DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

I think there comes a point where you need to lower the parent control and let dd make a choice. Has she not asked because she knows you don’t believe in having a smart phone. Telling you the new phone that comes out sounds like quite a big hint. I was the child that didn’t have tech that my friends had plus other standard material things. It was embarrassing at times. I think you have done well to keep her off of social media etc but I think it’s now time to give her the choice.

I personally would give her the smartphone. At this stage with everything online, it could do more damage and leave her behind as much as protect her. They can learn so much from being online too, including social interactions. Do enable restrictions though

The damage exists partly because we have got hold of the idea that we have no control, and that we can't teach control. That we are all helpless victims who need protecting from this evil object in our pocket because there's no way we can be trusted to use a tool responsibly.

Consequently, we are, as a nation, allowing the technology to use us, instead of learning to use it. Because a button is there, does that mean we must press it?

All this technology is here. It might be better if it wasn't, but it is. The best thing we can do for the generation that will be using it in their everyday lives is to teach them not to fear it as a monster they have no power over, but as a tool which they own and control.

It's been here long enough for us to have learnt enough to be able to do that, and the generations who grew up with this will, frankly, be better at managing it than those of us who did not. IF we let them, with support.

It is a perfect study as you can compare one cohort who attend the same school and are in the same environment etc.

This doesn't make sense. Of course if they make it so you can only fly with them if you have an app and people don't have that app their sales will be affected. I don't know how you think they wouldn't?

Good for you OP and your daughter. She sounds a mature and sensible young lady.
Great to hear young people with the attitude of 'not everybody needs a smartphone'

The reviews though, for the device you have bought aren't great - but if it's what you have decided you've probably read these so feel free to ignore me! 😊
Your sister is wrong to buy something that expressly goes against your wishes
Happy birthday to your DD 😀

Regardless of whether or not I agree with your stance on smartphones, DD is your daughter and you and her father make the rules for how she is brought up. Your sister should mind her own business.

You have to place trust in your DD to use the phone safely.

Because only a small minority will boycott RyanAir in that way.
People will mainly just complain about it, like they do about their seat reservation policy and everything else but still take the flight because it's cheaper.

I totally appreciate the dangers of social media etc but you are not adequately preparing your teen for life. Smartphone use is essential in so many ways and both you and your daughter are clueless. You will both miss out and not have the skills to navigate many things.
We cannot pretend things don’t exist because we don’t like them. She will leave home in a few years , get a smartphone and be totally unprepared for it. It’s your job now to prepare her for that time. You are actually making her really vulnerable in the future.
Danger is dealt with by taking suitable actions and having the appropriate knowledge and skills to keep safe, not by putting our heads in the sand.

But there is no separation between children who are allowed to access Tik Tok and those who aren’t. Those who are on Snap Chat and those who aren’t.
The kids were 12. It’s likely a huge number of them weren’t even allowed on most social media platforms. So how can you prove those social media platforms have no impact on their mental health?

Regardless or whether anyone agrees with your decision or not, your sister is overstepping.

You are right and all of this applies to alcohol too but I wouldn't say the way that we teach responsible drinking is to give our children their own wine cellar and put parental controls on it.

Restricting addictive products until a time children can handle having it is a part of that education.

I got a smartphone aged 21 and no one 'prepared' me for it. I didn't feel especially vulnerable.

I think your being ridiculous and over protective, she’s almost 15 let her grow up fgs and yeah my 15 year old wouldn’t be impressed with your gift either, sorry to be harsh but she isn’t 5 she’s 15.

I do need my smart phone. I'm on universal credit and the DWP expect people to job search. I can do that and submit CVs from my phone.

I'm also at uni part time and I also need my phone to be able to join online tutorials and be able to access my uni marks

Mine isn't the latest model. I could have upgraded last year but I didn't. Mine is an android (honor). I pay just over 20 quid for unlimited data calls and texts -I also Tether it to my laptop so I can submit essays.

It's very much needed -when this contract runs out I'm going to buy a handset outright -cheaply

I also Access my emails on it. I listen to music on it. I keep in touch with uni friends Via what's app

Really though?

I can't help thinking you've just started this thread to tell us all how 14/15 year olds shouldn't have smart phones.

Well yes I expect you are right. My point was if enough people don't have smartphones they would reverse their policy. Whether that's likely to happen or not is a separate point.

I hear Doro phones are good 🤔

I definitely think your sister has overstepped the mark here. Does she normally criticise your parenting?

If your daughter is fine in the parameters then stick with what’s working. Your gifts are lovely and thoughtful. I contemplate getting rid of my smart phone. Gone either way Nokia for my youngest and wish I had with eldest.

God so tragic to see people literally pushing a smart phone onto a CHILD

So what that she will be an adult in four years? Should we give her a bottle of vodka to prepare her for being a drunk student? or a pack of fags to get her ready to smoke?

How amazing that this young girl has had the chance to grow up without the constant ping of social media in her pocket - good for you OP

Yes, but it's unlikely to happen precisely because we need it for things. I need mine to access government services where I live, my health records, etc. There are other ways, but they are more difficult. In this case, it's the public sector so they don't respond so quickly to changing preferences of citizens.

I mean. You do you. My kids have had ipads since they were toddlers, so yeah, my eldest (15) has a smartphone but tends not to bother taking it with him unless I make him. My youngest has an ipad mini with a SIM so probably won't bother with a phone at all (he's borrowed one in the past, but isn't fussed about keeping it)

You say you're not into parental controls - but you have had plenty of chats about internet safety right? I'm completely open with their usage - they put them away at night but otherwise have no time limits or anything (as long as they do put it away if asked - eg at dinner). I do have parental controls on though, I do monitor to a certain extent (less as they get older) what they're viewing and searching, and we've had lots of talks about never using your real name or talking to people you don't know in real life, and up until recently, they didn't have a computer in their bedroom so I knew what they were doing.

Personally I'm in IT, but I have an old iphone (12) because I don't pointlessly upgrade. No ipad (thinking I might go with the ipad mini and no phone once my 12 dies) but I do have a beefy laptop as that's where I spend all my working hours and a fair amount of my leisure time. If I'm not on my laptop, I'm probably. asleep or doing housework!

It’s your choice as a parent not to give her a smartphone. Others might not agree but it’s highly disrespectful of your sister to undermine your parenting decisions.

"Should we give her a bottle of vodka to prepare her for being a drunk student?"

No, but at 16 it's legal to have been or wine with a meal. I suppose things happen gradually and not in one go.