She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

I can't get my head round the OP telling us that her child was making soup then getting cross when we responded as if the child was making soup because of course the child was not making soup but mixing spices in a bowl

My autistic just 9yo can competently cut meat/veg using proper knives, season and cook a steak, separate eggs, weigh ingredients, mix, fold, sear etc

he doesn’t boil the kettle, use the hob or oven without supervision…

my autistic 12 yo has blended his own spice mixes and cooks a range of meals competently

they are learning to cook by working with us to develop safe skills. Kitchens aren’t play spaces. Both kids know what is and isn’t allowed in the kitchen

I was cooking independently from 8 and for the whole family a couple of time a week from 10 after my mum died.

My mum trained us all in how to cook and bake safely from when we were tiny

I’m thinking like a PP that the OP had a few sherries when posting …..

You have chopped and changed so much, making soup, creative, mixing herbs together. So the facts are your DD aged 8 wanted to make soup not real soup pretend soup with real ingredients. You originally said no but did nothing when your 8 year old DD disobeyed you. She made a mess and your (long suffering) DH got cross.I have posted once before and my advice is the same No means No which is why it is so important to think before saying no. If you vacillate children dont understand and its weak and lazy. You are sitting in the same room but you let her disobey you. It sounds like your husband is frustrated, do you overrule him if he says no? Or maybe he isn't allowed to put boundaries in. Sorry but you are lazy, no means no, there is no suggestion from you that you offered an alternative activity or did anything when she just ignored you and made "soup". You say she does what she wants! Of course she does, she knows there are no consequences. My xDH used to do this, its infuriating and children confused and throwing tantrums.

If you mean 'no', and have said it then be consistent and not backtrack.
If you let her use ingredients in the kitchen then give her exactly what she is allowed to use and no more.
And make tidying up a game, so that she learns not to leave a mess for others to clean up.
But first if you say no, it must mean no.

She will be a horror for sure as a teen. And then your dh will turn to you and tell you again that it’s because you let her do what she wants.
the problem here is you think it’s cutesy being stubborn minded and being ND is a perfect excuse for you. If you say no it’s no.
Your dh is right here.

I agree with this I'd have either suggested a later night trip to the shop to get the ingredients there and then as to encourage learning to cook, or said no and left it like this.

Unless my child can persuade me I'm unreasonable or wrong (which isn't often as he's 4) my first rule is final or they'll learn they can ignore me.

Good bit of putting two and two together to make 1,376.