DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

Be so careful what you say to them! My DD, 12, begged for a phone back in the day and we said you can have one if you go to work to earn the money for one. Next day she got a paper round! Had a phone within weeks!

are there studies that smart phone use is detrimental ? I don’t think there is. There is plenty of studies that social media use is detrimental to teens, that’s why my teen doesn’t have access to social media on her phone. Or any addictive apps for now.

I just think these all or nothing arguments are dangerous.

The world has changed and smart phones are part of it and our job as parents is to teach our children how to navigate this safely. And I don’t think that keeping them away from smart phones teaches this. I envisage it like a lead where you keep tight control at first and then as they become more savvy about the dangers of being online, you slowly let them go further without you.

The advice towards smart phone seems to be, mine have one so you have to let yours otherwise you're holding her back. Like so much advice it's 'don't act differently to me'.

Smart phones are addictive, and social media is known to distort self image in children, it's not a huge parental jump to want to cut them off. If she has a thinkpad she can obviously learn how to use technology and complete life admin without a smart phone. She could even get WhatsApp if that was excluding her from socialising. But the op seems to just be relying on her daughter nagging her which is not a great method of communication. Surely having a sit down and talking through pros and cons would be better?

Same with the sister who massively overstepped. You don't have the conversation by forcing an expensive gift.

I think it's a bit cruel to be honest. I never had what my friends had at school and it affected my self esteem. My granddaughter just got an iPhone for her fourteenth birthday and it never even crossed my mind that it was a bad idea. I'm happy that she feels like she fits in and also she's able to communicate with me as well as her younger sister who also has a smartphone, just not an iPhone. They were allowed phones at 12 years old which I think is about right. The pair of them get messages all the time from their friends, it helps them to stay in touch. I couldn't imagine being without my iPhone, it actually helps me earn money because I have a YouTube channel. I couldn't imagine not being able to look things up.

Am I the only person who can see this is obviously an advert.

This really comes across as a “my child is better than yours thread”.

You are my inspiration, OP!

Be proud of her!

You shouldn’t feel threatened by other people’s parenting choices.
Just be confident in your own… or make changes.

The op never said she’s Amish and doesn’t let her daughter on the internet.

shes 14, her brain is adolescent. I think it’s awesome parenting to not give her a smart phone and only hope I can do that, it’s abundantly clear that it isn’t good for anyone but especially kids to be perma connected like that. To the people saying she’ll be 18 in 4 years, why yes she will. And? She can get a phone then.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

iPhones weren’t a thing when mine were teenagers!

Good try and having a dig at me, but try a bit harder?

How is getting bits of paper out easier than double clicking the side of your phone once? Don't you add the passes to your wallet?

I would worry far more about the threads like -is my 14 year old having sex with his 14 year old gf (there's one one the forums just now) than can my daughter get an iPhone

She could leave home at 17 to go to university and get one then

So she needs all the functionality of a phone… music, directions, calling, texting and camera… but she doesn’t need the phone? She always tells you that everyone else has a phone, but you don’t think she wants one?

Its ok to say no to a phone but dont pretend its your daughters choice or lack of requirement. It’s entirely your choice that she doesn’t have one. At least own that choice if you Intend to defend it!

Sister has no right to kick off. How is everyone forgetting that OP is the mum and she does get to say whether or not her daughter is allowed a smartphone. Others may not agree but the 14year old girl in question isn't the sister's kid. If the mum has said no to her having the phone then sister should accept it. Surely she should've checked with the mum first before buying her something that mum doesn't want her having

You're definitely not making the popular choice, but you are making the RIGHT choice. I think we'll be doing the same as you with our child. I love that Australia have banned social media for under 16s and wish we would implement it here!

I'd probably let her have the smartphone for her 16th though as she will be old enough to work, go to college etc then. Let her enjoy another year or so of not being addicted to the little black rectangle for now

Lots of people here with really strange views. Stay strong OP if you don't want a smartphone for your daughter.
I saw my child's personality change before my eyes.
Took the smartphone away, replaced with a flip phone now. Feels like my daughter is back. I love your music hacks.
I've given mine an old phone with access to music apps but no WhatsApp etc. It's locked down. So similar approach to yours. And she has a Bluetooth speaker, and headphones.

Has no-one on here heard of Smartphone Free Childhood?? Thousands of parents are holding off smartphones for their kids until 14/15/16 these days. The evidence for poor mental health is overwhelming. Read The Anxious Generation.

OP you are absolutely right IMO. You’re the parent. She IS a child - a pp seems to think teenagers are not children. They are. Their brains are still forming. Why would you inflict this unfettered access to social media and infinite scrolling on a young girl ahead of time.

Has your sister got kids? She sounds completely clueless and misguided on this.

It's slightly depressing how many people here can't imagine a world without smartphones. It's perfectly possible to manage without them and it's a massive overstep on the part of OP's sister to buy one.

Plenty of young people are turning their backs on the need to be constantly connected and to be sharing their entire lives on social media.

@CambridgeCats giving your child a smart phone does not mean you have to give them unfettered access to social media. You can block apps and downloads

I don't wholly disagree with you. I'm just mindful of a concern I have that there's something else, there, another problem, one I see as a TA in schools, and that is the gradual removal of the agency of personal responsibility children have for themselves.

I watched something recently that was interesting. It was about the old public information films about not talking to strangers, playing near water, kicking your ball into an electricity sub-station (that one gave me nightmares). One of the talking heads pointed out that these were aimed at children. Not their parents. I hadn't thought about it before, but they were. We were treated as though we were responsible for ourselves. They we needed the tools to develop our own judgement, because nobody else was going to keep us out of harm's way in every situation.

What I see now is a lot of children being given the impression they are helpless and have no responsibility. In the case of phones, it seems to be that the demonisation of their use is another step in the direction of removing the agency for children to develop their own judgement. To lead them to believe that owning one automatically means they will be unable to choose not to access addictive content, etc. In short, they are being told that phones will control them. Not that a phone is a tool they can learn to control.

I took, fear overdependence on devices. I worry, though, that this will not change if we persist in teaching children that the devices are in control.

This is a weird one. You're her mum and its up to you. Is she a vintage queen? If so then what she's getting is cool. If not then its very weird. I think you could let her have s simple smart phone and let her enjoy it. Do you have a smartphone? Are you a zombie?

I think she’ll be very left out at school and so on, regardless of what she tells you and of how you think she really doesn’t want one. Our school has DC doing homework online and on apps. Pretty much everything is centred around a mobile these days - banking, comms, maps, homework, shopping. It’s not a moral failing to embrace that, even if you do have strict controls around usage. I think your DSis was trying to stop your DC from being an outcast. Your child, your rules, but don’t be surprised if she rebels. By way of example, one of my DCs’ mates has a mum like you - it is a pain!!! If they wanted to organise anything, I had to contact her and then she had to check with the DC and then come back to me and me pass the message to my DC. No thank you! I’m not being your go between. They’re still mates at school but don’t see each other socially anymore as it’s too much hassle and takes away their independence. Feel sorry for the DC but life’s too busy as it is!

I agree with this. I regret not doing this for my dc.