DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

I also take photos on my phone too. Mainly of pets that are no longer here. I would personally have accepted the gift. You could have kept the receipt and returned it. I don't think just because you are a luddite that you need to say other people don't need smartphones

I would have been lost without mine during my first uni module as I didn't have a laptop at that point and I needed one to go to online tutorials

I think at 15 you’ve done well keeping her away from an Iphone, but tbf you seem to have projected your opinions on to her, paper boarding pass? can’t think last time I saw that. The carry on to download music what an utter faff.

The study specifically looked at whether social media harmed mental health. It found no link between those who used it and those who didn’t.

I appreciate this is inconvenient for those trying to push the ‘social media is basically crack cocaine’ narrative.

No reason needed. Her child, not her interfering sister's child. If sister wants to play cool aunt she needs to raise her own. 100% approve of no smart phones for teens. Smartphones have stolen childhood from a whole generation. Aunt is totally over-reaching. If I had my time again my kids would not get smartphones. Seriously, who the hell takes it upon themselves to decide its time another person's child got a smartphone?!

You are a Luddite.

Also in my area. The cheapest bus tickets you can no longer buy from the driver (monthly tickets). You have to get them on a phone

Some gig tickets can only be downloaded to a phone too

I scan my supermarket loyalty cards on my phone too

We still print out boarding passes. I see paper ones being used all the time. It’s much easier to have a paper ones being used handy when e.g paying for duty free than having to faff around with your phone.

Yes. You do need a smartphone nowadays.

I don't have a printer at home -hence using apps for boarding cards

I can also have the option of having my football season ticket on my phone -train tickets too. Just makes life easier

If she hasn't asked for one then I wouldn't give it. As you say she's welcome to use her savings to buy one so potentially could get one at any time anyway? I'd be surprised if by 15-16 she doesn't buy/ask for one though.

I agree with you.
Eventhough I feel its starting to get a bit difficult sometimes without it.

No, you dont.
Its just people are manipulated to think they do, or conditioned to be addicted to it.
Also, I have noticed how some people arent able to do simpliest of things without a smartphone which is quite worrying.

You are not being unreasonable. I believe large expensive gifts like that should not being given without at least mentioning it or asking the parents opinion on it first! Don’t let anyone make you feel un comfortable or ungrateful for not allowing it, that is your decision as her mother and yours alone, certainly not your sisters place to push her own views and opinions onto someone else’s child. If sdhebthinks she needs a smart phone, her job as a decent sister would be to have a simple conversation with you about it and see how you feel and if its something you want for your daughter, if your sister really wanted to be helpful would be to say something like, Im happy to help gift it when you are ready. Not just buy it and rail road her way over you and create a great big argument because she doesn’t have the decency to reapect a parents opinion.

I think what thus thread proves is people react badly from other people deciding that a parenting decision they made, is a bad one. Your sister, and half this thread.

My kids had a smartphone earlier than that and it isn’t a good thing. It’s a constant battle. Watch your sister doesn’t ruin DD’s birthday by giving her the smartphone anyway. You’re going to have to be really clear that if that happens you will be deliberately upsetting DD on her birthday and you won’t easily forgive it

Your kid, your rules. Your sister gets no say.

also those saying “I’d go for the smartphone” misses the point. She’s already made the decision her DD isn’t having one (which is completely fair imo) so that isn’t helpful

You are completely right - kids don't need smartphones. Well done for holding the line. So much research showing huge damage to mental health from screen addiction. She will thank you one day.

There's the other side to 'the Luddites being left behind'. I live out of the way, and we often lose internet and thus the ability for the tills to work in shops etc. So it becomes cash only. The tourists, especially the younger ones, often go into meltdown about this.

I always carry cash and back up train tickets printed out etc, You never know when technology will fail, as living here has taught me.

I didn't have a smartphone until I was 56. I then worked in customer support, teaching people how to access courses on their smartphone, solving their issues etc. It's not hard to use them if you are used to a PC/laptop/tech in general. Scrolling social media and using QR codes doesn't teach you anything much about how things function or how to resolve problems.

Thats really up to the teenager a d mother to decide, not someone else’s child though. Can you imagine someone absolutely insisting that your child simply must have something to survive other wise your an awful awful parent and your just there like “errm… were managing fine…thanks?” How would you feel if someone forced their opinion on you so hard then started to scream and shout at you about it?

Well, yes, fair point, but it's interesting to note that UK problems with alcoholism are higher than they are in countries where children regularly having access to small amounts of, for example, wine at dinner, are more commonplace.

There's a middle ground between locking the booze away and acting as though one sniff of it will turn your child into a raging alcoholic, and giving them their own wine cellar, isn't there?

Same with phones.

Ryanair

Stand your ground with your sister.

There comes a stage when other family members have to intervene when a parent is cutting their child off from the real world though.

DH is Spanish and it’s very common there for aunts and grandmothers to have words if they feel parenting is poor.

of course they react badly to someone else sticking their ore into their parenting decisions, it can be dangerous. My sil for example decided that my 7yo boy should be given prime and lucozade so that he “knew all about it and would feel left out around some older boys” erm? Excuse me? And that is your decision how exactly? She also bought him an xbox when he was 6 without discussing with us first, yeah thanks but this will not be used right now 🙄 i know this is differently and this girl is still a teenager, but respect for the mothers decision should still remain.

I'm on the fence about if OPs daughter (or any teenager) should have a smartphone or not.

But. Digital Exclusion is A Thing and we need to be careful that we aren't walking into a huge problem by making everything digital. I'm having huge problems getthing things done for my mum because she doesn't use the internet and just doesn't bother with her smartphone (yes, i would prefer she used it, i can't force her). So, for eg, we can't cancel a simcard that some absolute scrote in the EE shop sold her, unless we go online and do it. She can't easily renew her landline contract unless she goes online.etc etc etc.

we need to be mindful of people who don't use technology (for whatever reason) and make sure we have resiliant back-up systems for when (not if) it all goes tits up for some reason.

I don't get these comments worrying that she'll be behind. She'll be fine. I didn't get a smart phone until I was at university and was doing a placement year in London so wanted Google maps. Until then, I had this Nokia phone with a QUERTY keyboard, a laptop for school/college/uni work and a small tablet that I mainly used for YouTube/iPlayer. I was fine. I never felt particularly left out when my peers had smart phones. I think the advantages now are greater - I'm a secondary teacher and I've seen attention spans among kids drop through the floor. Remember when watching a film or a documentary in lesson time was a treat? It was a lesson 'off' to just chill? They can't cope with it anymore because they're so used to short form content. It's genuinely terrifying.

@LuckyJadeMember

you obviously don’t visit many places if you have never needed a smartphone, i used mine today to buy tickets for tonight, you show the qr code on your phone to get in. Ryan air requires them, and overseas you need them to check in and have boarding passes on as you haven’t got a printer even if you aren’t on Ryan air. My local pubs menus are by qr code as well.