She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

When my grandson was eight he watched daddy making his morning egg dish so daddy encouraged him to have a go. He now makes scrambled eggs, omelettes for breakfast. He's very fussy about the pepper, butter and Worcestershire sauce that goes in. It tastes very good.

Well done girl for trying, get her some soup ingredients tomorrow.

OP wouldn't have mentioned ingredients if it was tinned soup, would she?

Not clear from your posts - were you intending to supervise in any way? Or expecting dh to?

Though telling her you don't have the stuff and that you'll do it tomorrow, but then just letting her get tf on with it isn't great parenting in my book

You're being unreasonable. You told her no and you explained why yet still allowed her to crack on and ignore you. You can't expect her to respect boundaries when she knows that no clearly doesn't mean no considering mum allows her to just do it with no consequences. Her being neurodiverse doesn't give her a free pass to have no boundaries in place

YABU for saying no and then letting her doing it anyway because you couldn’t face the fight.

I have an ND stubborn as hell, everything is a fight DD so I know what it’s like… but sticking to what you say is really important. Maybe next time don’t say no so quickly- but this time you had said no.

YABU for letting an 8 year old cook unsupervised. That is not safe. Even if you’d decided cooking was ok despite saying no, why weren’t you watching her?

YABU for saying your husband is the bad guy for getting cross when actually you hadn’t wanted your DD to cook but let her anyway, you hadn’t been watching her, and she’d made a mess.

If she was enjoying herself and not demanding anyone’s time then she should have been left to be creative.

Your DH has been unreasonable.

I’d happily let my 8 year old cook soup on a Friday evening. But I’d be in the room with her to supervise/assist where needed. And she’d be cleaning up herself (it’s part of the process).

Soup scalds if it’s spilt. If she’s spilling cinnamon accidentally then she could easily knock the pan and scald herself badly or cut self chopping veg.
Great for kids to cook but they need adult supervision.
When I’ve been on pack holiday with brownies her age they’ll make sandwiches, pour cereal and milk, pour juice all with supervision but no hot liquid and sharp knives.

82% disagree with you.

No, because you said no and let her just ignore you, go do it anyway and make a mess. If you don't instil any respect for your boundaries, how can you expect her to respect other people's?

I think we can rule out the pouch and tinned soups can't we, because of the "ingredients"?

But sparkling intuition on the spice front! But whether it was from a dedicated spice cupboard we cannot tell from the information provided.

Right?! I'm really astonished at some of these posts, and I can only imagine these are the parents of the children that will never accept being told "no" and cause all the problems at school and anywhere else.

My kids are allowed to be creative, or to cook when they want to. But at 8, if I'd said no, then they don't do it, or they risk being told off and made to put everything away.

The person you're replying to obviously thinks a "no" now means always a no. And that the parents that can exercise a no are the types who don't allow anything fun at all ever.

How is she married to an idiot? Sounds like her husband actually wants their daughter to have some boundaries and the mum just wants her husband to be seen as the meanie whilst their child sees her as the one who defends her from him trying to teach her any boundaries. Their kid is 8 and doesn't even have the respect to accept that no means no. Mummy says no and the 8year old child just cracks on and does it anyway. It's not about giving her some freedom and independence. Let her cook by all means but jeez supervise her she's still little. And actually be a parent and teach her that if she's told no she can respect and accept it

It is as much her home as it is his.
8 year olds make a mess sometimes, not a big deal. Your DH throwing a tantrum isn’t good. Why is it he seeing things as Dad vs child.
The annoying part is she was told no and didn’t listen.

Maybe they dont want to deal with a huge mess on a Friday night that the daughter won't clean up, especially when they don't even have the right ingredients?

Shame on you because you are totally failing her, her life will be so much harder as a result of the lessons you are not teaching her.

Absolutely, you are letting her down big time. Part of being a good parent and one of the ways we show our children we love them (thus giving them a sense of security), is by setting out clear rules and teaching them that these boundaries have to be respected. Your attitude to parenting is the kind of inconsistent parenting that leads to children feeling insecure and anxious, which they then display by acting out. Not to mention causing spoilt, entitled behaviour if they grow up thinking they can do what they like because other people's wishes aren't worth listening to.

He didn't 'throw a tantrum'.

He was rightly annoyed at being the only parent in the house who could be arsed to do some parenting, and not being backed on it.

Despite the fact the OP clearly agreed but was too much of a wet lettuce to insist the 8 year old actually listened to her.

You feel guilty about always saying no, but you didn't say yes, you didn't go and supervise and do it with her, you didn't bring her any joy, you didn't even suggest an alternative activity, you just zoned out and didnt care - that's hardly the opposite of ruining her fun.

Time to step up. Communicate with DD and DH, probably put the phone down. If you ever want a child able to cook herself something then you need to help her learn. The way you handled it, with indifference, means she couldn't even ask you for help as you'd just go back to no, or whatever was least effort for you.

Spoilt child yet again father is called in the wrong

You cannot be serious.

It's not wonder so many teachers are leaving the profession.

I am serious.
OP was being lazy and DH was getting angry, insisting OP stop her, why didn’t he stop her? neither was very helpful to the situation, lazy parenting on both sides.
Neither actually dealt with the situation.

😂😂😂

I think the thing is you have to think carefully, and if you say no, you mean it and stick to it (even if she has a stubborn response.)
If the answer to her making soup is yes, great- but you need to go and supervise and help her.
It's the saying no but then leaving her to do it anyway that isn't good because you are teaching her that she can do whatever she wants and there aren't actually boundaries because no doesn't really mean no, that's not good for her or you and it makes sense your husband is annoyed - but taking it out on her and yelling isn't fair either. You both need calm boundaries and to try and be on the same page more, which is better for all 3 of you.

He was telling her off, aka stopping her. He would and should have expected back up from the other parent so was communicating that with her, OP then didnt back him up. He didnt 'insist' that OP stop her, no where does OP say this

He isnt in the wrong here no matter how much you and other posters try to make it so.