not like learning a language or to play a musical instrument, it’s designed to be extremely simple and very addictive!

This Is such a stupid comment. Of course a teenager is a child

I am afraid in 2026 they do really need this for many reasons but socially for sure. You are isolating her from the main way teens socialise now. You are not doing her any favours.

Your sister should respect your parenting decisions.

I find it very unusual that a 14 year old has not asked for a smartphone. Does she think you can’t afford it? I wouldn’t ask for things if I knew my parents hadn’t got the money for it, but as you Dsis has offered to buy the one for her-that’s a different thing altogether. If you’re against social media etc, that’s understandable, but there are ways to try and monitor that.
Personally, I believe educating teens about the dangers out there is the way forward with technology and monitor what they can access.

Don't understand people telling you to give her a smartphone

Ignore your sis. Why would anyone want their child scrolling so young is mind-blowing to me. Your daughter will think you later

Neither of my DC 12 or 15 have a smartphone. It is absolutely a parental decision not for an aunt to make that call. Your sister is way out of line, it is NOT her decision and she should back off.

You aren't awful, you are doing what you feel is right for your child and your sister is trying to undermine your decisions.

For some reason the idea of not having a smart phone has got a lot of pushback but I saw your post as one about the principle of parental undermining. This is something I got a lot of when I made a decision to do something that was, at the time, counter cultural (home education in my case). Your sister doesn't get to decide how you parent and throwing a fit about it is just childish of her. If this is working for your family keep doing what you are doing, just give your sister time to come out of her tantrum before you speak to her again.

Smart phones only became a thing when I was an adult. I’ve managed to become entirely dependent on it since then, so I’m sure OP’s DD will too - you don’t need to learn everything as a child.

I think it’s great, but I’d advocate for a smartphone ban for under 16s - there’s just absolutely no need.

Are you going to let your daughter know that her aunt has bought her an iPhone for her birthday?

This! I don’t understand the responses on this thread.

Your sister bought a present costing several hundred pounds for her niece for a 14th birthday?

But the assumption is that young people have smart phones and the world is being designed around that idea.
For example, I work at a university and I’m seeing a move towards universities offering digital prospectuses which you access through a QR code.
In fact, I’m at an event promoting my department today and have very few physical resources as i’ll direct people to the QR code.

I also travel frequently and it’s been made infinitely easier having everything on my phone.

I think your sister’s behaviour is out of order, but tbh, I’d rather my teen have their phone while under my roof so that I could try and positively influence usage. DS has had one throughout high school but we’ve been able to teach him how to use it responsibly, and when he was younger put robust parental controls on for his protection.

Cameras have definitely made a comeback among young people though - I bought DS one for christmas. I discovered that the last point and shoot cameras we owned were now pretty valuable, presumably because that market died off with the advance in phone camera technology. Annoyingly I think they went out in the recycling a couple of years ago!!

Gosh what a snidey little post.

And if you spent £357 on that camera you also need your head examined!