DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

A teenager is a child up to the age of 18. 😂

Obviously it's your choice, not your sister's, whether your daughter has a smartphone and what type she has. However I went to an event last night with audience participation that needed me to capture a QR code on a smartphone. I go to a few restaurants with QR codes and no paper menus too.

Bottom line is, it's up to you how you raise your child.

I was lucky to have a sensible kid who got through the bulk of her teens before social media really took off (and she's only 21 now).

Having worked in secondary schools before and after COVID I can see the impact of them and how it's shifted and changed. It's honestly catastrophic in some cases.

Rising mental health issues - including self-harm, suicide attempts and neuropsychological disorders
Another channel for bullies that's harder to monitor
'Influencers' pedalling godawful philosophies
Kids as young as 12 sending and asking for nudes
Chronic anxiety from being constantly bombarded with terrible news and unrealistic expectations
Not to mention the usual concerns about grooming and safeguarding and accessing inappropriate matierial

And yes I'm well aware there is monitoring and parental controls but there's always loopholes as that world is so fast moving and kids are clever.

I'm still not wholly anti smartphones - I think everyone needs to make the right decision based on their individual child - but if you have a child that is happy without one I'd advise rolling with that for as long as you can get away with it.

As for your birthday presents - loads of kids are crazy about retro tech these days - they're great gifts!

If your daughter likes listening to music and taking photos it just seems pointless to buy her old-fashioned tech that is annoying to use. I haven’t seen anyone with a digital camera for years (but film camera yes) and 15 hours playback for music is nothing. But I suppose having to download your photos to a computer or upload MP3s to a player at least teaches patience and delayed gratification.

It is up to you if you don’t want your daughter to have access to an internet browser or social media. But unless she is into very retro things I find it weird to spend hundreds of pounds on tech that most kids would laugh at instead of a phone with parental controls that could take and store loads of photos and provide unlimited hours of music streaming.
That said, even though your gifts are a bit outdated, it is not your sister’s decision

It clearly says “If you do choose to introduce a follow-on phone” it’s not mandatory 🤣

And giving a child a “full-fat” iPhone even with locks is unwise before 16 in my opinion.

you can have your opinion, OP can have hers, I can have mine. If OP decides to not give her child a phone at 14, that’s her choice as the parent anyway.

In the op’s defence, retro tech is fashionable. My DS has a wired headphones portable cd player 😂 But also a smartphone 🤷🏼‍♀️

Parents freaking out about children not having access to phones for five minutes is why, at my child's school, parents allowed their children to secretly take smartphones on their residential trip, which resulted in those 11 year olds filming other 11 year olds and putting them on tiktok.

God bless the country bumpkins frankly.

Enjoy your status as internet pedant 😆

I agree with you OP. My DC (now adults, just, at 18 & 20) hardly ever used their phones. My eldest had a basic phone (no one really had smart phones then) from year 5 when he walked home and youngest from year 8.

They’ve only ever really accessed the internet on their lap tops which they got during Covid to do their online lessons.

Now they are both at uni they have bought themselves iPads. They make phone calls and use WhatsApp but they think it’s funny my husband and I are always googling things or looking at instagram.

Kids don’t need smartphones.

I do think you need to explore your sisters view of ‘whether your DD would actually like a smartphone and won’t ask because she knows your views’.

Not because you should change your views but in order to keep that open conversation going. Many kids are unfortunately bullied or left out because of this type of thing - I am not saying thats happening here but if it were too, she needs to be to approach you and talk it through.

……and if she does want a smartphone- is there a compromise?

Is it pointless though? It's hands-on, encourages engagement with what you're using and focusing on the single thing that the camera for example is for. Using a camera without inbuilt filters is going to use skills clicking an iPhone camera might not, especially at 14. I have globes and atlases and dictionaries and when daughter was young, an abacus, because these things increase meaning. I'm struggling to articulate this because it's not something above voiced out loud before but basically I think there's a difference between the passive consumption of what is convenient and the skills you can learn from things that are designed for a specific purpose.

Why aren’t you a fan of parental controls?

I think a lot of these comments are missing the point. You’re her mother, it’s your decision whether she gets a phone or not, not your sister’s. A decent sister would respect your decision as her mother and not be a dick about it

The fact your daughter has stated to you 'a new Samsung has come out' or 'most of my friends have one', is a very roundabout way of testing the waters, in my opinion. I'd say that your daughter likely does want a smartphone but knows you'll say no.

It's your choice of course but the likelihood is, once she's an adult, it's the first thing she'll buy. She'll be naive with regards to online safety, as she's had limited experience. Sometimes it's better to allow access slowly, whilst you still have a say, there will come a time, when you don't.

A brand new iPhone is nuts though!! A simpler, cheaper smartphone is just as good. Your sister is being unreasonable, your daughter, your rules.

Yeah that's what I find odd, given how her overall stance is major parental control. Seems more like she just doesn't want to learn how to use the settings.

It isn’t what most people do but I had the exact same rule in my house and I’m pleased I did.
Don’t back down op, your sister is being a twat, she can’t just decide to ignore your wishes.

Omg, OP said she just doesn't want a smartphone, not that she is bringing her up in an Amish community!

These replies are hilarious - any other day, smartphones are evil and should be kept away from our kids at all costs......

She’s 14 not an adult
she wants a smart phone because she wants the social media apps I would guess
which are not good for kids brians
or adults probably

Indeed. I think we will look back on this time of kids having unfettered access as madness. Hopefully, it will change.

You are the parent, its your choice and whether your sister or anyone agrees or not, its not their place to interfere, particularly if your sister is contradicting your rules for your own daughter.

Your daughter has a phone for safety reasons, its just not a iphone. Is your daughter happy, safe, connected, and developing well without one? That's all we need to know.

Your sister doesn't like it....tough! Your choice challenges her choices.
If she gave her kids smartphones early, she needs to believe it was necessary. Your boundary (which as the parent is your choice, not hers to make) makes her uncomfortable — not because you’re wrong, but because you’re proving that another path exists. Your sister’s reaction — the anger, the insistence that your daughter “must secretly want one” — is a classic example of this dynamic. I'm thinking the latest iphone would be very expensive and would make my child a target for thieves - what is your sister thinking?

I'd be telling my DS "I appreciate you care about DD, but the decision about when she gets a smartphone is mine. I’m not debating it, and I’m not comfortable with you buying gifts that contradict my rules. Please respect that boundary!"

There are arguments for and against smart phones for teenagers but ultimately you are the parent and its your choice and your sister has no right to undermine this and cross boundaries you have laid down.

I know I will get flamed for this but its not like you are abusing your daughter, you are trying to keep her safe without wrapping her up in cotton wool.

Ryanair is now fully digital.

Another reason to avoid Ryanair!

Because they are not infallible and kids get round them. If you don't want kids accessing bad things on the Internet, it's easiest and safest to not give them a smart phone. I'm not sure why people can't understand that. You can disagree on whether the risk/benefits pay off for you.

You have obviously been reading too much from these campaign groups that believe smartphones are basically crack cocaine.

I’m not sure there’s anything your sister could do to convince you.

In my view a smartphone is just a piece of technology like a TV. Of course there can be issues caused by how and what it is used to do; like anything else.