DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

She’s her aunt, she’s allowed to buy a birthday gift for her niece. You are being unfair. It’s a very generous gift and your daughter would have loved it you should have said thank you.

Theres nothing wrong with a phone as long as you supervise.

I have the version before the latest and that was £1400, dread to think how much the new one is. I wouldn’t trust a 14 year old with something so expensive.

Don't be ridiculous. This teen isn't being raiaed in a tech free emvironment - it will take her all of 15 minutes to figure out a smart phone

The amount of self - harm, stress and anxiety I see caused by social media, cyber bullying etc...
I wish there were more parents like you
What about self harming caused by poor relationship with controlling parents?

Ultimately, OP's daughter might not care about having a smartphone and agree with her mum's views on social media.

However, this doesn't align with her mentioning new smartphone models with her mum. If the situation is that she would love one, feels restricted by not having one in terms of communication with her friends, if she is teased or bullied because of it. If she feels she is missing out, then this is another matter. She might be resentful of OP but keeping it to herself because she believes that discussing it would be futile. The presents would be a slap in the face rather than a nice surprise.

Sadly I think the second scenario is more likely.

The other point I would make is that you seem to be grouping all smartphone usage together. There’s actually a big difference between mindless TikTok scrolling and other usage.

DS isn’t a fan of TikTok as he thinks much of the content is rubbish. He uses Duolingo to practice his Spanish and Apple Music to discover new jazz/hip hop songs.

It is very simplistic and Luddite to claim that phones are only used for crap.

It's not just the same though. Maybe you should read more of the literature underpinning the campaign groups.

I think this also hits on something else - maybe some parents just don't want to bring this into their lives and have to supervise it. I think that is fair enough. Maybe some parents are recognising their own limitations with understanding and supervising technology use.

I have and it is all ideologically driven and generally anti-technology. I can remember the same alarmism previously about video games and cable tv.

It’s perfectly possible to use phones in a sensible and balanced way. As I said earlier. DS2’s main usage is Duolingo, Apple Music and tracking his gym workouts.

How do you know op's daughter doesn't have access to duolingo, Spotify, YouTube etc? Those aren't phone specific things.

We have a laptop anyone can use but for kids, it stays in the dining room where we can see what's being accessed.

Hope the aunt will also take responsibility and support any fallout, should it come. We can never assume all will be okay, since for many teens and adults, it's not.

I find this thread funny. For older teens, it's now "cool" to be offline... kind of like how it was cool to be offline on MSN Messenger. It doesn't take long for anyone to figure out how socials work. What's more important is how to use functional technology and software. I'm pro tech, anti social media, so DC have some devices but nothing where they talk to other people or consume unregulated content. They know how operating systems work, but they don't know brainrot unless introduced to it in the playground (they're in primary school). Maybe it's a passing trend but children/teens are getting wise to the faults of social media, and I hope more reject it. Stay strong OP, I'm with you

I think that is failing to prepare their DC for the modern world though.

Presumably the OP’s DD will be off to sixth form and then possibly university soon. I don’t see how she is going to be able to maintain friendships or even do things like get trains.

DS2 (16) has a cinema membership (so clearly not that much of a phone zombie) and the only option for that is on the app now.

The OP has her DD living in some sort of 1990s fantasy.

That is total overkill and inappropriate for teenagers.

What is the issue with teens chatting to friends on WhatsApp in any event? They haven’t called each other on landline phones for at least 20 years.

Exactly, and YouTube watched on a TV or laptop as opposed to a small smartphone has a different effect due to to tunnel vision for example. Some it is self-evident and you don't need research to see that it has an immediate and detrimental effect.

I don’t see how she is going to be able to maintain friendships or even do things like get trains.

That is just insane.

How long do you genuinely think it takes an intelligent adult, probably with the support of a parent (or google), to learn how to download apps, scan qr codes, use Google maps/ WhatsApp etc? I'd have thought 1 hour would be plenty.

The vast majority of teens communicate with each other via WhatsApp or Snapchat, like it or not. DS1 (27) used Facebook messenger at the same age.

It is very difficult to maintain friendships if you have seven other people in the friend group talking on WhatsApp and the OP’s DD has to be called.

Teens haven’t socialised like that for 25+ years.

It takes time to get used to these things though. I’d have thought it better that the OP helps her do it gradually rather than it coming as a shock when she has to do it suddenly.

So why do so many of the executives in that area stop their children/ teens from using them?

They know better than any of us.

I follow their lead.

Was WhatsApp “a shock” when you used it as an adult?

She has a phone. Presumably the other teens also know how to send a basic text message.

You are talking about one or two individuals. The vast majority of those who work in tech do not ban smartphones for their DC.

Ryan Air just sent me a message that from now on you have to use the boarding pass inside their app. So no printouts.

I would be completely cut off from my social life without WhatsApp so it's definitely necessary for me.

I’m in my 50s and I have a friend who has been in therapy for years and has a terrible relationship with her parents due to her childhood. The way the OP is talking about smartphones reminds me uncannily of the way her mother used to talk about television in the 80s and 90s.

Sadly I suspect the OP’s DD will one day be talking about the OP in much the same way that my friend talks about her mother. Spoiler alert: not favourably.

Yep- trains are similar. There are no paper timetables available at my local stations now, so I wouldn’t have a clue of the train times without the app.

Many railcards are also now digital only and I wouldn’t be surprised if tickets end up similar as they’re really pushing these.

She's not allowed to go against the parents wishes though. I very much doubt she was unaware of the no smartphones rule before she went out and bought a smartphone. She's the aunt, not the parent, and it's not her decision to make.

The folk on this thread suggesting the OP isn't preparing her DD for life because she doesn't want her having a smartphone yet need to give themselves a slap!