DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2026/feb/24/molly-vs-the-machines-review-dangers-of-social-media-molly-russell-documentary

Excellent and terrifying UK documentary about the dangers of 14 year olds falling prey to the faceless algorithms of big tech on their smartphones. Was on Channel4 the other night.

Nope. Just point out reality to all the eejits on here criticising the OP for being 'out of touch' while thinking that they're the cool parents, completely ignorant of the fact that fashion has moved on, as it always does.

Smart tech is out of fashion. Kids aren't going fully analogue but they actively want media that they can own and can't be altered, so are choosing MP3 players and even CDs again. BlueRay players are back. There's a whole dumbphone movement. People hate how over technological cars have gotten. They hate how little autonomy we have over the things we own.

Young people are growing up seeing all the flaws we've developed and they are turning against it. Because truth is, as convenient as much of it is, it's got a lot of drawbacks.

Your child, your rules. If you sister wants teens to have smart phones she can buy them for her own teens when she has them.
Year 6 the school Dd went to went mad on doing stuff online and the kids using iPads in class we bought one at a very reduced price through the school. It was the worst idea ever. All the online troubles followed, she was even bullied online for a short while and was connecting with god knows who through social media. I hated how it seemed to change her. She then got an old smart phone for the travel to work and luckily the school were strict on no phones or phone noise in school. I hate the bloody things in the hands of kids.

She's said stuff like 'most of my friends have one' or 'a new samsung came out' but never really pressed the matter, which she usually does when she wants something
Sounds like huge hints and you're not even picking up on it!

You say she doesn't need it. Do you only get your daughter what she needs? Ultimately, she doesn't need to listen to music too!

If sh doesn't want the phone your sister kindly wants to give her, she can easily return it to your sister and ask for something else instead. You know your DD wouldn't be over the moon though don't you?

Totally agree with you. Hold out on smart phones for as long as you can. The teenage brain is a developing, fragile thing. I don’t understand why some previous posters don’t seem to distinguish between a 15 and an 18 year old. She will have a lot of intellectual and emotional growth between now and 18, and be in a better position to use a smart phone safely when she is a young adult. She has a flip phone so you are not restricting her ability to socialise etc, you are protecting her! Well done you and keep strong…
Also - editing to say - perhaps a Spotify subscription for her thinkpad, and a Bluetooth speaker to pair to? That would be a relatively cheap way for her to enjoy huge amounts of music

No you can make your point without being nasty but you fell back to petty insults. I think maybe social media controls might be quite good for you.

Technology (& smart phones) are here to stay. Whilst I am all for restricting acess, especially to social media, I'm not against having them.
These things are here to stay. Our children need to learn to negotiate this technology so some acess is better than none.
Not allowing a smart phone till adulhood, is like getting drunk on your 18th birthday in a pub, except that your friends aren't around to get you home safely.

What’s your relationship with your sister like overall? Do you usually get on ok? Does she have kids?

id assume she’s quite close to your DD to offer such a high value present. Are they close, do they spend time together?

maybe your sis has spotted something that you can’t see, and your dd really does want a smartphone. It’s actually a very generous present, could you accept it and then give to her when she’s more ready for one in your view?

Your daughter will be the laughing stock at school - and that s your doing !

Whether you agree with smartphones or not, like them or not - you are not 14 and clearly have no idea!

She’s close to adulthood. How do you know she hasn’t told your sister she’d love a smartphone but too careful of your feelings to ask you?
what if she leaves home at 16 because she wants autonomy and independence, you can’t even claim universal credit easily without a smartphone, let alone apply for college, jobs, stay safe, stay in touch with friends etc.
she sounds very sensible, why don’t you trust her and let her enjoy her amazingly generous gift and let her feel like she’s growing up rather than infantilising her and treating her like you’re Amish

Are you on Mumsnet on something other than a smartphone then?

Your DSis is v unreasonable.
I think your gifts sound great.
I hope to keep DC away from smart phones for as long as poss.

Yes you do. What do you think Word is or Excel?

sounds cruel. I’d never make my child the odd one out like that. Parents need to recognise the almost overwhelming power of peer pressure and act accordingly.

….it takes about seven and a half seconds to understand how all that stuff works. Which is why companies use it. If it were any more difficult than that, they’d risk losing the money of dim people, which they really, really don’t want to do.

They’re less interested in taking old people’s money though, for some reason.

OP, my son - who works in the area of mobile technology and its interaction with humans - has a daughter a little younger than yours. He’s very clear that she’s not getting a phone of her own until 16 at least.

She already understands how QR codes work though.

My 15 year old is not allowed to have TikTok. He cannot download any app without our consent. You need to learn how to put proper parental controls on the iPhone.

Don’t really understand the AIBU, you’re anti iPhone, we’re not going to change your mind. Personally I would have accepted the iPhone and bought her a years subscription to Apple or Amazon music, so she had access to the music she loves, plus unlimited access to new and old bands etc. You chose another route and that’s ok too. Your sister shouldn’t have gone against your wishes but I can’t remember if it was explicit that you were completely anti-iPhone. Wrong if you were but if it’s a grey area don’t fall out with your sister over it.

I think i kind of agree with dsis, she may want one, but thinks there may be no point as you’ll say no.
she sounds like me at her age.
mentioning her friend with the certain item but knew i would never get.
my friend ending up just giving me her spare phone.
have you asked if she wants to walk around with all the extra items ( though very thoughtful)?
i would not allow certain apps.
i think things like instagram and tiktok should be 16.
my phone is useful ( not just for work) but for banking, transport apps, kindle app ( no longer need to carry books or mags) apple pay, games for travel, amazon music app, youtube music etc or to watch videos on long journeys.

I was being lazy and writing "Apps" when I really mean web browsers, that go to the bank URL or MN URLs and travel booking websites or whatever coursework (Blackboard?) interface OP is using.

Basically all those URLs do what phone Apps do, but in a generic less customised interface. OP is obviously fine with herself being on social media since OP is posting on MN.

15yo DD had a friend ("Zoe") with a phone often checked by parents. Zoe always deleted texts from DD bcz the parents would have strongly disapproved. Kids find ways to sneak around the rules. Zoe got into a mess with a boy which she couldn't tell her parents about... I had to help Zoe get out of that mess since Zoe had to keep lying to her parents. When you're too strict, you teach them how to lie well.

regardless of what tge gift it, its NOT up to your sister to faise your child, She should wind her neck in and apologise although I doubt that she will

I agree your making the correct decision here ! Our UK government is actually already doing the groud work to ban social media for under 16s it's already happening in Australia and Indonesia is thinking about it as well !
I survived without social media and u don't actually need it to survive it's a habit that has forced upon us to rely on it !
If more people said no I'm not doing this I think things cud change but people are gripped by it !
I take my dog for a walk and hardly see anyone's faces because most people are walking like zombies head in phones it's actually insane !!!

I can see with my DSs that they’d of missed out on a lot of things with friends if they didn’t have WhatsApp or messaging on their phone. If it had been on a PC or laptop it wouldn’t be so quick so it’s likely they wouldn’t always be included.

Its useful for school too, homework being set online which you can pick up quickly and check from your phone.

I can locate my DSs via their phones if they’re late in, or I don’t know where they are. Makes me feel better and them safer when they’re out and about.

I understand you not wanting her to have the apps/Tiktok etc, but they don’t have to be installed. She could literally just use it as a phone, camera, music and texting etc.

That said if she’s happy as she is, she’s happy, however, I don’t think smart phones have to be used in a heavy way especially if you don’t put those apps on there.

My parents were very controlling, so there was no point in asking for anything that I knew they would disagree with. I did what you suggest - waited until I earned my own money, and bought stuff myself. Do not underestimate how much resentment can build up in that period of waiting, though.

Having a smart phone doesn’t mean you have to have social media. DC’s phones have no social media on them - youngest doesn’t have WhatsApp yet either. It’s not all or nothing.

And u didn't help by decieving her parents as well u have just made her think it's ok lie !