DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

As someone who recently deleted Facebook/insta and is trying to limit phone use after years of doomscrolling I totally get your reasons for this. I wol say however if she loves music a phone with access to Spotify wpuld be something your dd would love and I agree with other posters that at 15 having a device and boundaries around said device wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.

That being said, your sister has massively overstepped here, both in terms of monetary but also your families rules around such things. People can disagree with your rules but I do think your reasons and the fact that your dd has not asked for a smartphone don’t make your rules unreasonable at all. But your sister disregarding these and overstepping is very unreasonable

Whatever one’s opinions about phones, your sister is being very unreasonable. Her behaviour (and unsolicited, negative feedback on your parenting) is interference and her planned gift is costly and inappropriate from an aunt.

I’ve missed the main body of discussion here but just dropping in quickly to say go you! It’s not easy to take a no smartphone decision in this modern world, and you are rocking it. Your gifts sounds great.

Mate you know fine well we're talking about social media and Ryanair.

My own DD had a smartphone before 14, which was MY decision. I bought my DN one, when they were 15, AFTER a conversation with my DB, which clarified that the parents were comfortable with the gift. YOU get to make the decisions for your own child, not your DSis. Ignore her. Your DD sounds as if she will be perfectly happy with her present from you. But, don’t rule out the idea of a smartphone for, in the future, if she asks for one. Once she starts her GCSE courses, she may well need one for school work anyway. Even if the work can be allocated on a laptop, it’s a lot less convenient to carry to school, and would frankly be quite embarrassing for her.

Exactly this. My mum was the same. Luddite, we dressed horribly and it was unnecessary control, I ran away as soon as I could before I even finished school, as did my siblings, we then of course went completely off the rails because we’d had no space to experiment and make our own mistakes.
@LuckyJadeMember you’re almost trying too hard to prove a point by buying the poor girl all that unwieldy and soon to be obsolete stuff.
the money you spent could have gone towards a decent second hand smart phone with camera and music all in one instead of making her carry around all this bad equipment like a cheapsjate non tech savvy boomer.
i feel for your girl i really do.

Stick to your guns with DSis. I work with young people. The amount of self - harm, stress and anxiety I see caused by social media, cyber bullying etc...
I wish there were more parents like you.

But not being strict doesn't mean they don't lie. My dad was strict, he often worked abroad, and my mum was easy-oasy, very few rules when he was away, and I lied to them both in equal measure.

Also the OP is an adult and it shouldn't really need spelled out that adults and children are in very different places cognitively and developmentally. Her using Mumsnet doesn't somehow invalidate the decisions she makes for her child. She may drink vodka and also prevent her child from drinking vodka. Could her daughter be drinking vodka behind her back? Feasibly, but the fact she might lie about it isn't a reason to hand her a litre of Smirnoff.

What is it with this kind of manipulative language? Why are you all so personally threatened by this parenting decision?

I agree not buying her something she doesn’t want but I would directly ask her @LuckyJadeMember and not wait for her to ask.
Just check in and confirm she’s still happy without a smart phone? This might be something she’s more reluctant to ask for as she knows how strongly you feel and she might feel she’s missing out now as she’s nearly 15.

There will inevitably be more and more times as she becomes more independent that a smart phone would be helpful. Especially if she’s going to learn to drive in a couple of years.

Your sister is massively overstepping but don’t let that stop you exploring this gently.

I fully agree with you despite my excessive phone use aged 62! But Ryanair are stopping paper boarding passes soon if they haven't already. Daft as what happens if your phone stops working.
I like my paper boarding pass!

My thoughts exactly. Plus that Mp3 player is cute/fun and a 'real' camera is sort of cool to have these days when most people just use their phones.

You're an excellent parent, OP! I am a mature student and I know of several students who don't even have a dumbphone, or who got a smartphone as A Levels present, so when they turned 18. There is nothing good or remotely necessary that comes from social media

Not having a smart phone doesn't make anyone a country bumpkin. Fear of being left behind is one of the many, many selling pressures.

Hadn't the silly sister bought the wrong brand anyway, the daughter had mentioned the new Samsung so wouldn't want an iPhone anyway. There is quite a rivalry between those two brands and their users

Physical media and "dumbphones" are big among the younger generation at the minute. Some of the posters on this thread are a bit out of touch on that front. And if she's 14 I think your choice is fair enough. As for DSis, she overstepped with such a big gift anyway, and needs to respect your choices as the parent.

The only thing I would say is that DD is going to struggle when she does get herself a smartphone, as she won't have actually learned to limit her use of it. You're removing the temptation for her at present, which is fine, but she will need to learn to put the phone down of her own accord. That could be a rough transition at sixteen or eighteen, when you have less sway with her.

That would apply when she's an adult and op already said getting a smartphone is up to her daughter when she's at adult working and can buy one herself. I also don't agree with this idea that technology outstrips people if they miss the latest upgrade, it's not rocket science and the huge leaps that happened in the past were certainly integrated into people's abilities just fine.

Since January, my DD14 has bought herself a Sony Walkman, and a film camera. She and all of her friends seem to really like these things - depending on your DD, a lack of smartphone might not be the neglect your sister believes it to be!

She’s 14! I don’t really think it will take her long to get up to speed if she, say, gets one at 16. In fact, it’s recommended.

You may have meant that but it’s not what you said mate.

This may be helpful in talking to your DSis OP. https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/resource/how-to-talk-other-parents-about-delaying-smartphones-without-sounding-judgemental

I agree with this. Why rush ? Smartphones are a disaster and so addictive so why go down that road if it can be delayed .If she was begging for one it’d be a different story

That document refers to a fully connected smartphone which no one is advocating

I wish more people were like you OP. Maybe it would be easier to delay all our kids getting unnecessary smartphones if more of us did it. I hope at least some people read this and have food for thought https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/the-issue/problem

@LuckyJadeMember I think the best course would be to say to your DD that her aunt has bought her one and ask her if she’d like it.