She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

I think he sounds the most sensible parent here all things considered
he’s not being an arse but rightly so he’s annoyed

I am not a parent so genuinely asking... is 8 years old really old enough to be left unsupervised in the kitchen??

I’m all for blaming the DH for most things but come on?! Really? He’s an arse because he told her off for making a mess…. Just no!

I’ve got 3 kids and I would say absolutely NOT

You said no. She ignored you and did it anyway. And made a mess. Then her dad has tried to discipline her and you've backed her up despite you already telling her no in the first place.

He's right isn't he? She can do whatever she wants.

Well she did get away with doing whatever she wants ?

Yes and no, its child dependent

OP hasnt really described properly what happened. Was OP in a different room and child comes bounding in saying she is making soup and OP says, not tonight, tomorrow night and child runs out and says she is making it tonight and OP remains in the other room, doesnt follow her into the kitchen? Unsure

Op hasnt described what is meant by 'making soup', are we talking about chopping veg and putting in a pan, turning heat on. Or is she talking about a pouch or tin emptied into a bowl and put in microwave. Or some ready cooked ingredients popped into a soup maker?

Cinnamon suggests child was in the spice cupboard or getting ingredients out?

So you said no and she went off to do it anyway?

and then you just left her to it… at 8? To chop veg and deal with boiling water on her own.

sorry- how is your DH the unreasonable one here?

An important question. The answer makes all the difference.

You beat me to it!

I was thinking exactly this. What on earth is an 8 year old doing faffing around unsupervised in the kitchen making “soup?”

if you can’t say “no” at this age, then the teenage years are going to be an absolute nightmare for you!
You need to parent her!

"Suspect ND" you say, or perhaps she's a child pushing her luck to see how much she can get away with? It must be difficult these days to trust you have the clarity to differentiate...?

What I'm sorry, she's fucking 8?! You can't leave an 8 year old alone in the kitchen making soup?! Does she know.how to make soup or is she just wasting a bunch of food?

Nah I'd be well pissed off I came downstairs and my fellow parent had left my 8 year old alone in the kitchen cooking and shed made a mess of the floor.

You made a mistake by say no then changing your mind but you know that. Ignore all the drama llamas. Of course you can be bothered to parent your child and your right. Why shouldn't she cook.
My ds is ND and cooking is his therapy. It has been for the last 5yrs. Every spare evening he creates amazing meals. It costs me around £20 per week in extra ingredients but I see it as his hobby money. Other people pay for swimming or horse riding. I pay for cooking. My one stipulation is the kitchen is cleaned at the end. Sometimes with a bomb site insues in the process. I just ignore it.
Maybe going forward you could arrange cooking nights with your daughter. Help her find a receipe and buy ingredients and set a time then tell dh it's hobby night and not to interfere. This way your setting both daughter and husband boundries.

You told her no and she basically said fuck you.

That might not be the 'end of the world' for you.

But for many parents it's a sign of pretty ineffective parenting.

She's 8 years old and said she wanted to make soup.
You said no.
She went and started anyway, making a mess in the process.

Your husband is absolutely right, and sorry, what's wrong about getting angry that your child has done something you explicitly said no to? If she's ND, she's going to have to learn that no means no!

I honestly can't believe that you said no, expecting her to make a mess, without getting up and telling her no again and removing the items! You're bringing her up to be a spoilt brat and letting your husband take the blame. I don't agree with pp that husband came straight out the gate as angry and that's wrong. If I'd heard my husband say to one of our sons that no, he could not do XYZ and then I entered the room to find he'd not only done it anyway, he'd made a mess, you bet I'd be angry. That's a quite normal and reasonable reaction?

Depends on the child and what they're doing.

8 and ruling the household.
Good luck with the teen years love.🙄

Agree that Op is weak, saying no, shrugging when she does it anyway then blaming and making DH the bad guy
Sneaky
No wonder hes pissed off

Ah ,come on, they can surely be left to make a sandwich or something? My 6 year old can make herself a sandwich without anyone needing to watch her.

Absolutely. Why are you such a lazy parent?! You’re making a rod for your own back with your child if you cannot be asked to get a reign on her. She’s 8, why can’t you make something together with her? Or promise to make something together with her tomorrow? She sounds like she’s left to her own devices - bless her.

Well here's the thing. The worst thing you can do for children to develop behavioural and emotional regulation of their own is be contrary, changeable, unpredictable, inconsistent

Sometimes those behaviours from the parent are associated and are combined with frightening, scary behaviour. But at others, perhaps like here, they're just sort of benign, avoidant, set back. So I say no, but it doesnt really mean no. I allow this but I dont really get involved so am I supportive of you making the soup or just not interested or actively saying no to you?

The child doesnt know whether they're coming or going. So then we start to see behavioural issues, poor regulation, actiing out, crying out for consistency by being oppositional. Then the child is seen as having some degree of behavioural need or this or that condition.

You have given mixed messages - you told her no and explained why, but didn't stop her when she went on ahead with it, so I can totally see why your DH thinks she can do whatever she wants.
While you are now saying maybe it wasn't harmful and she could do it that doesn't fit in with the reason you had given of no ingredients. Surely if you didn't have all what was needed then she was just messing about in the kitchen making a mess and wasting other ingredients.
I agree that you need to supervise her better at 8 years old. Why didn't you go out to the kitchen with her once you decided maybe it was ok (ignoring the fact she didn't care she had been told no) to help her see whether you did have the ingredients.
I am also surprised at allowing an 8 year old to be making soup unattended anyway.

I am all for teaching children how to cook but at 8 they don't make soup unsupervised.

All three of you are being unreasonable. Recipe for disaster.

YABU and you sound like exactly the kind of parent who produces a child nobody wants to be around.

Is she an only by any chance?

Enjoy it now because as the years go by the demands will increase and the reaction to saying no will increase too. In ten years you will have a fucking nightmare on your hands who fails at school ("all the teachers hate me!"), cant keep a PT job ("My boss hates me!"), has no friends ("They all hate me!"), and has epic tantrums you refuse to pander to her demands, all because you didnt teach her the meaning of the word "No"

My DD is high functioning AuDHD and knows that no means no, and for good reason. Frankly, it really does sound like you can't be arsed to parent her properly.

Shame on you because you are totally failing her, her life will be so much harder as a result of the lessons you are not teaching her.