DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

Just some thoughts to consider.
I do think that as her mum it’s for you to decide and as she doesn’t seem to be that fussed about an iPhone, your gift with all the thoughtfully chosen music seems lovely. I guess everyone has different views but I do worry smart phones are making us all dumb. I do use one and am mightily impressed that you do not which had given me something to think about!
Re your DD, is it possible she’s spoken to your sister about it and you are not aware? I only ask to rule out possibilities.
I also wonder if your sister wanted to get your DD this gift so as to be the cool auntie who really wanted to make your DD happy? I mention this in terms of how you both spoke to each other about it which may need repair.
if your DD wants to buy one when she’s older that’s up to her. Considering very young kids seem to navigate tech gadgets very easily I don’t imagine she’s particularly hindered for later life, in fact I imagine she might have a little more initiative. She’d also be doing tech things at school.
Anyway, good luck.

More emotional manipulation. She actually sounds like a lovely, thoughtful and involved mother.

''I don't use a smartphone myself and am somehow surviving, people overestimate how needed they are. Never been to a pub that needs a qr code/has no paper menu or airline that doesn't let you board with a paper pass.''

OP, to be fair you are a completely different generation to your 15 year old daughter.
And you do seem to be quite controlling when it comes to your daughter and technology.

Whilst I agree that children under 13 shouldn't have smart phones, your daughter is 15, presumably becoming more independent, and is in danger of becoming isolated from her peer group if they predominately communicate via social media.

Yes, you say that two of her friends also don't have smart phones, but as she grows older her friendship group will expand and I would very much doubt that not having a smart phone will be the norm.

I respect your own views on - and reluctance to use - a smart phone yourself, but you are imposing your own views on to your daughter.

It is a fact. She is making her live in some sort of 1990s fantasy.

As has been said, it’s perfectly possible to use smartphones safely and sensibly, but the OP is denying her 15 year old this option.

It says more about their reliance on smartphones. And society HAS quickly become reliant on it, and so much of life is run through it. It's gone from being a tool of convenience to something completely different when people are trying to guilt a mother into giving her 14 year old a smartphone.

There are areas where this kind of reliance and pushing has become really damaging. For example digital banking - people are just told to move with the times when they object to bank branches closing. There's a widespread assumption that apps are preferable for people with disabilities as one big indistinguishable mass of people. In reality it's become yet another thing people with disabilities need to campaign on and push for inclusion with because digital banking isn't suitable for them. This reliance doesn't come with built-in impact assessments, just a rush to get everyone to confirm to the 'new norm'. Straight away there's a lack of critical thinking just in the very idea of a move to an app-based service.

As someone else said, the OP's daughter will probably have decent critical thinking skills from not relying on a phone to do everything. If being able to navigate the world without a ton of apps on a smartphone is a lost art, then there's space for artists.

Why is a smartphone needed to communicate with her friends when she is able to call and text them? What's the actual added benefit to having WhatsApp instead of a text based service?

But you are an adult. There's no reason on earth why your life should have been worse with one than without. You don't have to doom scroll, etc, just because it's there.

I got mine reluctantly for work reasons. I use that which is useful and don't bother with the rest. WhatsApp is great because I can speak to family who aren't local without running up a bill. Not having to carry physical tickets for events for me is great. One less thing to lose.

I'm not a phone zombie, because I am an adult, and choose not to be. I don't have tik tok or any of that. I don't understand this attitude that possessing a smart phones means you have no choice but to access all the shite on it.

I have all the things that are useful to me. Nothing more. My Motorola cost me less than £200. For me to have a laptop, an MP3, a camera all separately would have cost way more.

I don't sit on my phone in restaurants, etc. As an adult, it is possible to use technology without being used by it. I often think grown adults who can't seem to resist the pitfalls of technology are like the bad workmen who blame their tools.

Your daughter likely sees smartphones like you do. As some evil monster that forces you to engage with it. It's just a tool. A tool you can learn to use safely. We really do need to teach our children how to use it, rather than giving them the idea that it is some evil monster they have no power over.

A woman of sense ! Something that seems to be lacking in much of the population regarding smart phones , why cant people see the harm young people are exposed to from social media etc , by giving them a smart phone you are giving them access to so much harm at the touch of a button … to those saying she will be an adult in four years , a lot can happen in four years ! .

That’s all well and good if you’re near a computer.

https://fortune.com/2026/02/21/peter-thiel-bill-gates-steve-jobs-steve-chen-tech-billionaires-publicly-shielding-their-children-from-tech-products-social-media/

Not one or two. MANY are doing it publicly.
There will be even more doing it behind closed doors.

Those who know how these things are designed to be addictive, how they’re designed to affect the chemicals in our brains, are protecting their teens from it.

Your gift does indeed sound great OP, when considered away from anything to do with smart phones.

A word of warning though - my brother and his wife were very strict with my niece. She was the model child, well behaved and considerate. She wasn’t allowed a smart phone and didn’t dare ask.

She rebelled against this in her last year at school and moved out of home before she turned 18.

My mum could also be quite strict about certain things and if she had a strong opinion about something, there’s no way I would have been brave enough to ask for it.

I expect the reason your sister paid so much money for a phone for your daughter is because she absolutely knows how much your daughter really wants one. They’ve probably talked about it and your sister feels sorry for her.

"The way the OP is talking about smartphones reminds me uncannily of the way her mother used to talk about television in the 80s and 90s."

Yes, it's a moral panic. Computer games went through the same thing.

There is significant research. There is significant evidence.

Ignore it if it makes you uncomfortable about your own parenting choices. But don’t gaslight people by saying the damage doesn’t exist.

I'm middle-aged and I communicate via Whatsapp. I know a couple of people with dumb phones and I occasionally remember to send them a text if I want to invite them to something, but in general they're just excluded from a lot of things (which they're fine with of course).

You can't use google maps with a dumb phone and printing it out from your laptop beforehand doesn't work as well. A smartphone is a huge help for finding your way around and checking the weather in real time.

A couple of days ago I took a bus in a new city. They didn't announce the bus stops and the bus doesn't stop everywhere so I couldn't count the stops. The only way I could figure out where to get off was by following my location in real time on google maps so I knew when my stop was coming up (would have been too fast to just read it from the window).

From a smart phone specifically? Or from social media? The current panic seems to be about social media and that can be accessed via a computer.

Also, I'm not a parent. I responded because OP or another poster said that smartphones weren't essential for ANYONE so I explained how it's essential in my life as an adult.

The irony is I'd bet a lot of people on here commenting that she will be unable to use the tech if she's not given a phone at age 15 didn't get phones until adulthood and managed to pick it up just fine. Phones are even easier to use now.

Personally I think the argument of 'but they need them for x,y,z' is a bad one because if more people were like OP then companies like Ryanair would scrap their paperless policy. Schools only give homework on apps because it's easier for teachers, not because it's proven to be better for kids.

The OP shouldn’t be trying to change society through denying her DD opportunities though.

"What's the actual added benefit to having WhatsApp instead of a text based service?"

OMG, you obviously don't have WA. You can have a group conversation like you can't have via text. I think you can send a text to multiple people by SMS but they can't see each other's replies. If your friends are meeting somewhere, but the place is closed, you put a message in the friend group and everyone is informed at the same time, can see where you are all going now, etc.

A lot of that evidence is trying to push an agenda though and has been debunked.

Recent research showed no link between social media and poor mental health.

www.theguardian.com/media/2026/jan/14/social-media-time-does-not-increase-teenagers-mental-health-problems-study

I find this whole hatred of smartphones so strange. Everything that we consider bad for children is accessible through a regular Web browser or Windows app - porn (and vpns to bypass local regulations), tiktok, Instagram, games. So what exactly are we protecting children against by banning smartphones but allowing them access to a pc connected to the Internet? Possibly mindless scrolling when out and about, but that's about it. Is it better if they mindlessly scroll in their bedroom and never set foot outside? I would be in favour of an under 16 social media ban, but smartphones - nah.

" if more people were like OP then companies like Ryanair would scrap their paperless policy"

Ha ha ha. Do you think Ryan Air cares about popularity? They only care about sales, which are not going to drop because some people don't want the app, any more than they dropped because their airports are in the middle of nowhere.

You stated it was a moral panic.
It isn’t. There is an immense amount of evidence to prove the damage it causes to developing brains.

It's both, studies have shown harm from both but the combination (social media on a smartphone) is the worst. But yes harms have been found from smartphones due to the constant access to a screen and the fact that apps are designed in a more addictive way (mimicking gambling machines) than desktop versions.

Good for you.

The potential harms are numerous.

629 children from one area over the course of one year, with no controls over which apps are used and included, is NOT a reliable study.