She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

Because you said no and she did it anyway, husband followed through with the actual parenting and tells her off. YABU and setting yourself up for a terrible time pitching the husband and daughter against each other when he is the only one acting like a parent. Of course she will be stubborn as she knows she can just do whatever she wants with you. She’s 8. No means no.

Well, your DH was not wrong, was he? It does sound like she gets away with doing whatever she wants. Your DD asked, you said no, and she did it anyway. I can very much see how that must be hugely frustrating for your DH.

And what parent, genuinely, lets their 8 year old make soup (I assume from scratch) unsupervised. Toast, cereal, even perhaps omelette or similar, if they are used to using the hob. But soup, with scalding hot liquids, and sharp knives, should definitely be supervised at that age.

This would be my 8 year old dd if I didn't get firm with her and put my foot down. She often tries to carry on doing what she wants to do even after I've said no. It takes a lot of repeating myself to get her to listen, but she eventually will because I won't give in once I've said no. I realised I was creating a spoilt brat and would have no control once she hit teenage years if I didn't act now. Sounds like you need to start putting your foot down too.

I think you are op.
You told your DD she couldn’t do what she wanted but then let her do it anyway.
By saying she’s stubborn like it’s a get out clause just makes it look like you can’t be bothered to deal with her stubbornness and let her away with it.
If your DH is saying she always gets away with doing what she wants indicates this is not the first time.
Your DD will realise very quickly she is allowed to do whatever she wants, difficult to deal with at 8, may be impossible to deal with when she’s 15

what! You leave an 8 year old to cook alone in the kitchen. And saying ‘ingredients’ seems it not just opening a can and heating up which in itself is too much unsupervised. You need to actually start parenting your child. Your main job is to keep your child safe, giving her free reign in the kitchen is not keeping her safe . Im actually astounded that you think that is ok,

I think yabu to leave your dh to pick up the fallout by having to be the one who goes into the kitchen and presumably clear up the mess and be the bad guy while you continue to lounge on the sofa after failing to control the situation right from the start.

Leaving an 8 year old to cook unsupervised is bonkers.

Saying no and then letting her do it anyway is confusing.

Undermining your DH isn’t great either.

But did OP clearly say no?

In her OP she said she didn't have the ingredients, can make tomorrow.

That's not a clear no to an 8 year old especially an ND one

Too blinking right. I haven't read all the responses, but I'd be fuming.

DD decides to make soup even though I'd said no, she makes a mess,

DH comes in to tell me about the mess as if it's my problem. No, absolutely not - if she's old enough to make soup, she's old enough to clear her own mess

edited for spelling

You'd be fuming about spilt spices?

So much this. It's a safety issue at 8 if she'd unsupervised. Most 8 year olds would have a high risk of cutting or burning themselves if left to their own devices in the kitchen.

Thinking of how this wouod play out in my house. I have an 8 year old.
If they wanted to make soup, on their own on friday night and we didnt have any ingredients and i was tired and didnt want to help, I would say no. If they went to do it anyway, I would go and tell them again no and they would go and do something else.
The only way they would be making soup would be if i decided I would help them make it properly. I wouldnt be letting them get evrrythong out, spill a jat of cinanom all over the floor after I said no and just be sitting there not even bothered.
Yabu and dh was rightly annoyed.

And her dad doesn’t want mess everywhere. Why is she spilling cinnamon all over the floor to make soup?

Our DDs are master negotiators. One is also ND, which presents at times as incredible stubbornness. For us, the key things are picking our battles, otherwise everything is an argument, and also having a "no means no" phrase. I'm sure you shouldn't need it, but we aren't perfect and nor are our DDs. For me, "I've said 'no', stop asking" seems to work.

OK, now read the whole thread.

I stand corrected.

She's 8.

There is no way I would allow an 8 year old to be cooking anything other than toast unsupervised. Even then I would probably be hovering around just to make sure that everything was OK & everything put away. I must admit that I have a 'thing' about a clean & tidy kitchen.

I apologise.

Your daughter is 8 years old and dpesn't listen to you and you think it is ok because she is having fun! Oh my are you in for a shock in 5 years time. You reap what you sow.

Your dd is a spoilt and entitled. I read your first post and initially assumed she was about 15 based on your reaction.

However she is 8!! She is a child and you need to step up and parent her rather than treat her like a mini adult. No means no!!
I am guessing she you also describe her as "very mature" which seems to latest fad to describe spoilt little girls who dont understand or respect the word no.

I have a teenager who is diagnosed as ND ( obvious at age 14 months, diagnosed age 5 and in a specialist provision school placement) he still knows we have house rules. If he is told no you cant he doesn't do it.

Your the parent op start parenting. Your dh is right to be annoyed because even if your dd is ND she needs rules and boundaries ( actually she needs them more than NT kids do). If she does not respect your rules at 8 years old you have no hope when she is 14.

This has to be yet another made up thread. The OP says the child was told no but then she did anyway. If you're going to make stuff up, you need to get your story straight (and a little more realistic - no real parent says no but then thinks it's perfectly acceptable that they ignored that!)

Cooking? That usually involves knives and hot things.... like chopping veg and using the stove.... I'd not let an 8 year do that unsupervised

This. 8 year olds eat the dinner you made, and if that soup then it’s a joint enterprise.

8 year olds don’t get free reign of the kitchen to make potions aka cinnamon soup 🤮

Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient
for the love of his can we stop saying every child is suspected ND!
She’s stubborn because you allow her to get her way every time so she knows she doesn’t have to back down.
I don’t think it’s ideal
letting an 8yr old have free reign in a kitchen, you told her there was no ingredients but she defies you and goes rummaging.
Pretty lazy parenting.

What evidence do you have of her being Nd, other than she's allowed to get away with murder with no consequences?

This, I have two diagnosed ND kids and we are even stricter than we would like to be. ND kids need tighter boundaries as they struggle with knowing and remembering where the boundaries should be, so you need a tighter reign and more structure, not less. Structure and clear boundaries are so important for helping them develop their own strategies for coping with life as they get older. It doesnt come as easily to ND people, I know this as I am one.

Separating the two issues I’d say I can’t see the issue with her cooking assuming you have an appropriate knife, you’ve taught her how to use the hob safely and she would ask for help if she needed it. My now 9 1/2 year old has made stuff like omelettes and cakes largely on her own for a good couple of years now and makes a very nice Thai style noodle soup on occasion. I can see a huge issue with saying no and then not intervening when she ignores you.

Typical MN pile on. Teenager makes a mess but of course its the mans fault. It always is on here it seems.