She gets away with doing whatever she wants

[Timbucktutu]

Nice evening, cosy by the fire.
Dd decides she wants to make soup, I tell her we don’t have the ingredients and we can make tomorrow. Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.
Dh goes into the kitchen and sees she’s spilt a jar of cinnamon all over the floor, starts to get angry, Dd saying sorry. He tells her she can’t make all this and can’t get all these ingredients out, comes in to tell me. At this point I don’t see the point of getting angry and he storms out saying that she gets away with doing whatever she wants

Who is being unreasonable here?

8? So she isnt making soup she's making a mess clearly

She knocked it by accident and said sorry

Its not about the soup its about you saying no to something and her doing it anyway and you just shrugging your shoulders and being oh well

Your daughter will be an entitled, spoilt brat if those are your parenting models!

He's odds on favourite for a gold manchild medal. Bless her for trying.

8!!

She’s experimenting, has recently started making pancakes and Omelettes (sp) she tidies up, but I go over it afterwards as isn’t what I class as tidy-she’s 8 though and tries

At 8 she either needs support to make soup or told it’s too late and schedule it for another day.

Given it’s such a positive request I would likely try to facilitate her making it when the urge arrived.

This.

Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient about the mess that will be made and to just let it go.

No. You said no then you did nothing when she ignored the no. All 8 year olds need clear boundaries to feel safe and to learn to live in society, let alone a possibly ND one. I know what it's like to parent a high needs/ND child and you cannot do this. Be clear and do what you say you will.

By allowing her to cook herself something?!

You told her no, and she ignored you and did it anyway. It’s not about the cooking, it’s about lazy parenting and not backing your husband up.

Why is your reaction to her wanting to cook a negative one? Why not say we don't have much food in the fridge but see what you can find, and then she says cash I use up the carrots etc. I don't get. I'm happy when my daughters cook, clean up after themselves, what's the big deal. You and your partner both sound stressful to me, I wonder where she gets it from.

Yes this is actually my view. I initially said no just leave it for tomorrow, then thought what’s the harm. I’m questioning myself recently as to why I just automatically say no to so many things. Yes they’ll be a little mess, but is it the end of the world really?
Dh just storms in out of nowhere really angry

Presumably she’s had her dinner though. At 8 you’d need to supervise her chopping with sharp knife, boiling water etc.
It’s not stifling her to say yes soup making sounds lovely, pick a recipe tonight, we’ll go shopping tomorrow and you can make it for lunch Saturday.

Me and my siblings used to make chocolate cakes on a Friday night and then eat them, still warm, whilst watching an old film.

@Timbucktutu your dd will have nice memories of having fun. Your dh needs to chill.

You said no and she did it anyway. That's the issue. Mean. What you say.

You sound wishy washy.
Either say ok make soup but you clean up. I’ll sit and supervise.
Or no we haven’t got ingredients make it tomorrow.
Sounds like you said no but ignored her cracking on and making a mess.

OP are you scared of her?

I can see your DPs point of view, she's got no respect for you saying no and she's leaving a mess. Those are not good things.

I'm all for doing some cooking with kids that age but not like this.

If you make a decision and then change your mind then that's the point when you say to DD "Hey, you know what, I've changed my mind. Yes you can make some soup. Do you need some help?" But you do that BEFORE she starts doing whatever it is you said No to.

By making a decision then doing nothing when she starts doing what you've just told her not to do all you're teaching her is that she can ignore you.

So why did you tell her no if you didn’t mind her doing it? You said one thing and meant another.

No, by telling her she can’t do something and then just allowing her to do it anyway. She knows she can get away with doing what she wants because you will say no, then she can just ignore you.

If you say No, then you need to mean it.

No, by allowing her to disobey you when you have clearly said no!

It isn't rocket science 🙄

So you're a lazy parent who can't be bothered to follow through when you said no to an 8 year old. She ignored you and showed how little she respects you by going ahead anyway.
You can't be bothered to parent but then ask if your dh is unreasonable, wow! Are you going to make her clean up the mess? It will be your fault, not your Dh's if she ends up a spoilt, entitled child. You are being unreasonable not to see the problem here is your parenting

You left your 8 year old unsupervised whilst she made soup? After you had told her not to.