She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

8 year olds are at the best of times going to make a right old mess if they try and make soup on their own . this was always going to happen.
Sorry OP..I think you didn't handle it well at all. And I can see why your husband reacted as he did.

Maybe suggest you get the ingredients together this weekend and together you make some soup.

And if your parents said "no, not tonight kids" would you have done it anyway?

Because THAT is the issue, not whether you made chocolate cake back in the day

8 years old and you want to let her loose in the kitchen making soup from scratch (unless you are talking about opening a tin?). No with a capital N.

I'm sure they would both be fine with it if she cleared up after herself, which it sounds like she doesn't.

If she's old enough to make soup unsupervised, she can damn well clean up too.

I have a 9yo and if i said no cooking then I mean it!

(Assuming DH is DD's dad) it's his responsibility as well as yours to parent her so she doesn't generally "do whatever she wants" when it's harmful or inappropriate. At 8, she won't even think of the various reasons why she shouldn't cook up a mess if she's not been clearly told, and the different messages are no doubt confusing her.

Yelling at her for the spilt cinnamon isn't reasonable as it was fairly obviously an accident; since she was still in the kitchen best just to remind her to clean it up. If he's the primary person who does the meal planning, shopping, and cooking and/or if he's worried about budget or food waste then I can understand if he's frustrated by her using particular ingredients, but there has to be a better way to communicate what's off limits or not. Raging at her for using the kitchen/ingredients and at you for - letting her? Not stopping her? - is counterproductive.

You and DH need to communicate with each other so you agree on general boundaries for your daughter and understand each other's perspectives enough to compromise and present a united front. His yelling and humphing and blaming everyone else and walking away isn't communicating, and "she always ..." instead of discussing the immediate specific problem sounds like a passive-aggressive way to duck out of dealing with the hard work of parenting.

I thought you were talking about a teenager! No wonder she accidentally made a mess, she’s 8! Jesus.

If I found my 8 year old doing anything I had said not to do, I'd be cross. I'd be more cross if there was a ton of mess and was unattended in the kitchen with knives and food, wtf OP?

Time and a place, absolutely she can make soup, tomorrow, supervised?

You originally said no just because she went and done it and you relented doesn't make your husband a monster for feeling the exact same 20 minutes later

8??? I thought you were gonna say 14! Wtf...and also, why the heck is an 8 year old dictating what she can do? She's gonna grow up to be a DELIGHT.

8??? Same age as mini blondes

if I say no. No means no

you didn’t say no. You pussy footed around as cba to set boundaries and stick to them

so let her do what she wanted / then moan about it 🙄

Did you say no and then say, on second thoughts yes? Or did you say no, she ignored you and you thought "oh well". I do find myself saying no to requests from my DC and then reflecting and thinking "I'm just saying no because I can't be bothered with the hassle of paint/water/cooking/den building" etc and actually unless I've got a good reason, why not say yes. I think it's fine to change your mind but I do think at 8 you'd need some assistance with soup. I think if she just ignored your no, then that's more problematic. I do think your DH is being unhelpful, if he was there when the conversation started then he should have said something if he had strong feelings on soup. If he wasn't there then he doesn't know what you agreed with her and it's quite undermining of your parenting.

Are you doing that triangulation thing where it’s you and dd against meany dh?

My son is almost 8 and never in a million years would he waltz off to make soup if he asked and I said no. Number 1, it's about respecting your decisions and no 2 it's about not letting a damn CHILD cook independently with sharp knives and boiling water! WTF?? My kid just about gets himself his cereal and still manages to spill the milk on occasion.

Start parenting better before it's too late. No wonder your DP was pissed off, I would be too. Although, he should have stepped in to parent too.

No
By allowing her to ignore you

Did you actually tell DD she could make it after all? Or did she just start and you thought well she can actually?

I don’t get it. If you didn’t have the ingredients for soup, then why didn’t you say anything when you heard her clattering around in the kitchen? What was she making with cinnamon or was she just being naughty? You should’ve got up and said ‘what are you doing? I said no.’
What did you have planned for dinner - could she have helped you make that instead?

Well yes he is right she does get to do and gets away with whatever she wants, you told her you don't have ingredients and can make it tomorrow (reasonable). She goes and does it anyway, you both leave her to it instead of stopping her, dad gets angry, you don't see the point and niether of you have stepped up and parented her. You are both unreasonable.

FFS! At that age she does what she's told. If you, as a parent, have told her "no" and she ignores you, the question of who - you or your DH - is being unreasonable is irrelevant.

And were you really OK with her attempting to cook - which involves heat - unsupervised?

She’s 8 years old and in my house when an adult says “no” it means “no”
She certainly shouldn’t have even been allowed in the kitchen, let alone “leaving her too it” and “throwing ingredients on the floor” and you not telling her it’s not acceptable and allowing it to happen is mental. I thought you were maybe on about a 16/17 year old (before you said her age!) but she is 8 - she’ll do it again and again and have no respect for you or other adults, nor will she know right from wrong and what is acceptable or not, regardless of whether you think she is ND or not. I don’t know any of my Mum friends that would allow this to happen it’s absolutely ridiculous. Your husband is right I’m not surprised he’s annoyed, you’re enabling poor behaviour!!

This sounds like a very teenage response in itself

No one is stifling this poor creative bohemian's spontaneous flair in the kitchen. She was asked to do it tomorrow

Sounds as if she rules the roost, wont clear up after herself and its assumed its just going to be a mess and OP will just clean that up.

Having the right to 'amuse' herself, comes with a responsibility to follow through with the less amusing bits, aka clean up.

I agree with all the above posters. No needs to mean no. If you say it then follow through.

I would say "No, we cant make soup tonight because theres no ingredients. How about you make a list and we go together tomorrow and do it together?"

Secondly
Why on earth is she doing it alone.... im all for independence but im sorry I think thats nuts. My daughter at 8 did toast unsupervised 😂 and at 9 made a cup of tea 😂 all other cooking was done with us together.
My 6 year old gets her own breakfast but its cereal and milk. No hot ovens or sharp knives involved.

Jesus. No wonder kids are turning out like they are

A parent actually parenting and he gets called a manchild

Ive just seen she is 8!!!

8!!!!

No means no. Its not unreasonble to say wait till tomorrow.

Exactly, next posts will be “do you feel safe op?!” And LTB…

Your DH is an arse and I doubt he’ll get better with age

There are two separate aspects:

1. Dd ignoring you. It's not ok for her to go ahead when you've said no, BUT it's ok (good actually) for her to advocate for herself and discuss it further, ask why not, etc. So you might say to her PAUSE we need to discuss this. Then you could say that you've changed your mind and she can do it. HOWEVER you should make sure she understands and agrees in advance to certain consequences, i.e when we make a mess we clean it up ourselves. Eight is a great age to be learning to clean up things like that.
2. Your dh coming straight out the gate with anger, which is just going to make her shut down. No reason why he can't calmly explain to her that she needs to clean up her own mess, and enforce consequences if she doesn't. Anger doesn't need to come into that and it's counterproductive because it's teaching her poor communication.

I have a very single-minded AuDHD son and I know it's hard for him to get off of something once he's focused on it. Sometimes I've got to really get down to his level, right in his face and really calmly say "PAUSE. We are pausing." I've also worked hard to explain the concept of priorities to him. So he understands that not right now doesn't mean never. It's hard work but necessary to parent her rather than just leaving her to it or raging at her.